28 July 2006

Truth or dare

WARNING: pg & baby mentioned

I have a confession to make. There's a baby out there that I couldn't care less about.

See, I have a single friend who is two years younger than I. She has been in numerous long-term relationships, but has never been married. Last year, her age got to her, and she decided to become a single mother. So she toddled off to her local clinic, bing-bang-boom, she got pregnant and very recently gave birth to a beautiful baby.

I am happy for her. Honest. She didn't have much of a struggle, she loves her baby and she's happy. But for some reason, I feel nothing for this baby. Other friends, when they get pregnant, I'm thrilled for them. When they have their babies, I can't get enough of them (weird for an infertile, I know. Maybe I'm secretly planning to take off with one, but I keep losing my nerve). But this one? Eh. I keep forgetting to look at pictures, ask for updates, etc.

Is it because she's single? No. I know lots of single moms, and besides, I still like her. Is it because she might have been able to have babies easily the "natural" way, and I think this is a cop-out, and she should have to wait and find out like the rest of us? Maybe. A little. But I totally understand her fear of not finding a husband "in time" and wanting to be a mom, so I don't begrudge her that at all. Is it because she's single and somehow managed, on one okay-but-not-outstanding salary, to afford IVF and donor sperm? Might be that one.

Whatever the reason, it freaks me out a little that there's a baby out there that I can be ambivalent about. What happens if I get too old to do IVF, but we can finally afford to do something, so we adopt - and then I'm ambivalent towards him or her? Or we use donor eggs and same thing?

It's just a litle nervewracking.

26 July 2006

Have I not taken enough abuse already?

Oh, for fuck's sake. So my post about "just adopt" is not 5 minutes up when I have to deal with YET ANOTHER PERSON throwing around the JA words. Am I a freakin' magnet this week for the adoption missionaries?* This is 4 flippin' days in a row, people!

So this person unfortunately claims the title of straw, and received a lecture on the grieving process, the expense involved, the wait, the lack of babies (an aside: a dear friend of mine insisted on looking into the adoption process in Israel. She stated emphatically that there are so many orphans because of all the years of terrorist bombings in Israel, and if only we would adopt an Israeli child, it would be such a mitzvah. I sighed and said, sure, look into it. There is a SIX YEAR wait in Israel for an infant. There are very few children available, because families almost always take in children orphaned in attacks. The perception that there are millions of babies just waiting to be adopted is prevalent all over the world).

Not long after that, I had to deal with a new tack: donor eggs. Why don't I "just" use donor eggs. I think I had a stroke at that one. What the hell do you say to that? You know ab.so.lute.ly no.thing about my situation. Why the FUCK would you think donor eggs are the answer for me? Do you even know anything about donor eggs? Do you know that you can't pay for donor eggs in Canada? It's illegal. You have to find some sucker kind, generous soul who is willing to go through meds and retrieval just because they like you. You might be lucky and have a sister or a best friend who loves you that much. Or I could go to the States and pay $18,000 for a donor, but if I had $18,000 I WOULD DO IVF FOR $6,000 HERE IN CANADA.


Why, Lrd, why are you taxing me so? Four solid days of this? Why? What are you trying to tell me?

Oh. Wait. Gd is probably trying to tell me I should just adopt.

Lut mentioned that Karen at The Naked Ovary wrote a good post on the adoption topic. I disagreed with a bit of it, which I noted in my comments to this post, waaaay down at the bottom.

*Please. Let me get one thing straight. Adoption is a beautiful thing. Whether you adopt right off the bat, or you try IF treatments for a while, and then adopt, whether you are infertile and adopting or fertile and adopting makes no difference. Taking in children that someone else gave birth to and making them your very own - your family, your offspring - and showering them with love is a blessing. My issue is solely with the people who spew "JA" like babies are stocked in stores and there's no expense, paperwork, interminable wait, government beaurocracies, birth mothers changing their minds, etc., etc. to go through.

25 July 2006

F*ck you and the adoption horse you rode in on

WARNING: This post contains foul language. And I use the word 'fuck' a lot.

It's bad enough I was at a barbecue recently where I was hanging out with the chicks having a beer, talking about b.s., having a grand old time and WHAM! IVF comes up. FUCK OFF. I kept my mouth shut. Then the stupid stories about how "a friend of mine adopted a baby, and then she got pregnant" started flowing a mile a minute. Everyone had one (I have one, too, but I keep my mouth shut).

Then today I mentioned to someone (it came up legitimately in conversation) our struggles and her response was "adopt. Whatever you do, adopt. It helps you get pregnant. And besides, even if it doesn't, adopting will allow you to move on with life and be happy."

Will allow you to move on with life.

And be happy.

Well, fuck me and slap me silly with a stinky fish. If I had known that I would never have fucking spent $20,000 on reversals and MESA's and especially wouldn't have wasted any money on a stupid freakin' IVF cycle. Not to mention fittering away trying to come up with more money for more cycles. What WERE we thinking? JUST FUCKING ADOPT.

Even Robbie's latest post mentions a letter to the editor written by a stinky-fish-holding genius who knows that just adopting is the answer to all life's mysteries, including that pesky E=MC2.

A pox on all the doctors who never told us that we could just adopt. Ordinary Joes keep telling us, but fuck us, we keep listening to the experts. Are we morons or what?

Well, there you go. Obviously we're too stupid to be parents. Otherwise we would have known we could just adopt.

21 July 2006

Heaven must be missing a chair

Omigosh. I just went to Costco and while wandering the aisles, I came across a small, black massage chair. Having a chronic condition that requires constant deep massage that I can no longer afford, I'm alway drawn to these things. I have found they're usually nice to sit in, but if you're looking for nirvana, keep going.

This chair is so different. I sat in it for about 20 minutes (no one else was waiting, not to worry. Although, even if they were I probably would have turned into an evil hag, screaming, "BACK! It's MINE!") and was in heaven. It rolls, it compresses, it manipulates, it rubs. I finally was dragged out of it by Hubby. As we were walking and talking, I heard a noise behind me and instinctively turned my head to check it out.

And for the first time in years, I turned my head over 90 degrees and felt NO PAIN.

And I'm still kind of okay today.

I want this chair. All 700 unreachable dollars of it.

18 July 2006

Don't put off to tomorrow

Most people have heard the story of the Golden Calf. That's the oldie but goodie about Moses going up the mountain for 40 days, receiving the 10 Commandments from Gd, but because Moses meant 40 days PLUS the day he left,but the people thought he meant 40 days INCLUDING the day he left, so on the last day, the people panicked ("AHH! Moses hasn't come back and it's been 40 days and a few hours. He's deserted us, we're going to DIE!"), and resorted to their old idol-worshipping ways and built the Golden Calf. (btw, I used to get knocked down on grades in school for having run-on sentences. Some things never change.)

The reasoning behind the peoples' panic always bothered me. "Well, Moses said 40 days, but wasn't including the day he left, because it wasn't a full 24-hour day. The people thought he meant 40 daytimes, not necessarily 40, 24-hour periods." So what? Were the Jewish people so weak, such simpering wimps that ONE STINKING DAY made such a difference? They couldn't wait ONE MORE DAY before giving up all faith in the Gd they had just sworn to believe in and follow?! What's one day, anyway?

Then I joined the world of infertiles. One day can mean the difference between a successful trigger and an unsuccessful one. One day can mean the difference between a ready and willing uterine lining, and a thinning, not so accomodating one. One day can mean the difference between just-right eggs and overdone ova. 24 hours can mean the difference between a BFN and a BFP.

Having desperately watched the clock for fear that I might trigger too early or too late, I have new insight. With this new insight, I have a whole new appreciation for the fear that the Jews felt. One day can mean the difference between life and death.

14 July 2006

Fasting the day away

Today is a fast day. It's also a slow day, sitting around waiting for sunset to come along, so we can eat again. It's also a day to contemplate, being the start of the three weeks.

It's no irony that war with Lebanon starts during this time. So, while I would be in a reflective mood anyway, it's even stronger now. I'll probably be on the quiet-ish side for the next little while.

Note: if anyone has any respectful questions about what's going in Israel right now, I will be happy to answer them or direct you to a good resource. I'll be happy to answer any other questions, too.

07 July 2006

busy busy busy

as a beaver am I! I'm not ignoring you, honest!

And I really want to address Lut's comment in this post, so I'm brewing up a post to explain Lashon Hara a little better, hopefully.

Hope everyone had a great Canada Day, Independence Day or regular ol' weekend!

Oh, and I had a funny (Freudian?) slip - I was writing to someone about an intravenous bag, better known as an IV bag. I wrote "IVF bag." Guess which acronym I use more often?