27 February 2007

eep explained

Thanks for all the love!

Thalia asked what changed to allow us to do a cycle. Good question, considering I've spent the better part of the last year bitching about our lack of funds. Without going into too much personal detail, here's the rundown:

1) We both found work, and with our 2-year experience of surviving on no salaries, we're managing to pay off our debt and build our savings back up, slowly but surely.

2) An angel appeared from the internet and offered us some options.

3) Sadly, a relative of Hubby's died, but surprisingly, left us some money, which will cover the balance of a cycle.

I refused to do a cycle with no backup plan (meaning having enough $$ for another cycle). Doing only one cycle, and having to quit cold last time was too hard. Painful. Emotionally crushing. If I know I can go right into another cycle if this cycle doesn't work, then I think it will be easier (at least, this is the mind game I'm comfortable playing with myself).

I really didn't think we'd be able to save up enough on our own for two cycles, and we weren't comfortable with putting ourselves even further into debt by borrowing two cycles' worth. With all three things coming together at once, we can manage to do this without having to face paying off our infertility loans from our nursing home.

Of course, this is just paying for the damn cycle. I have to go for blood tests still (again), so assuming my FSH isn't shooting for the stars, and assuming I'm not already too old, and assuming my eggs aren't poofs of dust, and assuming, assuming, assuming...

(Of course, I could assume that all will go well, and my numbers will be good, and I'll respond to the protocol, and have lots of eggs, which will fertilize and grow into A+ embies, two of which will be transferred, one of which will stick, grow and pop out 9 months later. And we'll have frozen embies, to boot. I could assume all these things, but where's the fun in that?)

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26 February 2007


Bloody hell. I just called my clinic to make an appointment.

Can't. breathe. heart. pounding.

**updated to add: Appt. made for March 29. Need new bloodwork. Ho-lee, we're doing it again.

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23 February 2007

Scratchy, Stuffy, Coughy and Grumpy

The Dwarves you never hear about.

*sigh* I'm sick. Again. After some 6 weeks with the flu over winter break, I am now, mere weeks later, sick again with a chest cold. I've been hacking up a lung all week. And just because coughing to the point of seeing spots and nearly passing out from the lack of oxygen isn't enough fun, I've also had, well, shall we say, "intestinal problems."

I had to go to the mikvah this week (that's a whole 'nother post in itself), and I had a little meltdown in the water. Normally, I take a private minute after immersing to say some special prayers, including one for me and Hubby to be able to a) do another cycle, and b) have it be successful. I started to do that this time, and when I got to praying for myself, I fell apart. I kept thinking, "I can't even take care of myself, how the hell am I supposed to take care of a child? Maybe this is why we haven't been able to come up with the money. Maybe we're [wait for it...] not meant to have children."

I was so grateful the attendant had left the room.

Look, women throughout the ages have taken care of their children when they've been sick. I know I'd be able to do it, too. But it's been so hard to get through this week; I had to call in sick two days, I've been in the bathroom more than I've been out of it, I haven't slept a single night all week for all the coughing, I haven't eaten much of anything all week (bonus! I've lost 5 pounds!) and I am desperate for some wonder drug that will knock me out and let me sleep for about two days.

I know, I'm whining. I'll feel better soon, and this will all be a distant memory. Until the next time I'm in a knock-down, drag out with my resident germs.

Meanwhile, I wonder how much weight I'll lose on the Hacker Diet (TM) before I get well?

17 February 2007

Whoops, here comes another one

A warm, infertility blogger welcome to Kirby. Kirby is another Ortho Jewish blogger, dealing with Male Infertility Factor. I always hate when someone else has to join the club, but as I told Kirby, I'm always so glad there's a club to join. Having someone with whom to share your struggles doesn't necessarily make the struggle easier, but it definitely makes it more tolerable.

Check out her story, and go give her love:

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15 February 2007

Don't tell anyone

and definitely don't get your hopes up, but

we may be able to start a cycle soon.


For those who celebrate it


A quote, for your love-day pleasure:

"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell."

- Joan Crawford


13 February 2007

Cookie monster

Haha! I received the following today. Funny, considering my dream...

"Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the b*tch up with cookies."


Winter-style dreamin'

So I had this dream. I usually have weird dreams that make me go "huh" when I wake up, but this one was so upsetting. (I also dream in colour, which apparently is unusual.)

I dreamt I was in playing in the snow after a big snowfall, making snow angels. You know - where you lie on the ground and swing your arms and legs and make an "angel." Anyway, at one point in my dream, I was standing and let myself fall - floof - onto the snow. Underneath the snowpack was a scale. It must have been a pretty big scale, because it weighed all of me.

And the scale registered that I weighed 160 lbs. I was so happy, because that's an okay weight for doing a cycle. In fact, it's less than the weight I finally weighed right before my last (and only) cycle. In my dream, I didn't have to diet anymore and was ready to start cycling!

The upsetting part was: I woke up. And realized that I still had the same blubbery bottom as before I went to sleep. It was, after all, just a dream.

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08 February 2007

A simple, "No thank you" would suffice

What is it with people/companies/etc. these days? Back in the good ol' days, it would have been positively unthinkable to leave a person hanging. These days, it seems follow-up is becoming extinct. Let me explain.

In the past many months, Hubby and I both have been contacted by various organizations. Hubby has been called to be a possible consultant on a project. Hubby was asked to submit a proposal on another project. For both pojects, the people contacting Hubby were extremely enthusiastic about his participation. I was asked to participate in a community event, which I said would depend on the information they sent me. The event is in the planning stages; whether or not it happens depends on if they get enough participants. That's three different contacts, for those keeping track.

Have any of these people gotten back to us? No. The first project was dependant upon whether or not they could get funding. Fine, so call Hubby and say, "sorry, we couldn't get the funding." The second group decided to go in another direction. He's still waiting for the, "thank you for the time and effort you put into our proposal, and working so hard to keep the costs down, but we're going to go in another direction." As for my event - I have no idea if it's on or off, I never received the information the person was supposed to send. I have sent two emails, the last one including a request to at least confirm with me one way or the other.

Nothing. Nada. Zilp. Zilch. Zippo.

With my round of job applications last year, I discovered that this attitude is also de rigueur in the working world. Apparently, it's no longer necessary to say, "thanks, but no thanks" if you're not interested in someone. A few years ago, I interviewed for something, got called in for a second interview and still never heard back. I had to call them to find out they selected someone else.

It's wrong and rude. Especially in this electronic age. Send an email, for cryin' out loud. One email is all it takes; bcc all the peole you're rejecting, so you can send one email to everyone. Seriously, how much time will that take? And for the love of monkeys, if you say you're going to call someone, call them. And especially if you're the one pursuing the person, keep them updated - let them know what's going on. Don't get them all excited about a project, and then drop 'em like a hot potato.

A little bit of politeness and consideration can go a long way. Heck, we can even change the world. It's not hard to make a person feel good. Or at least, it's not hard to keep them from feeling royally ticked off. Take a minute to say, "sorry, but no thanks."

Thank you.

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