12 September 2008

Another one bites the dust

JLo is off my celebrity list. I was never a big fan, but I can see the appeal. But when I thought she had gone/went public with using IVF to get pregnant with her twins, I figured I might be able to swing buying a CD of hers. You know, to help her pay for her IVF.

Anyhoo, it now seems that she is denying using IVF. In fact, her exact quote is,
“We knew nothing was wrong with either one of us—I had been checked, and he had kids already,” she says. “I knew, Something’s not ready here, in my head or in my life, and when it is, I know it’s going to happen.”
Wow. JLo told herself to "just relax."

So apparently, according to Jennifer Lopez, if you pursue IVF that means there's something "wrong" with you. Being 38 and never having had children doesn't mean there's something "wrong." Having a body that has gone too long without doing what nature intended and now doesn't seem to know how doesn't mean there's something "wrong."

I don't know which story is true, and I don't really care whether or not Lopez used IVF to get pregnant. But if she did use IVF, why hide it? Why is there still a stigma attached to using IVF? Having worked in The Industry (TM), I know for an absolute fact there are celebrities who have used IVF. But they keep it under the rug. Very very far under the rug. I think they're so wrong. It hasn't hurt Celine Dion to be public about using ART. If other celebrities came out about using IVF, maybe the rest of the world would be interested, and the result would be lots of Cosmo magazine stories about, "10 ways to talk to your best friend about her infertility."

I suppose the downside to that is if you tell your family that you're using a fertility clinic, you run the risk of your sister-in-law screeching, "Oh my god! I just read in People magazine that Paris Hilton is going to be an egg donor for her mother's IVF!"

I know it's a personal, private thing and wouldn't expect anyone to go on TV saying, "Hey, guess what? We're using ART to try to get pregnant!" But after the fact, if you are successful, and there are rumours swirling, why not talk about it? Why not talk about the pain, the suffering, the emotional rollercoaster? It's weird that if you're a celebrity, it's okay to talk about being raped, sexually abused, a coke addict, a heroin addict, an alcoholic.

But using IVF to get pregnant implies there`s something "wrong" with you, and we certainly can't have that.

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09 September 2008

Un-decision 2008

With regards to my last post, your responses were beautiful and thoughtful. So I wanted to address some thoughts. Firstly, there were a couple of suggestions that we consider MESA again for Hubby. It was very painful the first time around, and as a result of that procedure, and the attempted reversal, Hubby now has a fair amount of scar tissue.

Hubby is not very interested in having more knives directed at his netherworld.

We've discussed the issues ad naseum. One of the issues was the recommendation of our RE in Canada that we use donor eggs. I'm still mad that we couldn't get an appointment until well after we were too disenchanted to want to discuss the reason behind that recommendation. We had only had two cycles, both of which were very aggressive, yet left us with only 2 or 3 eggs. We would have liked to talk about a low-dose cycle, which some doctors think produces stronger, more viable eggs.

I know I'm rambling here; I'm trying to get all the thoughts blowing around in my head into some semblence of order. I made a "joke" about deciding by not deciding, but in actuality, we've discussed everything so much that I think maybe we have decided, but neither of us really wants to put voice to that decision, because that will make it real. As long as we don't actually say it out loud, there's still always a remote possibility.

It just seems like the cards are stacked against us.
- We need Hubby's "donation," either from Vancouver or a new MESA
- I'm "old"
- We might need donor eggs, which
a) is near impossible in Israel for religious Jews. Very problematic.
b) is not something we're willing to consider at the moment,
c) is also not something we can afford. Not even close.

Usually when the odds are against me like that, it gets my hackles up and I fight even harder. This time, I'm tired. It's hard work, this making aliyah. Knowing how I am when cycling, the idea of starting a cycle now (or soon) makes me want to crawl into a closet (if we had closets in Israel) and hide.

It ain't over. Give me a month or two. Things may get re-undecided.


05 September 2008

Yes, no, maybe, I don't know

(Ah, so here's the problem with writing blogposts offline - I write them, save them, but then forget to post them. :sigh: I wrote this 4 days ago.)

Random thoughts:

Here we are in Israel where fertility treatments are free.

I am - barely - within the age range to get free treatments.

Hubby's spermcicles are back in Canada.

Hubby's spermcicles were retrieved via surgery. "On demand" contributions are not an option for us.

It would cost a fair amount of money to send our spermcicles from Canada to Israel.

We don't have jobs yet in Israel, and with ulpan (Hebrew classes), it's likely we won't have any serious work for a few months yet.

Money is tight.

Don't you just love the irony? Before, in Canada, when we were both going through rough spots with work and had no money, we had to pay for IVF. Now IVF is free, we again have no money and we have to pay to get the spermcicles from Canada to Israel. Crap in a basket.

For better or for worse, I've never been one of those people who would do anything to have a baby. I will do a lot, spend all our savings, undergo gobs of procedures, stand by my man while he undergoes gobs of procedures, including multiple surgeries. But I'm not sure if I'm willing to put myself through all that again, especially while I'm trying to adapt to living in a different country, with a new language and customs and beaureaucracies.

I keep thinking about how every stage of every step of every single thing we've done to try to get pregnant was a battle. First we have an expensive reversal that failed. Then we have MESA that cost a fortune. Then we both wind up unemployed, using what's left of our savings to have one IVF. That failed. After we waited for months while I lost enough weight to satisfy the RE. And then we sit there for ages with all these frozen bits while we try to scrape up enough money to do another cycle. That failed. Of course, I'm glossing over all the details of each cycle - the cancel/don't cancel/you should cancel/wait one more day, one egg/two eggs/two blasts/one blast drama. And all I can conclude is that I'm a big whiny weiner because so many other people have gone through so much more in their efforts to have a baby. And they didn't give up as easily as I feel I'm giving up (although to be fair, we haven't "officially" given up yet).

Are all these challenges G-d's way of saying, "sorry hon' it ain't gonna happen" and I'm just not getting it? Or is it, "can you handle the challenges of raising a child? Let's see how you handle these tests first." And oops. I guess I'm failing.

Seriously, I just don't know. I honestly don't know if I can face another cycle. The physical toll of doing a cycle is always very hard on me. It takes me a long time to bounce back from a cycle. And emotionally? Well, the whole egg thing practically kills me each time, and then of course, there's the BFN. I just don't know if I can take another "no."

And then an Infertile Myrtle friend of mine successfully has a baby (Mazal tov!), changes her Facebook status to "is in love" and it makes me wonder if I can face all the no's on the chance that maybe I can have a yes and feel like that, too.

Shabbat shalom.