15 June 2006

Between my heart and me

Sometimes, in the privacy of my heart, I allow myself to get really angry at my husband. I get angry at him for having had a vasectomy instead of letting his first wife get her tubes tied. I get furious at him for waiting so long for us to get married. I silently yell at him for taking so long to make arrangements to have a vas reversal. I rant that he decided to be self-employed, which did not allow us to have significant savings, so that now, after paying for the reversal, the MESA and one IVF cycle, we have used up all our options and have no way of financing IVF so we can have children. I cry that we have all this love and no one to share it with.

Then, in the privacy of my heart, I apologize and ask forgiveness for being so angry.

This way, I get out all my anger, and I never have to worry about saying something hurtful to him directly in the heat of an argument. He already knows these things. He already feels most of this himself. There is no need for me to rub it in his face.

Sometimes, I can't help feeling the way I do, and I have to let it out somehow.


At 16/6/06 1:51 a.m., Blogger Robber Barren said...

It's okay. It's okay to be angry, and okay to let it out.

I'm so sorry life has stuck you in this situation. :(

At 16/6/06 12:42 p.m., Blogger Meg said...

pg - good on you for at least having the courage to say these things out loud. Which is more than I can do. (Really, it was enough just writing that sentence, actually.)

Don't torment yourself about it. xxx I have a feeling it might be normal, even though hardly anyone would admit it.

Love to you.

At 16/6/06 5:34 p.m., Blogger ms. x said...

I had a long comment written that was really not going anywhere...so, instead of making you weed through it to find the point, here it is...

I know how you feel (for the most part). It sucks. And I'm sorry.

Feel better (don't you just want to shoot people who say that?),

At 16/6/06 9:25 p.m., Blogger Just another Jenny said...

I read this post as if I had written it myself - right down to the husband starting his own business which makes it hard to fund treatment. Blogs work so well for getting things out so they don't actually have to be said.

At 17/6/06 12:06 a.m., Blogger Angie said...

Blogs are good for a few things.. Getting stuff out is one and having wonderful ladies to help you through it is another.

At 17/6/06 2:06 a.m., Blogger Lut C. said...

Today, someone said I had to be patient. Someone who should know better. I told her I was sheer out of patience, and waiting for a new delivery.

I thought to myself, I've got plenty of anger though. The next person that tells me to be patient is going to get an earful.

It's good to be able to express it somehow.

At 18/6/06 2:44 p.m., Blogger Thalia said...

It's hard to have all that anger and not be able to express it for fear of what it will do to the other person. I'm glad you've got outlets.

At 21/6/06 3:42 p.m., Anonymous Anonymous said...

So sorry about your situation. Have you tried the Jewish infertility organization? Thought they provided some help with funding IVF.

At 22/6/06 1:48 a.m., Blogger projgen said...

anonymous: which "Jewish infertility organization" - there are a few. And yes, as I've mentioned in previous posts, I've used all the ones I know about.

At 22/6/06 9:13 p.m., Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bonei Olam is the organization I was thinking about.

At 22/6/06 10:47 p.m., Blogger projgen said...

Ah. They were very helpful, although the Canadian branch of Bonei Olam is called Small Wonders (www.smallwonders.ca). If we ever get close to being able to afford another cycle, we will definitely seek them out again. They provide grants, but only a certain percentage of the total cycle cost.


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