21 December 2007


Gosh, has it really been two months? My how time flies when life-changing decisions pass you by.

Thank you for the comments & emails - it's always nice to know someone's thinking about you. I kept meaning to post, but then I (allow myself to) get sidetracked; I think primarily because I'm in denial. We've basically decided to not pursue IVF any more. We didn't really discuss it so much; we just sort of quietly, independently agreed on the same decision. If that makes sense.

It's really hard to write that and not go back and delete it. Even though we've decided to stop, and I am fully on board with that (in fact, I initiated the idea), I keep having moments of "maybe we should try one more time." I know we've made the right choice, but I can't help questioning that choice. And I'm sure I'm going to question it even when I'm 90, G-d willing I should live so long.

That's probably why I haven't blogged in awhile. I can't bring myself to write anything without "owning up" to no longer being in the game, but I couldn't bring myself to admit, in black & white, that I sidelined myself. I can say it, but I couldn't see it.

So I have to say thank you for the nudge. Asking how I'm doing forced me to put all this down. I've got a bajillion other thoughts on this swirling around in my noggin, which deserve their own posts.

I've been away, which is why I didn't post this sooner. I was at a family Bat Mitzvah. And for the first time, I didn't cry.



At 21/12/07 8:39 a.m., Blogger Bea said...

I'm so glad to have an update.

It's a tough choice to make and live with, but it sounds like it's the right one for both of you. Hopefully you'll find more and more peace with it as time goes by.


At 21/12/07 8:44 a.m., Blogger shanna said...

You have amazing strength. I admire your ability to make this decision, and wish you much peace with it in your life.

Mazal tov on the bat mitzvah, and your enjoyment of it as well.

At 21/12/07 9:47 a.m., Blogger Meg said...

Projgen - I'm really happy to hear from you and how you are going. I was wondering. :)

I'm glad you guys have made the same decision, and it sounds as if you are making peace with it.

We will still hear from you, won't we??

At 21/12/07 11:43 a.m., Blogger Stacie said...

I am so glad to see you've posted! I have wondered how you are doing. I checked once a week hoping you would return.

The one part of your post that really stuck with me is the "I'm out of the game" line. I don't think that you are out of the game. I just think that now you've changed the rules to how you will play. As you change, so does the game. Does that make sense? (It probably makes more sense in my jumbled head than it does here, but trust me when I say the thoughts are profound.)

I would love to hear that you'll continue to blog...

At 21/12/07 3:18 p.m., Blogger Rachel Inbar said...

I can understand why you've had such trouble posting. Then again, maybe seeing it in writing will actually help with the closure.

I hope that you will be able to look back and say "this worked out OK" - I believe you will and that you'll have more peace now than you have in the past years.

I know how infertility can consume your life, it must be an interesting challenge to reclaim it now...

Wishing you only the best & hoping to hear from you!


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