11 May 2006

Elements of Life

I’m coming clean. The other day I commented about not being able to hurt anyone’s feelings – even if they might deserve it. When I was in high school, I went through a very difficult period. And I did something really stupid that could have killed me. A friend convinced me to see the school shrink. He was a nice enough guy. I told him about this really stupid thing I did that could have killed me. How did he react? He got very sad. I upset him. I made him feel bad. I will never forget feeling like I was so awful and horrible that I even made a high school shrink feel bad.

That definitely contributed to my being overly-concerned with other people’s feelings.

As a result, I normally don’t share my feelings with people. When I’m asked how I’m doing, I smile and say, “good” regardless of how sh*tty I feel. But lately, I’ve been more inclined to sort of shrug and say, “hanging in there.” Most people don’t want an explanation, they give an awkward little smile and try to move on. And I don’t even care that I might have just made someone feel bad. So I’m coming clean:

Today is a very bad day. Yesterday was a very bad day. I think I’ve hit my saturation point of everything going on in our lives. Everyone has five major elements in their life that, combined, make up their well-being and happiness. Of course, choosing to remain anonymous, I can’t tell you what they are. So let’s just call them A, B, C, D, E.

I couldn’t help thinking this morning (and for the past few days) that 4 of the 5 elements in my life suck.
  • A. All my good A are gone; gone to a place I’d like to be.

  • B. Thank Gd, I still have my B, although my B are everywhere and nowhere near where I live, so I guess B actually does kinda suck.

  • C. My beloved C is gone, forcing me to find a new C. I loved my C. I feel empty without it.

  • D. D is proving elusive. Due to E, D has to change for me. So currently, I am finding myself with the same D I had in high school. I never dreamed I’d be doing D when I was 40-something. The world is keeping D completely away from Hubby, for some reason. As a result, we have no, um, (oooh, that anonymity thing again. How do I say this without giving myself away?) grblesmack with which to, um, grundyhoppers. Which is contributing to E, and keeping me from A and B.

  • E. My E is not so great. Aside from forcing me to change D, it’s making life very restrictive for me. And because of D, I can’t do the things I need to do to make E better.
And because of one of these, I cannot have a go at another cycle (which is part of one of the 5 elements). So I have no A or B around to help, no C to turn to, no D for grundyhoppers and E is making me feel worse. Holy crap, what else IS there? Is there any wonder I am so miserable? I do believe that there is a message in everything – if you don’t get a particular job, maybe Gd didn’t mean for you to have that job. If you miss the bus, well, maybe you weren’t meant to get on that bus (I don’t apply this to anybody else’s infertility, however. I would never EVER tell anyone, “maybe you weren’t meant to have a baby.” But I do think it for myself). But I sure as hell can’t figure out what the heck Gd is trying to tell me and Hubby.


At 12/5/06 1:45 a.m., Anonymous Anonymous said...

I saw that no one had commented and just wanted to say "hang in there," all of us in cyberspace are praying for you.

At 12/5/06 8:32 a.m., Blogger persephone said...

Wishing I could be A or B, give you C or D, or fix E.

Thinking of you.


At 12/5/06 7:18 p.m., Blogger ms. x said...

I'm so sorry that things aren't going well for you right now. I hope that things will change for the better soon.

Shabbat Shalom,

At 12/5/06 9:59 p.m., Blogger Just another Jenny said...

Sometimes holding a mask all the time can get tiring, even if you want to protect others from your pain. I wish I could do something to give you what you desire most.

At 13/5/06 7:34 a.m., Anonymous Truly Tested said...

what is that amazing line from Yom Kippur...an "alphabet of woes?" In reading your post I think I have finally found someone as paranoid about the unmasking of their anonymity as I am. It's hard when you are a private person by nature and then going through something so personal (that in my case feels shameful and mortifying to boot).I couldn't quite follow the alphabet euphemisms but what I did get was the gist -- that things are not going well, that you are perhaps at your wit's end, and that you don't have the support systems (nearby) that you need to get through this. I completely know what you mean. I have found that I have to "not take certain things on" these days because everywhere I turn, there is stress, and I have to protect myself and stay in survival mode and manage what I do and don't let get to me if I am going to get through this. Thinking of you and hoping that it gets better.

At 14/5/06 7:22 a.m., Blogger Thalia said...

I wish that A and B could be more there for you, and I can't really figure out the others, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry that things are so bleak right now. Hoping that there is a shift in just one of these, that things might start to improve a little tiny bit.

At 17/5/06 5:18 a.m., Blogger projgen said...

Thank you, all of you, for your words of support. It helps knowing SOMEone(s) appreciates what I'm dealing with, even if you don't exactly know what ABCD and E are...


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