18 January 2007

This thing called blog

I just can't get a handle on it. *sigh*

I'm not really sure if this is still an infertility blog. I mean, we're still infertile, that ain't gonna change, but I'm not really blogging about infertility. I'm actually kind of still keeping my head in the sand about the whole thing. So the end result is, I wind up not blogging much (well, that, and the fact that I have no time to blog anymore. But seriously, we all know I could make the time if I had anything worth blogging about).

So if it's not an infertility blog, what is it? Infertility more or less defines my whole life. Especially in the observant Jewish world, where everything revolves around the kids. Nobody has holiday celebrations for Married-Without-Children Mid-40somethings. Nobody does special Shabbat dinners for the MWCM40S. Nobody does special, fun get-togethers for the MWCM40S.

Every time I talk to my friends, they're all about their kids. Rightfully so, but conversations get a little stilted when they're happily blabbering away about the toy that little Moshe is completely glued to, or the wonderful Mommy-n-me class that they're taking, or how little Rivka is taking to her swimming lessons like a little fish. And of course, any phone conversation is punctuated with comments to the little ones. I usually don't like talking on the phone to friends with little kids, because inevitably, little kid gets put on the phone. Yeah, it's very cute. For Grandma. Not me.

Anyway, I don't want to sound like I'm whining, because I don't mean to. I'm just not very sure of my place these days. I'm not actively cycling, and I'm not sure if I'm going to be, but I'm not unhappy. I'm just not happy. I'm just kind of going through the motions, I guess.

Maybe that's why I haven't been trying harder to blog. It's no longer, "I blog therefore I am." It's more, "I am therefore I am." But I miss it. Blogging. I guess I just need to do it - try harder. Be present. Get reading again. Get back into the community. Maybe I'll give it a try this week. I'll let you know how it goes.


At 25/1/07 5:32 p.m., Blogger Thalia said...

This is hard for many people in this community (the blog side of it) and the real life side sounds particularly hard in your community, I don't know how I'd cope as what I've done over the last 2 years is bow out of a lot of social events, and that (i) doesn't sound like it works well for your community, and (ii) is less survivable if it looks like it will go on indefinitely. SO I don't really know what to say other than that infertility blogs clearly do have a life after infertility - see Donna at 'a velvet cage', for example.

At 26/1/07 3:20 a.m., Blogger projgen said...

Thanks, thalia - I'll give Donna a peek...


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