It's like elementary school and kickball all over again
So, consider this a drive-by post. Where else can I bitch about this? Lots going on, blah blah, had a chance to try again, but I'm too old, we no longer qualify for free IVF, embryo donation is
illegal here, whatevs.
I could handle that. Recently, someone posted an article on Facebook about Orthodox infertile couples in Israel that I had problems with (the article, not the couples. Although, it turns out, I had issues with the couples, as well). It was whiny, the couples interviewed seemed uninterested in the halachic (Jewish law) issues around infertility and were determined to do it their, halacha be damned. I commented that it needn't be that way, and at no time did Hubby and I consider throwing halacha out the window, and we were always open, and we've found people to be supportive, etc., etc., ad naseum, etc.
The poster responded with, "I thought they were very brave for speaking out about this."
GAAAAAAAHHHH! I have been effin' speaking out about this - openly and publicly - for YEARS. Almost since the beginning. We have been
begging people to open up about infertility. For some reason, getting dissed by a friend over this article really hit me hard. Not that my friend dissed me, but that I was dissed ON THIS SUBJECT.
Anyhoo.
I just read this:
"I remembered a midrash I had heard once about souls that are waiting up in heaven to be born. They look down into the world and choose the two people they want to be their parents. They know that those parents will be able to provide them with exactly what they need here on earth. This means that, though imperfect people, we are perfectly matched with our children to help them grow into whom they’re meant to be."
I remember hearing this midrash quite a few times. Never thought about it before. Until now. Because I'm already feeling strangely sensitive. And I get it.
None of the souls picked me n' Hubby for their team. None of the souls want me for a parent. If I had the koach (strength) to keep trying, eventually, there'd be one that would
have to pick me, because we'd be the only options left. But I'm stick-a-fork-in-me-and-turn-me-over done. I'm tired of being the last kid standing on the field, freezing her ass off, waiting for all the better options to be chosen.
I went back inside, where it's warm and cozy and I don't care if I get picked or not. So there.
Labels: crankiness, infertility
Um, hello? Anyone there?
warning: babies mentHi.
I will make no promises about being back. I still have all those blogs swirling around in my head that I can't seem to get out to my fingers. But in the space of a few days, I've had various kinds of contacts with old friend IF bloggers, which has made me realize how much I miss our exchanges. Life goes on, thank God so many of my IF blog friends have gone on to have beautiful children, but I've started digging around the blogs again to try to catch up on everyone. I miss you!
Meanwhile, I can comment on one thing, since moving to Israel. Israel is a very family-friendly country. Nearly everyone has kids, and nearly everything is geared towards children. It has nothing to do with all the religious Jews in Israel. Non religious families typically have 3, 4 or 5 children.
We live in a surburban town that is very family oriented. I know, why would we voluntarily do that to ourselves? We were thinking in terms of convenience at the time, not in terms of the kid-centred community.
Based on past experience of my friends having babies, I wasn't too worried that I'd have a difficult time. And gratefully, I was right. I'm surrounded by pregnant women, babies, toddlers, little kids, strollers, playgrounds, toys, laughter... Ironically, I live one building away from a daycare centre. At daycare centres here, kids spend a lot of time of outside, so it's hard to miss the yelling and laughing and general kid-like sounds.
But yet, I am, thank God, fine. I love playing with my friends' children, love watching them learn to walk and talk and interact. There are still difficult moments, and maybe I can get motivated to post about that another time. Meanwhile, I'm always pleasantly surprised to find that I'm okay. Maybe oversaturation was the key all along.
Labels: blogging, infertility, Israel
Another one bites the dust
JLo is off my celebrity list. I was never a big fan, but I can see the appeal. But when
I thought she had gone/went public with using IVF to get pregnant with her twins, I figured I might be able to swing buying a CD of hers. You know, to help her pay for her IVF.
Anyhoo, it
now seems that she is denying using IVF. In fact, her exact quote is,
“We knew nothing was wrong with either one of us—I had been checked, and he had kids already,” she says. “I knew, Something’s not ready here, in my head or in my life, and when it is, I know it’s going to happen.”
Wow. JLo told
herself to "just relax."
So apparently, according to Jennifer Lopez, if you pursue IVF that means there's something "wrong" with you. Being 38 and never having had children doesn't mean there's something "wrong." Having a body that has gone too long without doing what nature intended and now doesn't seem to know how doesn't mean there's something "wrong."
I don't know which story is true, and I don't really care whether or not Lopez used IVF to get pregnant. But if she did use IVF, why hide it? Why is there still a stigma attached to using IVF? Having worked in The Industry
(TM), I know for an absolute fact there are celebrities who have used IVF. But they keep it under the rug. Very very far under the rug. I think they're so wrong. It hasn't hurt Celine Dion to be public about using ART. If other celebrities came out about using IVF, maybe the rest of the world would be interested, and the result would be lots of Cosmo magazine stories about, "10 ways to talk to your best friend about her infertility."
I suppose the downside to that is if you tell your family that you're using a fertility clinic, you run the risk of your sister-in-law screeching, "Oh my god! I just read in People magazine that Paris Hilton is going to be an egg donor for her mother's IVF!"
I know it's a personal, private thing and wouldn't expect anyone to go on TV saying, "Hey, guess what? We're using ART to try to get pregnant!" But after the fact, if you are successful, and there are rumours swirling, why not talk about it? Why not talk about the pain, the suffering, the emotional rollercoaster? It's weird that if you're a celebrity, it's okay to talk about being raped, sexually abused, a coke addict, a heroin addict, an alcoholic.
But using IVF to get pregnant implies there`s something "wrong" with you, and we certainly can't have that.
Labels: crankiness, infertility
Un-decision 2008
With regards to my last post, your responses were beautiful and thoughtful. So I wanted to address some thoughts. Firstly, there were a couple of suggestions that we consider MESA again for Hubby. It was very painful the first time around, and as a result of that procedure, and the attempted reversal, Hubby now has a fair amount of scar tissue.
Hubby is not very interested in having more knives directed at his netherworld.
We've discussed the issues ad naseum. One of the issues was the recommendation of our RE in Canada that we use donor eggs. I'm still mad that we couldn't get an appointment until well after we were too disenchanted to want to discuss the reason behind that recommendation. We had only had two cycles, both of which were very aggressive, yet left us with only 2 or 3 eggs. We would have liked to talk about a low-dose cycle, which some doctors think produces stronger, more viable eggs.
I know I'm rambling here; I'm trying to get all the thoughts blowing around in my head into some semblence of order. I made a "joke" about deciding by not deciding, but in actuality, we've discussed everything so much that I think maybe we have decided, but neither of us really wants to put voice to that decision, because that will make it real. As long as we don't actually
say it out loud, there's still always a remote possibility.
It just seems like the cards are stacked against us.
- We need Hubby's "donation," either from Vancouver or a new MESA
- I'm "old"
- We might need donor eggs, which
a) is near impossible in Israel for religious Jews. Very problematic.
b) is not something we're willing to consider at the moment,
c) is also not something we can afford. Not even close.
Usually when the odds are against me like that, it gets my hackles up and I fight even harder. This time, I'm tired. It's hard work, this making aliyah. Knowing how I am when cycling, the idea of starting a cycle now (or soon) makes me want to crawl into a closet (if we had closets in Israel) and hide.
It ain't over. Give me a month or two. Things may get re-undecided.
Labels: infertility
Yes, no, maybe, I don't know
(Ah, so here's the problem with writing blogposts offline - I write them, save them, but then forget to post them. :sigh: I wrote this 4 days ago.)
Random thoughts:
Here we are in Israel where fertility treatments are free.
I am - barely - within the age range to get free treatments.
Hubby's spermcicles are back in Canada.
Hubby's spermcicles were retrieved via surgery. "On demand" contributions are not an option for us.
It would cost a fair amount of money to send our spermcicles from Canada to Israel.
We don't have jobs yet in Israel, and with
ulpan (Hebrew classes), it's likely we won't have any serious work for a few months yet.
Money is tight.
---------------
Don't you just love the irony? Before, in Canada, when we were both going through rough spots with work and had no money, we had to pay for IVF. Now IVF is free, we again have no money and we have to pay to get the spermcicles from Canada to Israel. Crap in a basket.
For better or for worse, I've never been one of those people who would do
anything to have a baby. I will do a lot, spend all our savings, undergo gobs of procedures, stand by my man while he undergoes gobs of procedures, including multiple surgeries. But I'm not sure if I'm willing to put myself through all that again, especially while I'm trying to adapt to living in a different country, with a new language and customs and beaureaucracies.
I keep thinking about how every stage of every step of every single thing we've done to try to get pregnant was a battle. First we have an expensive reversal that failed. Then we have MESA that cost a fortune. Then we both wind up unemployed, using what's left of our savings to have one IVF. That failed. After we waited for months while I lost enough weight to satisfy the RE. And then we sit there for ages with all these frozen bits while we try to scrape up enough money to do another cycle. That failed. Of course, I'm glossing over all the details of each cycle - the cancel/don't cancel/you should cancel/wait one more day, one egg/two eggs/two blasts/one blast drama. And all I can conclude is that I'm a big whiny weiner because so many other people have gone through so much more in their efforts to have a baby. And they didn't give up as easily as I feel I'm giving up (although to be fair, we haven't "officially" given up yet).
Are all these challenges G-d's way of saying, "sorry hon' it ain't gonna happen" and I'm just not getting it? Or is it, "can you handle the challenges of raising a child? Let's see how you handle these tests first." And oops. I guess I'm failing.
Seriously, I just don't know. I honestly don't know if I can face another cycle. The physical toll of doing a cycle is always very hard on me. It takes me a long time to bounce back from a cycle. And emotionally? Well, the whole
egg thing practically kills me each time, and then of course, there's the BFN. I just don't know if I can take another "no."
And then an Infertile Myrtle
friend of mine successfully has a baby (Mazal tov!), changes her Facebook status to "is in love" and it makes me wonder if I
can face all the no's on the chance that maybe I can have a yes and feel like that, too.
Shabbat shalom.
Labels: infertility
More ammo for the right wing
Of course she did. :sigh:
"...Khamis, who already has three daughters, took fertility drugs in an effort to have a son."
The full article is
here.
I know the story isn't so new, but I'm a little slow on the draw these days. The first frustrating thing is the use of fertility drugs and having septuplets. That one's just fuel for the fire for the folks who are all against reproductive assistance.
Then, she took fertility drugs so she could have a boy. Well, now she's got boys. Four of 'em. All at once.
Thennnn, there's discovering she was carrying multiples and not wanting to have an "abortion." It's called selective reduction, people. Sure you could make an argument that it's a form of abortion. But medically, it's not. There is nothing easy about selective reduction, and I certainly don't mean to make it sound like it's just like cleaning out your closet. Thank G-d, her choice (or lack thereof) resulted in stable babies. G-d willing, they should all grow to be healthy and strong. Yes, there are odds for a reason - someone has to be that one in 800,000*.
This whole story got my dander up (could ya tell?), because situations like these do nothing to help the cause of ART. Multiple births contribute to the difficulties in getting ART funded by health care ("why should MY tax dollars pay for all those babies?"). Multiple births in countries that are seen as third world, but really aren't, just perpetuates an attitude of "backwards" people. Not to mention making people with religious convictions look like fanatics because they wouldn't reduce a dangerous pregnancy. So anyone with religious convictions is painted with the same brush. And stories like this cause some women who could benefit from fertility drugs to shy away from using them out of fear of multiples.
Eh, you get my point. I'm done. I'm going to go off and stew in my coffee for a while.
*Note: not an actually statistic. I made something up that sounds very rare to make a point, not to support a research paper.
Labels: crankiness, infertility
Sperm donation leads to evil, cruelty and sperm donation
Infertility Network reported on an article recently on
Ynet regarding a statement by Rabbi Nachum Rabinowitz, a posek in the Religious Zionism movement. R' Rabinowitz stated that, "A woman who decides to have a baby out of wedlock by means of a sperm donation is unbelievably cruel."
I disagree, but I see where he's coming from. Judaism espouses a "traditional" family, ie, a mother, a father and children. It's all over the Torah: "a man shall cleave to his wife," G-d said to Adam and Eve, "be fruitful and multiply." Etc., etc. I would assume (oye, never
ever assume) that the Rabbi is implying that this is cruel to the child to deprive him or her of a father and cruel to the potential fathers out there.
R' Rabinowitz added "Whoever plans on having a baby like this by choice, just in order to fulfill her needs as a mother, has exceed all evil and cruelty."
I can argue that one all day. Why does anyone have a child? To fulfill some need, of course. Wether that need is to satisfy a mitzvah, a personal desire, the desire of your husband, all of the above, another option altogether. Why do I want children? Not for some altruistic reason, that's for sure (okay, maybe a
little bit altruistic reasons). At what point does fulfilling a need become selfish or evil and cruel? If you satisfy your need for crack, that's all sorts of selfish, but evil and cruel?
Rabbi Yaakov Ariel, president of Tzohar claims that sperm donation encourages birth without marriage, and "grants legitimacy to late spinsterhood." As if most women are single in their later years by choice! Yes, I know many are. But in my (albeit limited) experience, women who choose to remain single also do not want children. My women friends who have had children as single mothers, chose to do so because they were afraid they'd never meet the right man, and never be able to have children if they waited any longer. That ol' biological clock becomes a very real thing.
But the quote that really got me, also from R' Ariel, "There is no such thing as a single-parent family... A family consists of a father, mother, and children."
Tell that to every single mother whose husband left her. Every single mother struggling to raise her children after her husband was killed in an accident, in a war, in a senseless act of violence. Tell that to the single mother fighting to keep it together after her husband has died after a long illness. No single-parent families, my ass. And yes, it works the other way, too: There are countless single fathers who raise beautiful children day after day. However, my impression is it's easier for a single father to find another woman. I know far more single mothers trying to find a date, never mind a husband, than I do single fathers.
If Rabbis could give birth, I think they'd come up with a whole different perspective. Yes, statistically, children do better in two-parent homes that consist of a woman and a man. But that doesn't mean that a child from a single mother will not perform well. It doesn't mean children from a same-sex partnership will suffer. Circumstances are everything. And if a religious woman is not married by her late thirties, and is afraid she won't be able to have children, and understands how being single and having children will affect her life, and understands
why she wants this child, then she is not cruel, not evil, not promoting spinsterhood. She is creating a beautiful human being who will be loved and wanted and cherished.
And isn't
that fulfilling a hell of a need.
Labels: infertility, Jewish
Revisiting the past
I actually wrote a blog entry before we left, but never had a chance to post it.
So let's go back in time. Here's what I wrote:
So it's not bad enough I'm worrying about packing, the movers coming (next week!!!), getting rid of the stuff we don't want to bring, how to get from the west coast to the east coast with our dog, finding an apartment, the cost of shipping, running out of money, getting new jobs, saying goodbye to everyone.
No.
I also have to think about whether or not to do another cycle. I know I don't need to think about it right at this moment, but actually, I kinda do. If we want to do another cycle, being Male Factor and all, we have to arrange to ship Hubby's, erm, little guys to Israel. A process that we know is expensive.
So.
Do we want to spend over a thousand dollars of money we can ill afford to waste on something we're not sure we're going to do? Maybe Hubby could have another MESA, you say. Yeah, YOU tell him that. After a vas, vas reversal, and MESA, he swore no one was going near his nether parts with a sharp pointy thing again. He also said, "I shoulda just had a zipper installed" but that's neither here nor there.
We decided by not deciding. The spermcicles are still in Vancouver. Hubby thinks we can have them sent over "anytime." Um, yeah. Sure.
Labels: infertility, Israel
I blow my nose atchyew
Blogger comments, I blow a big raspberry at you.
:Þ
Back in the old days, if you had a Blogger profile and chose to show your email, your email address would show in the comments when the comments were emailed to the blog owner. If you didn't have a Blogger profile, I think you had to enter your email address and then it would show to the blog owner.
But now, the only address that shows is "noreply@blogger.com." Which means, if someone comments and I want to reply to them personally, I have to go track down their blog and find their email address.
That is, assuming they have a blog. And assuming they have an email address listed somewhere.
Heh. I just re-read this, and now I sound like a stalker.
I don't go crazy trying to find someone's address, it's just that sometimes someone says something really nice, or meaningful, or it's something that I can really relate to and I want to "bond." It frustrates me that I can't. If it's because the commenter wants to stay private, fine. But if it's Blogger's fault?
:Þ
Way to ruin a sense of community, Blogger.
Labels: blogging, crankiness, infertility
This little light of mine
Y'know, I have to say - I am extremely blessed in one aspect of this whole infertility crapfest. Many infertiles have posted about friends getting pg, and how difficult it is to be around them. How they want to be happy for their friends, and they try - hard - but just can't help being upset and depressed. Even jealous. Or they
are happy for their friends, yet still have to contend with these negative feelings.
All of this makes sense, and is completely understandable. After all we go through, all the disappointments, the crushing negatives, the devastating losses it's near impossible to not be affected by the news that someone near you got pregnant.
For some blessed reason, I don't experience this. I'm not sure why, and I keep expecting these negative feelings to rear their ugly heads when I hear about yet another pregnancy, but I don't. I am truly thrilled when I hear about someone's pg, whether they`ve had an "easy" and "normal" time of it, whether they've struggled with IF for years, or whether they've anticipated having a difficult time because of a medical history and thank G-d didn't.
With all the misery I associate with infertility, and all the garbage that accompanies it - the financial worries, the fights, friends not knowing how to talk to you, etc., etc., ad nauseum - this is one little bright light that I hold onto very tightly. I am so very grateful that I can be happy for everyone who succeeds in grabbing that brass ring, regardless of how the carousel ride went. May G-d continue to grant me this little blessing that holds so much power for me.
Labels: infertility, self-improvement
To be or not to sleep
Will they or won't they. Ah, there's the rubbing question. To shake up Shakespeare a bit.
When last we met projgen and Hubby, they had decided to give up on the whole pursuing fertility thing. No more cycles. No more talk of IVF. No more clinic appointments, no more pouring every penny of savings into useless drugs, retrievals and transfers. No more false hope.
But then. Ah, but then!
While walking down the street one day (not in the merry month of May), projgen innocently turns to Hubby and brings up Mum's comment about adopting in Israel. "I can't believe she said that," says pg.
And then Hubby says, "I think we should look into it."
[end scene]
Um. What?
We've talked about adoption, and we both decided it wasn't for us. People who adopt are very special people. Thank G-d there are people out there who want to adopt. I just don't think I'm one of them. I don't know if I could ever get over the lack of genetic connection. Which is funny, since nobody really looks alike in my family. But, I love looking at pictures of Hubby's great-great grandfather and seeing Hubby's face. Hubby's family all have distinct similarities; they're not identical, but you sure know they related. I wanted that for our children, too. And selfishly, I don't want to deal with the issue of birth parents, and what if someday my adopted child wants to find his birth parents? I could never keep that information from my child, but I know I'm not strong enough to deal with that issue. Those are just some of the difficulties I have regarding us adopting.
Hubby has always said that he wants to have a family with
me. He wants a child that will have my smile, his eyes, my hair, etc., etc., which is partly why he wasn't so keen on adopting.
So where did this, "I think we should look into it" come from?
Then, he dropped the big bomb: after 6 months of living in Israel, we're eligible for free IVF. He thinks we should try again.
Hello? Excuse me. Can anyone tell me when this rollercoaster ride ends?
Labels: crankiness, infertility
I could write a book
I've had a very "what not to say if you're thinking of saying something to infertiles" few weeks. It's like my whole family read the book and decided "eh, what do they know." So there was the lovely, sweet relative who said "just relax." Then, we were at my mother's.
A little background: my mother has never, not once, expressed any interest in our infertility issues. She has never, not once, said anything remotely resembling, "this must be so hard for you" or "I hope this cycle works for you" or even, "is there anything I can do for you?" She has, two months after our last cycle failed, said something to the effect of, weren't you guys doing a cycle? What happened?
A tower of support, as you can see. My parents did give us a little money during our first cycle, however, that was already planned as a birthday present anyway. Don't get me wrong, I was grateful for every single penny. It's just that it wasn't initially intended as help for our cycle.
So, with this information in hand, Hubby and I were visiting my parents, standing in their kitchen talking much about nothing, when Mum pipes up, "I think you guys should look into adopting when you get to Israel."
WTF????
A) Last I looked, there is a 6-year wait for infants.
B) When we get to Israel, we will be living off our savings and a wee bit of assistance from the government until we get out of ulpan and get jobs.
C) Adoption is freakin' expensive (although to be fair, I haven't checked costs in Israel, but I would assume they would be comparable)
D) We're freakin' old. Okay, not that old, but we're definitely not in the "great candidates" age range. (I just checked - in Israel, you have to be under 40 to adopt. That puts us right out of the running.)
E) What makes her think we even want to adopt?
I politely pointed out these things while chanting "
kibbud av v'em. kibbud av v'em*." in my head to keep me from totally losing it. She just kept repeating herself, so finally I said, trying to unclench my teeth, "sure. We'll look into it."
That was capped by an evening with my cousin and her kids. I was saying how cute her baby boy is - a real charmer - and she said, "ya want him? You can have him." Now, I've never discussed our infertility with her, and she's never asked why we don't have kids. So she wasn't doing the
infertility "have one of mine." But still, why do parents do that? What if I said, "Omigosh! Really? I'd love to take him!" Even if I wasn't dealing with infertility, and had been able to have a child, y'know, that
other** way, I would never say that. I would be inclined to say, "yeah, he's a handful, but I love him." or some such. I might even threaten under my breath to feed fictional child to the lions, but I would never offer to give my kid away.
The only chapter missing these past few weeks has been the, "maybe G-d doesn't mean for you to have children." But that's okay, I've been supplying that one myself.
* Honour your father and mother. The Fifth Commandment.
** Apparently, having sex just for fun (
just for fun!) has been known to get women pg.
Labels: infertility
Friends, infertiles and countrymen
What did infertile woman do before the internet? I can't imagine going through all this for the past few years without you guys. First, I had the blogs that I read, and being sympatico with the other commenters was comforting.
Then I started blogging myself, and being on the receiving end of all that support and caring was a revelation. I receive such strength from your comments. Even if we disagree on things, knowing that you're interested enough to take the time to comment on something I said is powerful.
What did our mothers and their mothers and their mothers do? We still don't really talk about infertility with our real-life friends, we don't search out other infertiles. Where I am, the support groups have not worked. Hardly anyone shows, the leaders keep leaving and the few meetings that have been held, no one really spoke with each other afterwards. A few did, but it was apparent they knew each other already.
We know our matriachs prayed fervently to G-d; we know Rachel took out her frustrations on Jacob when she snapped at him, "Give me children, or else I die." (Gen 30:1) He, of course, snapped right back, with good reason, but if she was looking for support, she wasn't going to find it with Jacob. He already had a bunch of kids, what did he know about what she was suffering? Sarah was bitter enough to actually laugh at G-d when HE told her she'd have a child. Imagine being that cynical and bitter about having a child that you'd laugh at even G-d.
But they lived in a time when G-d was more tangible. In between then and now, what did women do? Especially when you consider that it's only in fairly recent history that "childless by choice" has become socially acceptable. They must have suffered so.
All this is my way of saying thanks for being there. And thank you for your comments about our "decision." You guys rock. And yes, I do hope to keep blogging. Now that it's in black and white, I don't have to avoid the it. And now that Hubby seems to have changed his mind, I'll need you guys to vent to.
Happy New Year. May 2008 bring all our dreams to fruition.
Labels: infertility
The best words are left unsaid
Recently, at a family gathering, I was having a discussion with one of the nicest, sweetest, gentlest women around. Somehow the subject of children came up, I don't remember why, and she said, "I haven't asked because don't like to pry. I know some couples like to wait a few years before trying to have children."
To which I replied, "We've been trying. We can't have children."
She gave me one of her sweet smiles, and said, "you know what's wrong?"
And I thought, "Oh, please G-d, no. Don't say it. Please don't say it. For the love of G-D, woman, please DO NOT SAY what I know you're going to say no matter how hard I pray that you don't say it."
"You're trying too hard. You need to-"
"NOOOOOOOOOOO"
"-relax. If you just relax, you'll get pg right away. I know someo-"
Through the rush of sound in my ears, I interrupted her. I wanted to be 5 years old again, because then it would be acceptable for me to stamp my feet and shout, "stop it, stop it, stop it!!!!!"
Since I'm not 5, I restrained myself as best I could, and sort of spat out through my pasted smile, "You know I love you dearly, but I have to tell you that is the worst possible thing you could say to anyone who is trying to get pg."
As I spoke, I relaxed a bit. I explained that our problem is medical, and no amount of relaxing is going to get us pg.
She was truly surprised that it was such a bad thing to say. Her eyes welled up with tears, and I felt like the biggest shit for making this sweet, wonderful person feel bad. She gave me the biggest hug, and asked if she could keep me in her prayers, to which I replied, "of course. I'm grateful for any prayers."
I'm still not sure if she teared up because I hurt her feelings, or because she was hurting for me. I do know that the tidal wave of terror that welled up in my chest when I knew, I just knew, what she was about to say, was very very real. Hearing "just relax" from acquiantances or even strangers is one thing. Hearing it from someone you love, someone you know is sincere, someone you'd never want to bark at and snap, "eff off, what do you know?" is... I don't even know how to describe it. That welling up of fear, the roaring in my ears and the overwhelming feeling of wanting to run far and fast was a new feeling for me.
And this is after Hubby and I decided we're done.
Which, apparently, now we're not. But that's another post.
Labels: infertility
MIA
Gosh, has it really been two months? My how time flies when life-changing decisions pass you by.
Thank you for the comments & emails - it's always nice to know someone's thinking about you. I kept meaning to post, but then I (allow myself to) get sidetracked; I think primarily because I'm in denial. We've basically decided to not pursue IVF any more. We didn't really discuss it so much; we just sort of quietly, independently agreed on the same decision. If that makes sense.
It's really hard to write that and not go back and delete it. Even though we've decided to stop, and I am fully on board with that (in fact, I initiated the idea), I keep having moments of "maybe we should try
one more time." I know we've made the right choice, but I can't help questioning that choice. And I'm sure I'm going to question it even when I'm 90, G-d willing I should live so long.
That's probably why I haven't blogged in awhile. I can't bring myself to write anything without "owning up" to no longer being in the game, but I couldn't bring myself to admit, in black & white, that I sidelined myself. I can say it, but I couldn't see it.
So I have to say thank you for the nudge. Asking how I'm doing forced me to put all this down. I've got a bajillion other thoughts on this swirling around in my noggin, which deserve their own posts.
I've been away, which is why I didn't post this sooner. I was at a family Bat Mitzvah. And for the first time, I didn't cry.
Labels: infertility
Shut up, cranky witch
Sorry, I didn't mean to sound so whiny and cranky. And thank you for not pointing out my whininess and crankiness.
I don't want to be, or even sound like, a bitter, old, childless crank. I'm just really feeling the lack of invites this year, when even our reliable stand-bys don't invite us. Are we sounding bitter and cranky? Is that why we're being left out? Or is it, as I suspect, we're not on anyone's radar, because they don't see us picking up the kids from school, they don't see at school events, they don't see us at the kid's fair at the Jewish Community Centre, little Rivka didn't ask to come over to Mr. & Mrs. Projgen's house to play, so there's no, "Oh! Look, the Projgens! I wanted to invite them for dinner on Simchat Torah!"
::sigh::
Maybe it will be better once we actually decide where we stand. We still think we want to try another cycle, the low-dose I was talking about. But all the doctors we met previously, who know about this stuff, and to whom we want to talk before making any decisions, are all Jewish and bogged down with the holidays, so we have to wait.
Hey, infertility is like being in the Army, eh - hurry up and wait.
Chag Sameach, and Happy Thanksgiving if you're north of the 49th or Columbus Day if you're south.
Labels: crankiness, infertility
Go, JLo, Go!
I am SO not a fan, but that might change, since I think she is the first celebrity to come "out" as using
infertility treatments to get pg.
Of course, whether that's willingly or un, who knows?
B'sha'a tova to JLo & Marc. I hope she speaks out about this, and chooses to be open about her experiences.
And maybe she can convince her celeb peeps to make a donation to a fertility fund.
And convince Celine Dion to become the spokesperson for
IAAC in Canada.
Whatever. I'm always happy when ART works for someone.
Labels: infertility
Infertility haiku
So I was tagged by
Kirby to do this Haiku meme.
Kirby's are awesome; she obviously has a flair for the haiku. Mine are kind of lame-ish, but they get the point across.
doctor said cancel
not enough follies or eggs
we retrieved anyway
four eggs, not enough
"we prefer five, six or more."
fertilization
implantation? no.
no gestation, it's all over
no baby for you
first wife said no kids
vasectomy for him
now I get the pain
why don't you adopt?
you know, to get pregnant you
just need to relax
your eggs are no good
use somebody else's eggs
then you'll feel better
I know you'll be a
mommy someday, I can just
tell about these things.
if we use donor
eggs, will our baby also
have his bright blue eyes
(Update: somehow this one got left out of the original)
it's a friend's birthday
but we have no kids to bring
no party for us
I tag
Bea,
Megan and
Meg, who I'm sure doesn't have time for this at all!
Labels: infertility, mememe
Thank G-d it's b!tch day
Why do some people insist on using enough perfume/cologne to choke an elephant? People! Just because YOU don't smell it on you, doesn't mean WE can't!
Why do 60-year-old lesbians think it's okay to wear a drill-seargent buzz cut, tank tops and combat pants? And then wear bright red lipstick? I don't get it. It's quirky on 20-somethings, but ya gotta stop at some point.
Thanks for the encouragement about low-dose cycles, you guys! I hadn't realized that it was not such a bizarre concept. Now we just have to start our phone calls to see who is willing to do it here. Maybe we'll just wind up going to NYC; what we save on meds will pay for our airfare. And I just want to say, I agree with
Bea. I don't object to the information in the letter, I object to its presentation. You won't give me an appointment, but you'll break my heart with blunt, impersonal sentences. Information has to be shared, there are just better ways to do it.
There's this weird thing that happens to me when I'm not cycling. I can actually convince myself that I don't really want kids. I'm tired - I can sleep late. I tell myself I couldn't do that if I children. I'm sore - I don't have to worry about carrying a baby around. I want to go to the movies - I don't have to worry about a babysitter. I hear my neighbours dealing with temper tantrums and realize I'm glad I don't have to deal wtih all that. Until I see a baby, of course. It's all a mind game.
But during my IVF cycles, I wanted it. I wanted it bad. I didn't fall into a puddle of tears when we got our negatives, in fact, if I remember correctly, I didn't even cry. But I was oh-so-sad. Devastated that I'd failed again at having a chance to raise a child, to watch my son or daughter be a bar or bat mitzvah. To watch my husband discuss Torah with him or her. To stand under the chuppah with him or her. To be heartbroken, yet thrilled, when he or she moves out, knowing that I've done my job. To watch him or her go through all of the above with their own children. (wow, is it way too hard to write "my child" when referring to all this). I cry at weird times. Or not so weird. Like when I'm sitting on the bus, in one of the sideways facing seats, and a very very pg woman decides to stand right in front of me (even though she'd been offered seats) with her enormous belly - seriously - right in my face. If the bus swayed, she would have bumped my nose with her inverted belly button. I bawled in my book all the way home. But then I was fine and back to my rationalizations.
I have to make sure that this "eh, I don't
really want this" lethargy doesn't overtake us and prevent us from pursuing another cycle, low-dose or otherwise. I'm not ready to face a donor egg situation; I might not ever be. And adoption? We can't afford that. And we're too old for most places we'd consider. Hubby and I have talked about this extensively, and if we were to adopt, we'd want an infant, for a number of reasons. Which really limits our options. So, for now, it's cycling or nothing. And I've already wasted one egg this month, and will be wasting another next month, when we're going away. I don't want to waste any more.
Labels: infertility
You can't improve, so just give up
And I quote:
"It's not likely that we can improve upon this in another cycle. It would probably be more logical to consider other options such as adoption and egg donation."So after being told I should wait for the letter from the RE to make a follow-up appointment, not wanting to wait, then finding out there are no appointments until August, we got the letter. Last cycle, there was at least a hand-written note on the letter. This was straight-on typed, and I'm not even sure the signature isn't a stamp.
The last
Barren Bitches Book Tour covered the book by Peggy Orenstein,
waiting for daisy (I read the books, but don't do the tours, because book club and book tour stuff makes me feel stupid.) There were so many moments where I nodded and held back a, "you go, girl." But when I got to this paragraph, just a day after getting the letter from my clinic, I jumped up and shouted, "Hallelujah!" Hubby and I had discussed this very thing two weeks before
."I felt like the high roller whose new friends disappeared when his stake was gone. The caring brochures, the chummy smiles, the warm affect of the clinic "team" seemed abruptly stripped away, revealing nothing more than a cold-blooded business. We had wanted so desperately to believe that we had ignored the sales pitch in the compassion, the coercion in the photographs of babies and sunflowers. But I finally got it - these guys may have been doctors, but they were also salesmen. I may have been a patient, but I was also a consumer. I was undergoing a procedure, but I was also making a deal - and they were making a buck."
- Peggy Orenstein,
waiting for daisyWe didn't perform up to our clinic's expectations, the odds are we will continually fail and that will make them look bad.
But, they "were pleased to obtain 3 mature eggs and one immature egg."
What's wrong with that? Why do we have spit out 15, 20, 25 eggs each cycle? So what if only 2 fertilize? I'd only want 2 embryos transferred, anyway. Hubby has had a few conversations with an RE we got friendly with at a conference a while back. He told us that the down side of being plied with maximum dosages of gonal-f, lupron, repronex, etc., etc., while increasing the number of follicles and eggs produced, is the potential for chromosomal damage to the embryo. In which case, nature (usually) intervenes and prevents the embryo from implanting and maturing.
Alrighty then. Why did my RE never tell me this? I've never seen this mentioned in my own research, I've only ever seen the warnings of cancer risks to the patient. All the conversations about cancelling this cycle because of my low response, no one ever said, "and y'know, there's a chance that even if we do eggs, the embryos will be so genetically damaged, they won't implant anyway."
What's wrong with doing a regular cycle, with minimum meds, getting one or two follies, one or two eggs? Ostensibly, I ovulate every month anyway. In theory, I'm already producing one egg each month that is going to waste. So what if I don't get extra embryos to freeze? So what if we don't have a choice of the "best" egg and the "best" embryo? People who get pg that other way - y'know, using "sex" - don't get a choice. What the fuck difference does it make? Seriously?
I remembered a
clinic whose focus is low-dose cycles being mentioned in an issue of
ATIME's magazine a while back and decided to look them up. They're our next phone call. And we're not buying into any caring brochures, chummy smiles or photos of babies and sunflowers.
For extra credit, some light reading: Daily Mail article
Labels: infertility, isitacycle
