06 July 2007

Thank G-d it's b!tch day

Why do some people insist on using enough perfume/cologne to choke an elephant? People! Just because YOU don't smell it on you, doesn't mean WE can't!

Why do 60-year-old lesbians think it's okay to wear a drill-seargent buzz cut, tank tops and combat pants? And then wear bright red lipstick? I don't get it. It's quirky on 20-somethings, but ya gotta stop at some point.

Thanks for the encouragement about low-dose cycles, you guys! I hadn't realized that it was not such a bizarre concept. Now we just have to start our phone calls to see who is willing to do it here. Maybe we'll just wind up going to NYC; what we save on meds will pay for our airfare. And I just want to say, I agree with Bea. I don't object to the information in the letter, I object to its presentation. You won't give me an appointment, but you'll break my heart with blunt, impersonal sentences. Information has to be shared, there are just better ways to do it.

There's this weird thing that happens to me when I'm not cycling. I can actually convince myself that I don't really want kids. I'm tired - I can sleep late. I tell myself I couldn't do that if I children. I'm sore - I don't have to worry about carrying a baby around. I want to go to the movies - I don't have to worry about a babysitter. I hear my neighbours dealing with temper tantrums and realize I'm glad I don't have to deal wtih all that. Until I see a baby, of course. It's all a mind game.

But during my IVF cycles, I wanted it. I wanted it bad. I didn't fall into a puddle of tears when we got our negatives, in fact, if I remember correctly, I didn't even cry. But I was oh-so-sad. Devastated that I'd failed again at having a chance to raise a child, to watch my son or daughter be a bar or bat mitzvah. To watch my husband discuss Torah with him or her. To stand under the chuppah with him or her. To be heartbroken, yet thrilled, when he or she moves out, knowing that I've done my job. To watch him or her go through all of the above with their own children. (wow, is it way too hard to write "my child" when referring to all this). I cry at weird times. Or not so weird. Like when I'm sitting on the bus, in one of the sideways facing seats, and a very very pg woman decides to stand right in front of me (even though she'd been offered seats) with her enormous belly - seriously - right in my face. If the bus swayed, she would have bumped my nose with her inverted belly button. I bawled in my book all the way home. But then I was fine and back to my rationalizations.

I have to make sure that this "eh, I don't really want this" lethargy doesn't overtake us and prevent us from pursuing another cycle, low-dose or otherwise. I'm not ready to face a donor egg situation; I might not ever be. And adoption? We can't afford that. And we're too old for most places we'd consider. Hubby and I have talked about this extensively, and if we were to adopt, we'd want an infant, for a number of reasons. Which really limits our options. So, for now, it's cycling or nothing. And I've already wasted one egg this month, and will be wasting another next month, when we're going away. I don't want to waste any more.

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2 Comments:

At 7/7/07 5:21 AM, Blogger Bea said...

First of all, you've given me a sudden hankering for bright red lipstick. Secondly, it's weird, but I have the opposite reaction to IVF/wanting children. I'm with you on the wanting to make sure you don't end up regretting wasted chances - take all you need/want while you can. Your present self may be feeling ambivalent, but you have to do the things your future self will be happy with. Because you're gonna have to live with her later.

Bea

 
At 8/7/07 11:17 PM, Blogger Lut C. said...

How many times did I wish I could turn off that maternal instinct for good, to move on and be happy with other things. I don't regret feeling like that.

 

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