27 April 2006

Future tense

Maybe it's delayed PPTSD (Post-Passover Traumatic Stress Disorder*), but all I feel like doing lately is crying. Lots of kids during Passover, lots of beautiful interaction between parents and kids, lots of goo-gooing at the cute baby at the table and all the adults ignoring the other adults in order to goo-goo at said baby, lots of realization that I have some lovely Passover things that a) will never get used, because, not having a family of our own means chances are good we will never conduct our own seder, which means the beautiful seder plate we have will remain pristine, and b) will never get passed on to anyone, may be contributing to this feeling.

Gee, ya think?

Every day, twice a day, when we say the Sh'ma, we say,
"V'hayu ha-d'varim ha-ayleh asher anochi m'tzav'cha ha-yom al l'vavecha. V'shinantam l'vanecha, v'dibarta bam b'shivt'cha b'vaytecha, uv'lecht'cha baderech, uv'shachb'cha uv'kumecha."
And these words that I command you today shall be in your heart. And you shall teach them diligently to your children, and you shall speak of them when you sit at home, and when you walk along the way, and when you lie down and when you rise up.
Every day, twice a day, I am reminded that I don't have any children to teach these words to.

So I find myself dwelling on questions like, Who will conduct the yard sale to sell our stuff after we're shuffled into the old age home? For that matter, who will make sure we're sent to an old age home? Who will say Kaddish for me when I die?

S'okay, though. Eventually I'll go back to convincing myself that I never really wanted kids in the first place.

* The first person who gets on my case for making a pun on PTSD gets my victim-of-PTSD boot up their keister. I am intimately aware of PTSD and its seriousness. But sometimes, ya just gotta mock the absurdity of life however you can.


At 27/4/06 3:56 p.m., Anonymous Rona Michelson said...

Interesting you should talk about this disorder... I categorized the PPCD, Pre-Pesach Cleaning Disorder one year when I found myself suffering from it http://drsavta.com/wordpress/2005/04/

As to your more serious questions. I went through my daughter's struggle with infertility and I know how heart-wrenching it is. I also know there are up times and down times. I hope that this down time will be over soon and that you will look back on these times the way my daughter now does. You can read Rachel's story at www.fertilitystories.com She gives lots of information and support around fertility issues. All of my best

At 29/4/06 5:33 a.m., Blogger projgen said...

Thank you, Rona. And thank you for the link; I've been perusing Rachel's site. Mazal tov for your new granddaughter.

At 9/5/06 3:13 a.m., Blogger ms. x said...

Hi, I know you don't know me, but when I read this post I just felt compelled to respond.

You are not alone. I ask myself these exact same questions.

Sadly, I have kind of given up (for lack of a better term) on really celebrating the holidays because it just reminds me that I have no one to share them with in a meaningful way (I am a convert and my husband is non-religious - he observes some of the holidays with me to a modest degree, but it isn't the same as having famiy to share traditions with).

Anyway, I guess I don't know exactly where I was going with this. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in feeling this way. So, for what it's worth, a stranger feels what you're feeling...



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