Un-decision 2008

With regards to my last post, your responses were beautiful and thoughtful. So I wanted to address some thoughts. Firstly, there were a couple of suggestions that we consider MESA again for Hubby. It was very painful the first time around, and as a result of that procedure, and the attempted reversal, Hubby now has a fair amount of scar tissue.

Hubby is not very interested in having more knives directed at his netherworld.

We've discussed the issues ad naseum. One of the issues was the recommendation of our RE in Canada that we use donor eggs. I'm still mad that we couldn't get an appointment until well after we were too disenchanted to want to discuss the reason behind that recommendation. We had only had two cycles, both of which were very aggressive, yet left us with only 2 or 3 eggs. We would have liked to talk about a low-dose cycle, which some doctors think produces stronger, more viable eggs.

I know I'm rambling here; I'm trying to get all the thoughts blowing around in my head into some semblence of order. I made a "joke" about deciding by not deciding, but in actuality, we've discussed everything so much that I think maybe we have decided, but neither of us really wants to put voice to that decision, because that will make it real. As long as we don't actually say it out loud, there's still always a remote possibility.

It just seems like the cards are stacked against us.
- We need Hubby's "donation," either from Vancouver or a new MESA
- I'm "old"
- We might need donor eggs, which
a) is near impossible in Israel for religious Jews. Very problematic.
b) is not something we're willing to consider at the moment,
c) is also not something we can afford. Not even close.

Usually when the odds are against me like that, it gets my hackles up and I fight even harder. This time, I'm tired. It's hard work, this making aliyah. Knowing how I am when cycling, the idea of starting a cycle now (or soon) makes me want to crawl into a closet (if we had closets in Israel) and hide.

It ain't over. Give me a month or two. Things may get re-undecided.

Labels: infertility

posted by projgen @ 16:00