15 June 2007

The (very) long and the short of it

Random thoughts:

- I hide bad stuff behind humour. I went through some abusive stuff early on and learned to hide what I was feeling so I wouldn't let the other person know they were getting to me. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. It's now a bad habit I hide behind. I have difficulty saying, "I'm sad."

I'm sad.

- The more I think about, the more pissed I am at the clinic nurse who called. I wanted to make a follow-up appointment with my RE right away. She said we really should wait for "the letter" that they send out. Last time, it took weeks to get the letter, and by the time I received it, I was so done with that cycle. I didn't want to rehash it. But now, I want to talk to the RE when it's all fresh, and discuss our egg quality, etc., and the RE's thoughts on why two good embryos didn't take. The nurse finally, huffily, said she'd get a message to the secretary to see when the RE could "fit me in."

Oh, eff you. SO sorry for the inconvenience. I remember feeling this way last time - "Sorry, it was negative, you'll get a letter, okay, buh-bye, get lost." Everyone at the clinic is wonderful and friendly until you get that BFN. Then you're just another patient who made them look bad.

(warning, if you're squeamish or easily grossed out by body stuff, stop reading now. Of course, if you're squeamish or easily grossed out by body stuff, you're probably not pursuing infertility treatment.)

- All day yesterday, I had very, very dark brown (like almost black) thick, mucous-y discharge with little clotty bits. Anyone know why I would brown discharge first, before red bleeding? Today is closer to normal. (haha, very funny body: you hear "bfn" and immediately set forth to flowing. Thanks.)

- I'm very very sad that I'm now niddah. Hardest part of the whole crapfest is knowing I can't get hugs and snuggles. Those hugs and snuggles were getting me through the last few days.

- Ironically, yesterday and today I've been horribly nauseous. (haha, very funny body: you suck.)

- Hubby and I had a most romantic dinner out last night (I didn't get my scotch*, but I did get sake). We just sat, snuggled in a private corner of the restaurant, and talked all gushy mushy. It was lovely. Hubby even got choked up. I love that I'm married to a man who is comfortable tearing up when he talks all romantic-like.

- What a difference blogging makes. Last cycle, a few people knew we were cycling. When they asked how it was going, and we told them about the bfn, there were a variety of responses, none of which was too comforting (somebody actually said we just saved ourselves "$500,000 on tuition, clothes, camp, etc."). This time, with one or two exceptions, you guys were the only ones who knew we were cycling. And I couldn't have asked for more comforting responses than the ones I received from each and every one of you. I am so grateful to you guys. Thank you from the bottom of my sore little heart.

I'm so glad tomorrow's Shabbat. I need a day off to just curl up with a blanket on the couch (and watch old movies, but I can't do that on Shabbat). I think G-d will understand if I don't go to services, and limit my prayers to just personal conversation.

*Shanna, I've tried to drink Scotch properly; I just can't. Except for some stupidly beautiful, v v old Glenfiddich someone gave me. yum.

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At 16/6/07 5:07 a.m., Blogger Nearlydawn said...

Very, very sorry to hear about your BFN - I was hoping for good news for you.

Also sorry to hear that niddah will keep you from getting all the snuggles you need. It is a tough time to be without that support. Hopefully you will find another method of supporting each other.

I hadn't heard of that practice before. I feel I am broadening my mind every time I come to your story. I end up looking up words/customs that I never even knew existed. Thank you for that...

At 16/6/07 7:46 p.m., Blogger Just another Jenny said...

I am so sorry. I am just getting caught up and was so hoping to see some good news for you. It is heartbreaking to read that you have had to go through another negative cycle. I think God will understand that you need some time alone.

p.s. - if your going to drink Scotch, you may as well drink the good stuff, yah for Glenfiddich!

At 17/6/07 5:01 a.m., Blogger Erin said...

I'm so sorry. It must be doubly hard without those hugs and snuggles. FWIW, I've had dark discharge before my period started, so it's not unheard of. But truly, I'm sorry your body is so responsive to that BFN. And that nurse should be fired--shouldn't someone who works in an RE clinic be at least remotely sensitive to the nature of the conversation you were having? I don't think G-d begrudged your day on the couch with private prayers a bit. And again, I'm really sorry.

At 17/6/07 8:40 a.m., Blogger shanna said...

C'mere and I'll serve you a whole slew of Scotches you can enjoy without ice, I promise. Esp. if you drink sherry casked stuff.

You sound like you are handling this amazingly well. Relatively speaking, I mean.

At 17/6/07 1:25 p.m., Blogger Rachel Inbar said...

I'm not really out to win the 'totally irrelevant comment' award, but here goes... In Israel, you have to take kallah (bride) classes before you get married. I managed to skip it with my first marriage, but with my second, I was less adamant and went for one or two long sessions with a Rebbetzin.

I don't know how we came to discuss it, but we talked about the term "Achoti Kallah" (my sister, my bride). Her take on it (I don't know what her source is, if any) was that during niddah, a couple should ideally share the closeness of a brother and sister - genuine love and concern and during the other part of the month, a husband should treat his wife as his bride, with all the novelty and wonder of being together for the first time.

It made me look at niddah in a different, more positive light...

At 18/6/07 3:32 p.m., Blogger MM said...

I am really sorry.
Not only about the (-)
but also because she was being so obnoxious!

At 19/6/07 11:27 p.m., Blogger megan said...

oh. i've been thinking of you, progen.... i hope you're able to get an appointment to talk to your RE about what happened...hopefully they will be more receptive to that then they were with me! keep calling them hourly until you get an effing appointment. it's unbelieveable. of COURSE you want to talk to someone. i don't know why they are so resistant to that. they can keep their effing letter -- you want to talk to someone now!
okay. a little riled up there. sorry.
i hope you and your hubby can be snuggly again. it's hard to go without hugs on a good day....

At 21/6/07 3:15 p.m., Blogger Bea said...

They said what?

I hadn't thought about being niddah under such circumstances. What a difficult thing for an observant infertile woman. Virtual hugs to you, for what they're worth.



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