project genesis

It's like elementary school and kickball all over again

2011-11-13T18:17:00.003+02:00

So, consider this a drive-by post. Where else can I bitch about this? Lots going on, blah blah, had a chance to try again, but I'm too old, we no longer qualify for free IVF, embryo donation is illegal here, whatevs.

I could handle that. Recently, someone posted an article on Facebook about Orthodox infertile couples in Israel that I had problems with (the article, not the couples. Although, it turns out, I had issues with the couples, as well). It was whiny, the couples interviewed seemed uninterested in the halachic (Jewish law) issues around infertility and were determined to do it their, halacha be damned. I commented that it needn't be that way, and at no time did Hubby and I consider throwing halacha out the window, and we were always open, and we've found people to be supportive, etc., etc., ad naseum, etc.

The poster responded with, "I thought they were very brave for speaking out about this."

GAAAAAAAHHHH! I have been effin' speaking out about this - openly and publicly - for YEARS. Almost since the beginning. We have been begging people to open up about infertility. For some reason, getting dissed by a friend over this article really hit me hard. Not that my friend dissed me, but that I was dissed ON THIS SUBJECT.

Anyhoo.

I just read this:

"I remembered a midrash I had heard once about souls that are waiting up in heaven to be born. They look down into the world and choose the two people they want to be their parents. They know that those parents will be able to provide them with exactly what they need here on earth. This means that, though imperfect people, we are perfectly matched with our children to help them grow into whom they’re meant to be."

I remember hearing this midrash quite a few times. Never thought about it before. Until now. Because I'm already feeling strangely sensitive. And I get it.

None of the souls picked me n' Hubby for their team. None of the souls want me for a parent. If I had the koach (strength) to keep trying, eventually, there'd be one that would have to pick me, because we'd be the only options left. But I'm stick-a-fork-in-me-and-turn-me-over done. I'm tired of being the last kid standing on the field, freezing her ass off, waiting for all the better options to be chosen.

I went back inside, where it's warm and cozy and I don't care if I get picked or not. So there.

Um, hello? Anyone there?

2009-07-26T16:52:00.002+03:00

warning: babies ment

Hi.

I will make no promises about being back. I still have all those blogs swirling around in my head that I can't seem to get out to my fingers. But in the space of a few days, I've had various kinds of contacts with old friend IF bloggers, which has made me realize how much I miss our exchanges. Life goes on, thank God so many of my IF blog friends have gone on to have beautiful children, but I've started digging around the blogs again to try to catch up on everyone. I miss you!

Meanwhile, I can comment on one thing, since moving to Israel. Israel is a very family-friendly country. Nearly everyone has kids, and nearly everything is geared towards children. It has nothing to do with all the religious Jews in Israel. Non religious families typically have 3, 4 or 5 children.

We live in a surburban town that is very family oriented. I know, why would we voluntarily do that to ourselves? We were thinking in terms of convenience at the time, not in terms of the kid-centred community.

Based on past experience of my friends having babies, I wasn't too worried that I'd have a difficult time. And gratefully, I was right. I'm surrounded by pregnant women, babies, toddlers, little kids, strollers, playgrounds, toys, laughter... Ironically, I live one building away from a daycare centre. At daycare centres here, kids spend a lot of time of outside, so it's hard to miss the yelling and laughing and general kid-like sounds.

But yet, I am, thank God, fine. I love playing with my friends' children, love watching them learn to walk and talk and interact. There are still difficult moments, and maybe I can get motivated to post about that another time. Meanwhile, I'm always pleasantly surprised to find that I'm okay. Maybe oversaturation was the key all along.

Another one bites the dust

2008-09-12T10:43:00.002+03:00

JLo is off my celebrity list. I was never a big fan, but I can see the appeal. But when I thought she had gone/went public with using IVF to get pregnant with her twins, I figured I might be able to swing buying a CD of hers. You know, to help her pay for her IVF.

Anyhoo, it now seems that she is denying using IVF. In fact, her exact quote is,

“We knew nothing was wrong with either one of us—I had been checked, and he had kids already,” she says. “I knew, Something’s not ready here, in my head or in my life, and when it is, I know it’s going to happen.”

Wow. JLo told herself to "just relax."

So apparently, according to Jennifer Lopez, if you pursue IVF that means there's something "wrong" with you. Being 38 and never having had children doesn't mean there's something "wrong." Having a body that has gone too long without doing what nature intended and now doesn't seem to know how doesn't mean there's something "wrong."

I don't know which story is true, and I don't really care whether or not Lopez used IVF to get pregnant. But if she did use IVF, why hide it? Why is there still a stigma attached to using IVF? Having worked in The Industry (TM), I know for an absolute fact there are celebrities who have used IVF. But they keep it under the rug. Very very far under the rug. I think they're so wrong. It hasn't hurt Celine Dion to be public about using ART. If other celebrities came out about using IVF, maybe the rest of the world would be interested, and the result would be lots of Cosmo magazine stories about, "10 ways to talk to your best friend about her infertility."

I suppose the downside to that is if you tell your family that you're using a fertility clinic, you run the risk of your sister-in-law screeching, "Oh my god! I just read in People magazine that Paris Hilton is going to be an egg donor for her mother's IVF!"

I know it's a personal, private thing and wouldn't expect anyone to go on TV saying, "Hey, guess what? We're using ART to try to get pregnant!" But after the fact, if you are successful, and there are rumours swirling, why not talk about it? Why not talk about the pain, the suffering, the emotional rollercoaster? It's weird that if you're a celebrity, it's okay to talk about being raped, sexually abused, a coke addict, a heroin addict, an alcoholic.

But using IVF to get pregnant implies there`s something "wrong" with you, and we certainly can't have that.

Un-decision 2008

2008-09-09T16:00:00.003+03:00

With regards to my last post, your responses were beautiful and thoughtful. So I wanted to address some thoughts. Firstly, there were a couple of suggestions that we consider MESA again for Hubby. It was very painful the first time around, and as a result of that procedure, and the attempted reversal, Hubby now has a fair amount of scar tissue.

Hubby is not very interested in having more knives directed at his netherworld.

We've discussed the issues ad naseum. One of the issues was the recommendation of our RE in Canada that we use donor eggs. I'm still mad that we couldn't get an appointment until well after we were too disenchanted to want to discuss the reason behind that recommendation. We had only had two cycles, both of which were very aggressive, yet left us with only 2 or 3 eggs. We would have liked to talk about a low-dose cycle, which some doctors think produces stronger, more viable eggs.

I know I'm rambling here; I'm trying to get all the thoughts blowing around in my head into some semblence of order. I made a "joke" about deciding by not deciding, but in actuality, we've discussed everything so much that I think maybe we have decided, but neither of us really wants to put voice to that decision, because that will make it real. As long as we don't actually say it out loud, there's still always a remote possibility.

It just seems like the cards are stacked against us.
- We need Hubby's "donation," either from Vancouver or a new MESA
- I'm "old"
- We might need donor eggs, which
a) is near impossible in Israel for religious Jews. Very problematic.
b) is not something we're willing to consider at the moment,
c) is also not something we can afford. Not even close.

Usually when the odds are against me like that, it gets my hackles up and I fight even harder. This time, I'm tired. It's hard work, this making aliyah. Knowing how I am when cycling, the idea of starting a cycle now (or soon) makes me want to crawl into a closet (if we had closets in Israel) and hide.

It ain't over. Give me a month or two. Things may get re-undecided.

Yes, no, maybe, I don't know

2008-09-05T18:03:00.005+03:00

(Ah, so here's the problem with writing blogposts offline - I write them, save them, but then forget to post them. :sigh: I wrote this 4 days ago.)

Random thoughts:

Here we are in Israel where fertility treatments are free.

I am - barely - within the age range to get free treatments.

Hubby's spermcicles are back in Canada.

Hubby's spermcicles were retrieved via surgery. "On demand" contributions are not an option for us.

It would cost a fair amount of money to send our spermcicles from Canada to Israel.

We don't have jobs yet in Israel, and with ulpan (Hebrew classes), it's likely we won't have any serious work for a few months yet.

Money is tight.

---------------
Don't you just love the irony? Before, in Canada, when we were both going through rough spots with work and had no money, we had to pay for IVF. Now IVF is free, we again have no money and we have to pay to get the spermcicles from Canada to Israel. Crap in a basket.

For better or for worse, I've never been one of those people who would do anything to have a baby. I will do a lot, spend all our savings, undergo gobs of procedures, stand by my man while he undergoes gobs of procedures, including multiple surgeries. But I'm not sure if I'm willing to put myself through all that again, especially while I'm trying to adapt to living in a different country, with a new language and customs and beaureaucracies.

I keep thinking about how every stage of every step of every single thing we've done to try to get pregnant was a battle. First we have an expensive reversal that failed. Then we have MESA that cost a fortune. Then we both wind up unemployed, using what's left of our savings to have one IVF. That failed. After we waited for months while I lost enough weight to satisfy the RE. And then we sit there for ages with all these frozen bits while we try to scrape up enough money to do another cycle. That failed. Of course, I'm glossing over all the details of each cycle - the cancel/don't cancel/you should cancel/wait one more day, one egg/two eggs/two blasts/one blast drama. And all I can conclude is that I'm a big whiny weiner because so many other people have gone through so much more in their efforts to have a baby. And they didn't give up as easily as I feel I'm giving up (although to be fair, we haven't "officially" given up yet).

Are all these challenges G-d's way of saying, "sorry hon' it ain't gonna happen" and I'm just not getting it? Or is it, "can you handle the challenges of raising a child? Let's see how you handle these tests first." And oops. I guess I'm failing.

Seriously, I just don't know. I honestly don't know if I can face another cycle. The physical toll of doing a cycle is always very hard on me. It takes me a long time to bounce back from a cycle. And emotionally? Well, the whole egg thing practically kills me each time, and then of course, there's the BFN. I just don't know if I can take another "no."

And then an Infertile Myrtle friend of mine successfully has a baby (Mazal tov!), changes her Facebook status to "is in love" and it makes me wonder if I can face all the no's on the chance that maybe I can have a yes and feel like that, too.

Shabbat shalom.

Blog, interrupted

2008-08-31T12:30:00.003+03:00

How frustrating to finally get myself back into blogging, only to have isp problems that keep knocking me offline. At least we think it's isp problems. We have a tech coming over today.

Now if I were a logical person, I would write all my blogs in a notepad and then during the few minutes I have online, I would pop in and throw a post up.

That's if I were logical.

I guess I'll just have to learn to write my posts out before hand so I'm not thrown off by being thrown off.

More ammo for the right wing

2008-08-21T11:23:00.002+03:00

Of course she did. :sigh:

"...Khamis, who already has three daughters, took fertility drugs in an effort to have a son."

The full article is here.

I know the story isn't so new, but I'm a little slow on the draw these days. The first frustrating thing is the use of fertility drugs and having septuplets. That one's just fuel for the fire for the folks who are all against reproductive assistance.

Then, she took fertility drugs so she could have a boy. Well, now she's got boys. Four of 'em. All at once.

Thennnn, there's discovering she was carrying multiples and not wanting to have an "abortion." It's called selective reduction, people. Sure you could make an argument that it's a form of abortion. But medically, it's not. There is nothing easy about selective reduction, and I certainly don't mean to make it sound like it's just like cleaning out your closet. Thank G-d, her choice (or lack thereof) resulted in stable babies. G-d willing, they should all grow to be healthy and strong. Yes, there are odds for a reason - someone has to be that one in 800,000*.

This whole story got my dander up (could ya tell?), because situations like these do nothing to help the cause of ART. Multiple births contribute to the difficulties in getting ART funded by health care ("why should MY tax dollars pay for all those babies?"). Multiple births in countries that are seen as third world, but really aren't, just perpetuates an attitude of "backwards" people. Not to mention making people with religious convictions look like fanatics because they wouldn't reduce a dangerous pregnancy. So anyone with religious convictions is painted with the same brush. And stories like this cause some women who could benefit from fertility drugs to shy away from using them out of fear of multiples.

Eh, you get my point. I'm done. I'm going to go off and stew in my coffee for a while.

*Note: not an actually statistic. I made something up that sounds very rare to make a point, not to support a research paper.

Sperm donation leads to evil, cruelty and sperm donation

2008-08-12T21:53:00.003+03:00

Infertility Network reported on an article recently on Ynet regarding a statement by Rabbi Nachum Rabinowitz, a posek in the Religious Zionism movement. R' Rabinowitz stated that, "A woman who decides to have a baby out of wedlock by means of a sperm donation is unbelievably cruel."

I disagree, but I see where he's coming from. Judaism espouses a "traditional" family, ie, a mother, a father and children. It's all over the Torah: "a man shall cleave to his wife," G-d said to Adam and Eve, "be fruitful and multiply." Etc., etc. I would assume (oye, never ever assume) that the Rabbi is implying that this is cruel to the child to deprive him or her of a father and cruel to the potential fathers out there.

R' Rabinowitz added "Whoever plans on having a baby like this by choice, just in order to fulfill her needs as a mother, has exceed all evil and cruelty."

I can argue that one all day. Why does anyone have a child? To fulfill some need, of course. Wether that need is to satisfy a mitzvah, a personal desire, the desire of your husband, all of the above, another option altogether. Why do I want children? Not for some altruistic reason, that's for sure (okay, maybe a little bit altruistic reasons). At what point does fulfilling a need become selfish or evil and cruel? If you satisfy your need for crack, that's all sorts of selfish, but evil and cruel?

Rabbi Yaakov Ariel, president of Tzohar claims that sperm donation encourages birth without marriage, and "grants legitimacy to late spinsterhood." As if most women are single in their later years by choice! Yes, I know many are. But in my (albeit limited) experience, women who choose to remain single also do not want children. My women friends who have had children as single mothers, chose to do so because they were afraid they'd never meet the right man, and never be able to have children if they waited any longer. That ol' biological clock becomes a very real thing.

But the quote that really got me, also from R' Ariel, "There is no such thing as a single-parent family... A family consists of a father, mother, and children."

Tell that to every single mother whose husband left her. Every single mother struggling to raise her children after her husband was killed in an accident, in a war, in a senseless act of violence. Tell that to the single mother fighting to keep it together after her husband has died after a long illness. No single-parent families, my ass. And yes, it works the other way, too: There are countless single fathers who raise beautiful children day after day. However, my impression is it's easier for a single father to find another woman. I know far more single mothers trying to find a date, never mind a husband, than I do single fathers.

If Rabbis could give birth, I think they'd come up with a whole different perspective. Yes, statistically, children do better in two-parent homes that consist of a woman and a man. But that doesn't mean that a child from a single mother will not perform well. It doesn't mean children from a same-sex partnership will suffer. Circumstances are everything. And if a religious woman is not married by her late thirties, and is afraid she won't be able to have children, and understands how being single and having children will affect her life, and understands why she wants this child, then she is not cruel, not evil, not promoting spinsterhood. She is creating a beautiful human being who will be loved and wanted and cherished.

And isn't that fulfilling a hell of a need.

Revisiting the past

2008-08-07T16:02:00.003+03:00

I actually wrote a blog entry before we left, but never had a chance to post it.

So let's go back in time. Here's what I wrote:

So it's not bad enough I'm worrying about packing, the movers coming (next week!!!), getting rid of the stuff we don't want to bring, how to get from the west coast to the east coast with our dog, finding an apartment, the cost of shipping, running out of money, getting new jobs, saying goodbye to everyone.

No.

I also have to think about whether or not to do another cycle. I know I don't need to think about it right at this moment, but actually, I kinda do. If we want to do another cycle, being Male Factor and all, we have to arrange to ship Hubby's, erm, little guys to Israel. A process that we know is expensive.

So.

Do we want to spend over a thousand dollars of money we can ill afford to waste on something we're not sure we're going to do? Maybe Hubby could have another MESA, you say. Yeah, YOU tell him that. After a vas, vas reversal, and MESA, he swore no one was going near his nether parts with a sharp pointy thing again. He also said, "I shoulda just had a zipper installed" but that's neither here nor there.

We decided by not deciding. The spermcicles are still in Vancouver. Hubby thinks we can have them sent over "anytime." Um, yeah. Sure.

Took a wrong turn at Albuquerque

2008-08-05T10:57:00.002+03:00

and wound up in Israel! At the risk of sounding really corny, a big huge thanks and a massive group hug to everyone who checked in on me. It's really nice and gives me warm fuzzies to know there are people out there who are concerned about me.

But, I'm fine, all is good in Projgen land. As good as can be expected, of course.

I had mentioned a while back that Hubby and I were planning on moving to Israel. Once we started packing and selling and donating and dumping, there was no time for anything else. We had to find an apartment via email, we had to arrange paperwork, I had to wrap up things at my job, etc., etc. Then we left early to visit with our respective families in our respective countries of origin, so of course, internet access was very limited. Not to mention our time was limited. Any time we could grab an internet connection, it was for finding an apartment, contacting our friends who were helping us find an apartment (thank you Kirby - and her other half - and Rachel!). And of course, once again I'm behind on everyone's blogs. So much so, that I missed Bea's baby! I'll try to catch up.

Took a few weeks to get an internet connection, and whittle the 248 emails in my inbox down to 62, but here we are. Still no lift after nearly a month (we haven't seen our stuff for over 2 months), but everyone here has been great - arranging for mattresses, a little card table and chairs, a beer fridge (way to make the Canadians feel really at home!) and even a pot and pan. What more do you need?

By the way, you have GOT to love the irony. My first time logging in to the Blogger dashboard to post in months, and what's the Blogger update?

"Babies are all the buzz at Blogger. Within the last few months we've had three new additions to the Blogger Team: Ryan, Aditya, and Haley. Although it'll probably be a few years before they start sounding off themselves, we get to post some cute pics of them now."

:sigh:

I blow my nose atchyew

2008-05-26T20:57:00.001+03:00

Blogger comments, I blow a big raspberry at you.

:Þ

Back in the old days, if you had a Blogger profile and chose to show your email, your email address would show in the comments when the comments were emailed to the blog owner. If you didn't have a Blogger profile, I think you had to enter your email address and then it would show to the blog owner.

But now, the only address that shows is "noreply@blogger.com." Which means, if someone comments and I want to reply to them personally, I have to go track down their blog and find their email address.

That is, assuming they have a blog. And assuming they have an email address listed somewhere.

Heh. I just re-read this, and now I sound like a stalker.

I don't go crazy trying to find someone's address, it's just that sometimes someone says something really nice, or meaningful, or it's something that I can really relate to and I want to "bond." It frustrates me that I can't. If it's because the commenter wants to stay private, fine. But if it's Blogger's fault?

:Þ

Way to ruin a sense of community, Blogger.

This little light of mine

2008-05-22T00:11:00.000+03:00

Y'know, I have to say - I am extremely blessed in one aspect of this whole infertility crapfest. Many infertiles have posted about friends getting pg, and how difficult it is to be around them. How they want to be happy for their friends, and they try - hard - but just can't help being upset and depressed. Even jealous. Or they are happy for their friends, yet still have to contend with these negative feelings.

All of this makes sense, and is completely understandable. After all we go through, all the disappointments, the crushing negatives, the devastating losses it's near impossible to not be affected by the news that someone near you got pregnant.

For some blessed reason, I don't experience this. I'm not sure why, and I keep expecting these negative feelings to rear their ugly heads when I hear about yet another pregnancy, but I don't. I am truly thrilled when I hear about someone's pg, whether they`ve had an "easy" and "normal" time of it, whether they've struggled with IF for years, or whether they've anticipated having a difficult time because of a medical history and thank G-d didn't.

With all the misery I associate with infertility, and all the garbage that accompanies it - the financial worries, the fights, friends not knowing how to talk to you, etc., etc., ad nauseum - this is one little bright light that I hold onto very tightly. I am so very grateful that I can be happy for everyone who succeeds in grabbing that brass ring, regardless of how the carousel ride went. May G-d continue to grant me this little blessing that holds so much power for me.

I'll take door number 2

2008-05-14T21:14:00.002+03:00

The downside to anonymous blogging is that when you reveal yourself to people who read your blog, and meet them in real life, you tend to think twice about what you say in your blog.

Hubby and I have "come out" to a few people and had a lovely time with them. I've now introduced myself to two lovely bloggers with whom I will be neighbours when we move to Israel. I'm really looking forward to meeting both of them in person!

The problem is, I need to rant. About something very personal. But I don't want the people I know IRL to necessarily know this stuff. Some of it has to with Hubby, and I don't want to embarrass him or make him look bad to the people who know him.

So I'm stuck having no one to talk to.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy to have met some of my fellow bloggers in person. And I'm very much looking forward to meeting my soon-to-be neighbours! I don't regret that for a moment.

It's just that... I've lost something. I'm amazed at those people who can put themselves out there, without hiding behind anonymity, having the courage to just be themselves. I've witnessed some episodes where people (usually family members) got hurt as a result of that openness, but they typically seem to work things out in the end. But those are rare occasions. The payoff of being "out there" is you have family and friends posting on your blog and being supportive. And knowing what's going on without you have to answer the same questions over and over and over. Not being anonymous definitely seems to have its advantages.

I wish I could do that.

Frumtarts

2008-05-09T22:15:00.003+03:00

This whole Miley Cyrus episode has had Hubby and I talking about the issue of sexualizing teenagers. And of sexuality, in general, and who's responsible.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, the issue is, 15 year-old Miley Cyrus posed for photos with the famous Annie Liebovitz. One of the photos shows Miley on a bed, wrapped in satin sheets with her exposed back to the camera, looking over her shoulder.

So what. You see more flesh on a beach, right? Yeah, well, satin sheets, exposed back...that's extremely suggestive. And no 15 year old should be photographed in such a suggestive pose. It's not about how much of your body is covered, it's about *how* your body is covered.

For example, when Britney Spears first rocketed to fame, her video for "Oops I did it again" has her and her gal pals prancing all around in a school uniform. The skirt's a little short, but all the important parts are completely covered. It's *how* she wears the uniform that makes it inappropriate.

Judaism asks for modesty from all Jews, male and female. For women, this has been interpreted by the most observant groups to mean women must be covered from collarbone to knees, with opaque socks or stockings and elbows covered. Modern Orthodox interprets it a little more loosely, but still expects fair coverage. These are by no means all the rules of tzniut, or modesty, but you get the idea.

Hubby and I were at an ultra-Orthodox synagogue in another town, and observed a group of beautiful young women. There was not an ounce of skin below the collarbone to be seen, sleeves were long, knees were covered, stockings were dark tan.

But also:
the shirts were skin-tight
the skirts were slim-fitted through the hips
the heels were 4-inch flippy-sandal spikes
the various tops they had on over the skin-tight shirts were rabbit-fur shrugs or off the shoulder shrugs

To be honest, these beautiful girls looked like overly-dressed hookers. Both Hubby and I came to that conclusion independently. Even their sheitels or wigs were overdone. It was sad and disturbing.

Thus was coined the term, "frumtarts"

Not to be confused with Hot Chanies, of course. ;)

Which leads me back to Miley Cyrus. Where were her parents? Supposedly her father was there, and the pictures were digital so they were able to view them immediately. I don't blame Miley at all. When I was 15, which was a very long time ago, I knew who Annie Liebovitz was. If she wanted to take my picture, and told me to wrap myself in a satin bedsheet, I wouldn't have been able to say no - it's ANNIE LIEBOVITZ for cryin' out loud! The doyenne of Rolling Stone Magazine covers!

However, Billy Ray Cyrus, Miley's father, has been in the business long enough to not go google-eye in the presence of Annie. And certainly he knows what is suggestive and what is not. And what is appropriate and what is not. What made him think that seeing his little daughter in that pose was acceptable?

As for the frumtarts? Well, you don't need to be exposed to tv and movies to know what's not appropriate. Following the letter of the law and being covered up does not mean you've covered up your sexuality.

Just look into the eyes of the next photo you see of a Burqa-wearing woman.

The meaning of life

2008-05-07T01:58:00.003+03:00

Oh, seriously, where to start? ;)

I think I forgot to mention that last November, I lost my job.

A week later, one of my vendors offered me a job with her and her partners, knowing that it would be just until we moved to Israel. Perfect!

Three weeks after that, she decided to go off and start her own company and didn't think she'd need me.

Then she decided she'd need me, but only part-time.

I've been full-time since. So full-time, that I have no time for anything else. I use my own computer at work, so I have no computer at home anymore (don't worry, I get reimbursed!), and I'm in full-on work mode at work, so no tme for emailing, blogging, reading blogs, etc. Until recently, when I started making time.

So up until last week, I'd go to work, come home, eat dinner, spend an hour doing something - paying bills, sorting recycling, doing laundry, maybe talking to Hubby - then crash. I was under extra pressure because Hubby's not working, and since we need every penny to move to Israel, I felt like I couldn't take any time off.

This week, I said enough.

Projgen: "Enough!"

I am trying to leave work 5 minutes early so I can catch a reasonable bus and get home before 6:30pm. Of course, when I get home, I am sorting through stuff.

Y'know. "Stuff."

The stuff you accumulate after years of living in one place.

The papers, the magazines you mean to read "someday," the tchotchkes, the silly toys and pens and binders, the 536 videotapes, the 324 cassette tapes, the family pictures - the duplicates that you meant to give to family, the blurry indistinct shot that you never threw away - the fry pan with the broken handle, the ceramic statue thing that some relative gave you that you felt too guilty to get rid of even though you really don't like it (the statue, not the relative).

Stuff.

Holy cow, do we collect a lot of stuff. And I'm pretty brutal on a normal basis as to what we get and keep, and still we have "stuff."

Moving to Israel is making us rethink our "stuff" and how much "stuff" we really need in our lives.

George Carlin is my hero.
[warning: language]

To be or not to sleep

2008-01-06T22:11:00.000+02:00

Will they or won't they. Ah, there's the rubbing question. To shake up Shakespeare a bit.

When last we met projgen and Hubby, they had decided to give up on the whole pursuing fertility thing. No more cycles. No more talk of IVF. No more clinic appointments, no more pouring every penny of savings into useless drugs, retrievals and transfers. No more false hope.

But then. Ah, but then!

While walking down the street one day (not in the merry month of May), projgen innocently turns to Hubby and brings up Mum's comment about adopting in Israel. "I can't believe she said that," says pg.

And then Hubby says, "I think we should look into it."

[end scene]

Um. What?

We've talked about adoption, and we both decided it wasn't for us. People who adopt are very special people. Thank G-d there are people out there who want to adopt. I just don't think I'm one of them. I don't know if I could ever get over the lack of genetic connection. Which is funny, since nobody really looks alike in my family. But, I love looking at pictures of Hubby's great-great grandfather and seeing Hubby's face. Hubby's family all have distinct similarities; they're not identical, but you sure know they related. I wanted that for our children, too. And selfishly, I don't want to deal with the issue of birth parents, and what if someday my adopted child wants to find his birth parents? I could never keep that information from my child, but I know I'm not strong enough to deal with that issue. Those are just some of the difficulties I have regarding us adopting.

Hubby has always said that he wants to have a family with me. He wants a child that will have my smile, his eyes, my hair, etc., etc., which is partly why he wasn't so keen on adopting.

So where did this, "I think we should look into it" come from?

Then, he dropped the big bomb: after 6 months of living in Israel, we're eligible for free IVF. He thinks we should try again.

Hello? Excuse me. Can anyone tell me when this rollercoaster ride ends?

I could write a book

2008-01-06T21:51:00.000+02:00

I've had a very "what not to say if you're thinking of saying something to infertiles" few weeks. It's like my whole family read the book and decided "eh, what do they know." So there was the lovely, sweet relative who said "just relax." Then, we were at my mother's.

A little background: my mother has never, not once, expressed any interest in our infertility issues. She has never, not once, said anything remotely resembling, "this must be so hard for you" or "I hope this cycle works for you" or even, "is there anything I can do for you?" She has, two months after our last cycle failed, said something to the effect of, weren't you guys doing a cycle? What happened?

A tower of support, as you can see. My parents did give us a little money during our first cycle, however, that was already planned as a birthday present anyway. Don't get me wrong, I was grateful for every single penny. It's just that it wasn't initially intended as help for our cycle.

So, with this information in hand, Hubby and I were visiting my parents, standing in their kitchen talking much about nothing, when Mum pipes up, "I think you guys should look into adopting when you get to Israel."

WTF????

A) Last I looked, there is a 6-year wait for infants.
B) When we get to Israel, we will be living off our savings and a wee bit of assistance from the government until we get out of ulpan and get jobs.
C) Adoption is freakin' expensive (although to be fair, I haven't checked costs in Israel, but I would assume they would be comparable)
D) We're freakin' old. Okay, not that old, but we're definitely not in the "great candidates" age range. (I just checked - in Israel, you have to be under 40 to adopt. That puts us right out of the running.)
E) What makes her think we even want to adopt?

I politely pointed out these things while chanting "kibbud av v'em. kibbud av v'em*." in my head to keep me from totally losing it. She just kept repeating herself, so finally I said, trying to unclench my teeth, "sure. We'll look into it."

That was capped by an evening with my cousin and her kids. I was saying how cute her baby boy is - a real charmer - and she said, "ya want him? You can have him." Now, I've never discussed our infertility with her, and she's never asked why we don't have kids. So she wasn't doing the infertility "have one of mine." But still, why do parents do that? What if I said, "Omigosh! Really? I'd love to take him!" Even if I wasn't dealing with infertility, and had been able to have a child, y'know, that other** way, I would never say that. I would be inclined to say, "yeah, he's a handful, but I love him." or some such. I might even threaten under my breath to feed fictional child to the lions, but I would never offer to give my kid away.

The only chapter missing these past few weeks has been the, "maybe G-d doesn't mean for you to have children." But that's okay, I've been supplying that one myself.

* Honour your father and mother. The Fifth Commandment.

** Apparently, having sex just for fun (just for fun!) has been known to get women pg.

Friends, infertiles and countrymen

2008-01-02T00:30:00.000+02:00

What did infertile woman do before the internet? I can't imagine going through all this for the past few years without you guys. First, I had the blogs that I read, and being sympatico with the other commenters was comforting.

Then I started blogging myself, and being on the receiving end of all that support and caring was a revelation. I receive such strength from your comments. Even if we disagree on things, knowing that you're interested enough to take the time to comment on something I said is powerful.

What did our mothers and their mothers and their mothers do? We still don't really talk about infertility with our real-life friends, we don't search out other infertiles. Where I am, the support groups have not worked. Hardly anyone shows, the leaders keep leaving and the few meetings that have been held, no one really spoke with each other afterwards. A few did, but it was apparent they knew each other already.

We know our matriachs prayed fervently to G-d; we know Rachel took out her frustrations on Jacob when she snapped at him, "Give me children, or else I die." (Gen 30:1) He, of course, snapped right back, with good reason, but if she was looking for support, she wasn't going to find it with Jacob. He already had a bunch of kids, what did he know about what she was suffering? Sarah was bitter enough to actually laugh at G-d when HE told her she'd have a child. Imagine being that cynical and bitter about having a child that you'd laugh at even G-d.

But they lived in a time when G-d was more tangible. In between then and now, what did women do? Especially when you consider that it's only in fairly recent history that "childless by choice" has become socially acceptable. They must have suffered so.

All this is my way of saying thanks for being there. And thank you for your comments about our "decision." You guys rock. And yes, I do hope to keep blogging. Now that it's in black and white, I don't have to avoid the it. And now that Hubby seems to have changed his mind, I'll need you guys to vent to.

Happy New Year. May 2008 bring all our dreams to fruition.

The best words are left unsaid

2008-01-02T00:02:00.000+02:00

Recently, at a family gathering, I was having a discussion with one of the nicest, sweetest, gentlest women around. Somehow the subject of children came up, I don't remember why, and she said, "I haven't asked because don't like to pry. I know some couples like to wait a few years before trying to have children."

To which I replied, "We've been trying. We can't have children."

She gave me one of her sweet smiles, and said, "you know what's wrong?"

And I thought, "Oh, please G-d, no. Don't say it. Please don't say it. For the love of G-D, woman, please DO NOT SAY what I know you're going to say no matter how hard I pray that you don't say it."

"You're trying too hard. You need to-"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO"

"-relax. If you just relax, you'll get pg right away. I know someo-"

Through the rush of sound in my ears, I interrupted her. I wanted to be 5 years old again, because then it would be acceptable for me to stamp my feet and shout, "stop it, stop it, stop it!!!!!"

Since I'm not 5, I restrained myself as best I could, and sort of spat out through my pasted smile, "You know I love you dearly, but I have to tell you that is the worst possible thing you could say to anyone who is trying to get pg."

As I spoke, I relaxed a bit. I explained that our problem is medical, and no amount of relaxing is going to get us pg.

She was truly surprised that it was such a bad thing to say. Her eyes welled up with tears, and I felt like the biggest shit for making this sweet, wonderful person feel bad. She gave me the biggest hug, and asked if she could keep me in her prayers, to which I replied, "of course. I'm grateful for any prayers."

I'm still not sure if she teared up because I hurt her feelings, or because she was hurting for me. I do know that the tidal wave of terror that welled up in my chest when I knew, I just knew, what she was about to say, was very very real. Hearing "just relax" from acquiantances or even strangers is one thing. Hearing it from someone you love, someone you know is sincere, someone you'd never want to bark at and snap, "eff off, what do you know?" is... I don't even know how to describe it. That welling up of fear, the roaring in my ears and the overwhelming feeling of wanting to run far and fast was a new feeling for me.

And this is after Hubby and I decided we're done.

Which, apparently, now we're not. But that's another post.

MIA

2007-12-21T05:23:00.000+02:00

Gosh, has it really been two months? My how time flies when life-changing decisions pass you by.

Thank you for the comments & emails - it's always nice to know someone's thinking about you. I kept meaning to post, but then I (allow myself to) get sidetracked; I think primarily because I'm in denial. We've basically decided to not pursue IVF any more. We didn't really discuss it so much; we just sort of quietly, independently agreed on the same decision. If that makes sense.

It's really hard to write that and not go back and delete it. Even though we've decided to stop, and I am fully on board with that (in fact, I initiated the idea), I keep having moments of "maybe we should try one more time." I know we've made the right choice, but I can't help questioning that choice. And I'm sure I'm going to question it even when I'm 90, G-d willing I should live so long.

That's probably why I haven't blogged in awhile. I can't bring myself to write anything without "owning up" to no longer being in the game, but I couldn't bring myself to admit, in black & white, that I sidelined myself. I can say it, but I couldn't see it.

So I have to say thank you for the nudge. Asking how I'm doing forced me to put all this down. I've got a bajillion other thoughts on this swirling around in my noggin, which deserve their own posts.

I've been away, which is why I didn't post this sooner. I was at a family Bat Mitzvah. And for the first time, I didn't cry.

Bathtub blessings

2007-10-11T00:32:00.000+02:00

We interrupt these whiny, poor-me postings for a special message...

I just have to say - I have the best Hubby in the whole world. Last night was mikvah night, and I was a little stressed trying to figure out how I was going to get ready in time, since I get home from work late. I had meant to ask Hubby to rinse out the tub for me because he gets home earlier than I do (hey, we have a tub-happy dog, so it needs rinsing in between cleanings), but I forgot.

I got home, raced in the door, and caught Hubby closing the door to the bedroom, so I suspected he had made the bedroom nice and purty, but the surprise was in the bathroom. He not only rinsed the tub, he decided to scrub it for me, placed flowers in a vase, lit a few candles and put my "mikvah-prep table" next to the tub.

Did I mention the glass of wine he had waiting for me when I walked in the door?

I am one lucky ducky.

We now return to our regularly scheduled whine.

Shut up, cranky witch

2007-10-03T22:15:00.000+02:00

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound so whiny and cranky. And thank you for not pointing out my whininess and crankiness.

I don't want to be, or even sound like, a bitter, old, childless crank. I'm just really feeling the lack of invites this year, when even our reliable stand-bys don't invite us. Are we sounding bitter and cranky? Is that why we're being left out? Or is it, as I suspect, we're not on anyone's radar, because they don't see us picking up the kids from school, they don't see at school events, they don't see us at the kid's fair at the Jewish Community Centre, little Rivka didn't ask to come over to Mr. & Mrs. Projgen's house to play, so there's no, "Oh! Look, the Projgens! I wanted to invite them for dinner on Simchat Torah!"

::sigh::

Maybe it will be better once we actually decide where we stand. We still think we want to try another cycle, the low-dose I was talking about. But all the doctors we met previously, who know about this stuff, and to whom we want to talk before making any decisions, are all Jewish and bogged down with the holidays, so we have to wait.

Hey, infertility is like being in the Army, eh - hurry up and wait.

Chag Sameach, and Happy Thanksgiving if you're north of the 49th or Columbus Day if you're south.

Death by holiday

2007-10-02T19:44:00.000+02:00

Man, these holidays are killing me! We were never meant to have two-day holidays, followed immediately by Shabbat.

Quick explanation: almost every Jewish holiday, outside of Israel, is two days. In Israel, nearly every holiday is just one day. This has to do with the Jewish calendar being a lunar calendar, and how the first day of the month is decided upon, and the worry that outside of Israel, we could never really be sure when the month started, therefore, we can never really be sure which day the holiday falls on, so better to be safe than G-d forbid celebrate the holiday late.

Among other reasons.

As a result, every couple of years, we wind up with Rosh Hashana (which is a two-day holiday no matter where you are) falling on a Thursday and Friday. Which means Sukkot* is a Thursday and Friday. Which means Shmenei Atzeret* and Simchat Torah* are Thursday and Friday.

Each of these days is followed by Shabbat. Holidays are observed much like Shabbat, except we can cook - under certain restrictions. So, no flicking switches, no driving, no shopping, no phone, no computer, no news, no keeping up with blogs, never mind blogging. Just peace and quiet for 3 days.

Peace and quiet and walking back and forth to services twice a day every day, cooking 6 festive meals, enough challah for these meals, and 6 desserts. But mind you, those desserts have to be parve (neither meat nor dairy) or you have to make sure the dessert matches the meal (dairy meal, dairy dessert).

And you have to do that for 3 weeks out of 4. In a row. Which also means cramming 5 days of work into 2 1/2 for 3 weeks out of 4. Thank G-d Yom Kippur is in the middle - a fast day keeps you from going insane. ;)

I'm not complaining, mind you. I love this time of year. It's just these 3-day deals that knock me out. Oh, and the fact that no one has invited us to a single meal, and no one wants to come to us, because we're a little out of the way and oh, y'know, "the kids want to be with other kids. And it's their naptime, so we'd rather just host."

No matter how much you love 'em, holidays really suck when you don't have kids.

* Sorry, normally I would put in links, but I'm trying to plan this week's meals. My apologies for all the odd phrases with no explanation, but Google 'em if you're curious ;)

It's the little things

2007-09-20T23:42:00.000+02:00

Today I got a $20 Starbucks gift card in the mail. All because I answered a survey. Which didn't tell me I'd be getting a $20 Starbucks gift card in the mail. It was an unexpected treat. That made me very happy.

It doesn't take much these days.

Go, JLo, Go!

2007-09-19T19:58:00.001+02:00

I am SO not a fan, but that might change, since I think she is the first celebrity to come "out" as using infertility treatments to get pg.

Of course, whether that's willingly or un, who knows? B'sha'a tova to JLo & Marc. I hope she speaks out about this, and chooses to be open about her experiences.

And maybe she can convince her celeb peeps to make a donation to a fertility fund.

And convince Celine Dion to become the spokesperson for IAAC in Canada.

Whatever. I'm always happy when ART works for someone.

I'm baaaack

2007-09-11T08:28:00.000+03:00

But not very willingly ;) Israel was fabulous, wonderful, incredible and stinkin' hot! But considering the "summer" we've been having here on the Wet Coast, I didn't complain once about being dry and warm. And dry.

I'm still a little jetlagged, and disappointed that Rachel Inbar and I couldn't connect, and well, disappointed to not still be in the Holy Land, but I have no time to recover, because I have to prepare for Rosh Hashana. Yes, it's my favourite kind of holiday - one that falls on a Thursday and Friday, followed immediately by Shabbat (who THINKS of these things?!). Oy.

Oh, and I have a sermon to write. I foolishly agreed to speak one of the days. And no one, absolutely no one, has invited us for any meals (there's that no-kids syndrome), so we have to prepare for all the meals. Lucky for me, I have such a wonderful cook for a husband!!

I haven`t had time to try to catch up with any of you on your blogs, so I truly hope everyone is doing well, and has had a good month. Maybe there`s some good news out there, too?

So Ketiva v'Chatima Tovah to those of you observe Rosh Hashana, and happy end of summer to those of you who don`t! Watch out for those fish heads...

Ready to vacate

2007-08-11T00:09:00.000+03:00

I'm trying to be all trendy and make verbs out of nouns ;)

I'm sorry I have no idea what's going on with anyone; I haven't had any time to read blogs, and I feel like I'm missing everyone and everything. I'll keep a, "if anyone is cycling, please bring them success" in my prayers, and healing thoughts to anyone who needs them.

Since we leave on Sunday and it's highly unlikely I'll find time to blog, and tomorrow is Shabbat and I can't blog, this might be it for a little while. But finally, it's a good reason - no moping over failed cycles, no family drama, just a plain, old, ordinary vacation.

Well, maybe it's not so ordinary; it is Israel, after all. A co-worker said, "I hope you have a blast." I explained that's not the best thing to say to someone going to Israel. After a few seconds of confused silence, my co-worker said, "ooooohhhh, right! Yeah, sorry. Have a great time, then."

That's better.

Can't wait! Holy land, here I come.

And maybe - I mean, what's the harm? - just maybe, we'll sneak in a visit to Puah while we're there.

Crying game

2007-08-08T18:41:00.000+03:00

On my way to work this morning, I walked past a man who was obviously fighting back tears. He was holding his phone in front of him, like he was reading a text message, and he looked like he had gotten very bad news.

I so wanted to turn around and follow him, and ask him if he was okay, but around here that could either get me a big hug followed by sobbing on my shoulder(problematic because of modesty issues), or it could get me punched in the face. Literally. So I slunked away, feeling like *I* wanted to cry.

Thank you all so much for your words of comfort, and to you who offered the opportunity to rant off-blog. I'm very grateful, because it did make a huge difference. My relative is doing really well, although, of course, she has her moments. Her kids are also doing okay, although they have yet to sleep in their own beds. We're all slowly moving on, and maybe we aren't quite ready for forgiveness, and maybe we'll never be, but we're moving away from the raging anger. I haven't called him a "rat bastard" in a week.

Meanwhile, on a much happier note, Hubby and I are getting ready for our trip to Israel! We are so excited and SO looking forward to this holiday/family visit. We just have to find a dogwalker (we have the dogsitter, but they don't walk so much as, well, sit), buy a few more gifts, um, pack, and then we're off.

And considering it was, like, 10 degrees here yesterday (that's somewhere around 50 for you Fahrenheit people) and rainy, I'm even looking forward to being in 35+ degrees (that's somewhere around 3rd degree burns for you Fahrenheit people) in the desert.

Thanks again, you guys.

Disappearing act

2007-07-27T19:14:00.001+03:00

Honest, I didn't mean to drop off the face of the earth for 3 weeks. I have been so swamped at work, that I barely have time to pee, never mind take a lunch, read my email (sorry, Mom, I'll mail soon!), and forget about reading blogs. I'm 14 posts behind on the blog with the fewest unread posts. I go home, eat dinner, and collapse into bed.

I knew today was going to be quiet-ish, so I was hoping to post. I just thought I'd be able to be witty and fun. But it's not in me today, because sadly, my family suffered a horrible tragedy a few days ago. For privacy reasons, I can't go into it, but suffice it to say someone is dead and a 3-year old will likely be having nightmares for the rest of his life. Someone I love very much, along with her children, is suffering a pain and horror I hope no one ever has to know. All because another person was selfish and cruel and in incredible pain that he refused to acknowledge and seek help for, and did something despicable.

I want to pray that his soul finds peace, but I can't yet. Right now, I'm happy to hope that his soul rots away in agony for what he's inflicted on my family. And my attention is better spent praying for strength for my family right now. Then I can pray that I find the strength to forgive him, and that my family finds a way to forgiveness and healing. It's going to be a very long time.

I'm sorry this sounds like such a tease. But I need to talk about it, but I can't talk about it here, but this is my best forum for it. It's all so sad.

Infertility haiku

2007-07-06T19:24:00.000+03:00

So I was tagged by Kirby to do this Haiku meme. Kirby's are awesome; she obviously has a flair for the haiku. Mine are kind of lame-ish, but they get the point across.

doctor said cancel
not enough follies or eggs
we retrieved anyway

four eggs, not enough
"we prefer five, six or more."
fertilization

implantation? no.
no gestation, it's all over
no baby for you

first wife said no kids
vasectomy for him
now I get the pain

why don't you adopt?
you know, to get pregnant you
just need to relax

your eggs are no good
use somebody else's eggs
then you'll feel better

I know you'll be a
mommy someday, I can just
tell about these things.

if we use donor
eggs, will our baby also
have his bright blue eyes

(Update: somehow this one got left out of the original)
it's a friend's birthday
but we have no kids to bring
no party for us

I tag Bea, Megan and Meg, who I'm sure doesn't have time for this at all!

Thank G-d it's b!tch day

2007-07-06T19:12:00.000+03:00

Why do some people insist on using enough perfume/cologne to choke an elephant? People! Just because YOU don't smell it on you, doesn't mean WE can't!

Why do 60-year-old lesbians think it's okay to wear a drill-seargent buzz cut, tank tops and combat pants? And then wear bright red lipstick? I don't get it. It's quirky on 20-somethings, but ya gotta stop at some point.

Thanks for the encouragement about low-dose cycles, you guys! I hadn't realized that it was not such a bizarre concept. Now we just have to start our phone calls to see who is willing to do it here. Maybe we'll just wind up going to NYC; what we save on meds will pay for our airfare. And I just want to say, I agree with Bea. I don't object to the information in the letter, I object to its presentation. You won't give me an appointment, but you'll break my heart with blunt, impersonal sentences. Information has to be shared, there are just better ways to do it.

There's this weird thing that happens to me when I'm not cycling. I can actually convince myself that I don't really want kids. I'm tired - I can sleep late. I tell myself I couldn't do that if I children. I'm sore - I don't have to worry about carrying a baby around. I want to go to the movies - I don't have to worry about a babysitter. I hear my neighbours dealing with temper tantrums and realize I'm glad I don't have to deal wtih all that. Until I see a baby, of course. It's all a mind game.

But during my IVF cycles, I wanted it. I wanted it bad. I didn't fall into a puddle of tears when we got our negatives, in fact, if I remember correctly, I didn't even cry. But I was oh-so-sad. Devastated that I'd failed again at having a chance to raise a child, to watch my son or daughter be a bar or bat mitzvah. To watch my husband discuss Torah with him or her. To stand under the chuppah with him or her. To be heartbroken, yet thrilled, when he or she moves out, knowing that I've done my job. To watch him or her go through all of the above with their own children. (wow, is it way too hard to write "my child" when referring to all this). I cry at weird times. Or not so weird. Like when I'm sitting on the bus, in one of the sideways facing seats, and a very very pg woman decides to stand right in front of me (even though she'd been offered seats) with her enormous belly - seriously - right in my face. If the bus swayed, she would have bumped my nose with her inverted belly button. I bawled in my book all the way home. But then I was fine and back to my rationalizations.

I have to make sure that this "eh, I don't really want this" lethargy doesn't overtake us and prevent us from pursuing another cycle, low-dose or otherwise. I'm not ready to face a donor egg situation; I might not ever be. And adoption? We can't afford that. And we're too old for most places we'd consider. Hubby and I have talked about this extensively, and if we were to adopt, we'd want an infant, for a number of reasons. Which really limits our options. So, for now, it's cycling or nothing. And I've already wasted one egg this month, and will be wasting another next month, when we're going away. I don't want to waste any more.

You can't improve, so just give up

2007-07-04T18:53:00.000+03:00

And I quote:

"It's not likely that we can improve upon this in another cycle. It would probably be more logical to consider other options such as adoption and egg donation."

So after being told I should wait for the letter from the RE to make a follow-up appointment, not wanting to wait, then finding out there are no appointments until August, we got the letter. Last cycle, there was at least a hand-written note on the letter. This was straight-on typed, and I'm not even sure the signature isn't a stamp.

The last Barren Bitches Book Tour covered the book by Peggy Orenstein, waiting for daisy (I read the books, but don't do the tours, because book club and book tour stuff makes me feel stupid.) There were so many moments where I nodded and held back a, "you go, girl." But when I got to this paragraph, just a day after getting the letter from my clinic, I jumped up and shouted, "Hallelujah!" Hubby and I had discussed this very thing two weeks before.

"I felt like the high roller whose new friends disappeared when his stake was gone. The caring brochures, the chummy smiles, the warm affect of the clinic "team" seemed abruptly stripped away, revealing nothing more than a cold-blooded business. We had wanted so desperately to believe that we had ignored the sales pitch in the compassion, the coercion in the photographs of babies and sunflowers. But I finally got it - these guys may have been doctors, but they were also salesmen. I may have been a patient, but I was also a consumer. I was undergoing a procedure, but I was also making a deal - and they were making a buck."- Peggy Orenstein, waiting for daisy

We didn't perform up to our clinic's expectations, the odds are we will continually fail and that will make them look bad.

But, they "were pleased to obtain 3 mature eggs and one immature egg."

What's wrong with that? Why do we have spit out 15, 20, 25 eggs each cycle? So what if only 2 fertilize? I'd only want 2 embryos transferred, anyway. Hubby has had a few conversations with an RE we got friendly with at a conference a while back. He told us that the down side of being plied with maximum dosages of gonal-f, lupron, repronex, etc., etc., while increasing the number of follicles and eggs produced, is the potential for chromosomal damage to the embryo. In which case, nature (usually) intervenes and prevents the embryo from implanting and maturing.

Alrighty then. Why did my RE never tell me this? I've never seen this mentioned in my own research, I've only ever seen the warnings of cancer risks to the patient. All the conversations about cancelling this cycle because of my low response, no one ever said, "and y'know, there's a chance that even if we do eggs, the embryos will be so genetically damaged, they won't implant anyway."

What's wrong with doing a regular cycle, with minimum meds, getting one or two follies, one or two eggs? Ostensibly, I ovulate every month anyway. In theory, I'm already producing one egg each month that is going to waste. So what if I don't get extra embryos to freeze? So what if we don't have a choice of the "best" egg and the "best" embryo? People who get pg that other way - y'know, using "sex" - don't get a choice. What the fuck difference does it make? Seriously?

I remembered a clinic whose focus is low-dose cycles being mentioned in an issue of ATIME's magazine a while back and decided to look them up. They're our next phone call. And we're not buying into any caring brochures, chummy smiles or photos of babies and sunflowers.

For extra credit, some light reading: Daily Mail article

Here in my car I feel safest of all*

2007-06-28T22:20:00.000+03:00

*Cars, by Gary Numan

I miss my car. My car was my life. I had a cute zippy little Hyundai Excel 4-door sedan that could fit a couch in the trunk. Seriously, it was amazing what I could fit in that car! It was comfy, and the perfect size for my little legs. It was like it was designed just for me. Everything was right in reach - the radio buttons, the temperature controls, the seat adjustment knob. It was the first car I'd ever owned that I bought, I negotiated for, and was brand-new when I bought it.

I kept my rollerblades in my car, along with socks and sweatpants, so when the urge hit me, I could stop anywhere and go blading. When my car got broken in, the thief took all my toll change, went through my glovebox and made a mess of my cassettes*, pulled the back seat down and rummaged through my trunk, stealing my favourite Navy-issue wool blanket, he somehow missed my beloved blades.

My tent, sleeping bag, Coleman stove, and cooler all fit easily into the trunk, and me-n-my car would happily toddle off to riverbeds and forested remote areas to spend a weekend. After backpacking in the woods for 3 days, I could count on my car's back seat to be a perfect place to lie back, prop up my weary feet and rest a bit before driving home.

My stereo rocked; I could blast Zeppelin without any speaker distortion. My cassette case fit perfectly under the front seat, and I could pull it out and prop it up on the passenger seat without ever taking my eyes off the road.

During ice storms, when I lived in a very hilly area, I would stop my car and try to help people stuck at the bottom of the slippery hills. They would ignore the girl in the Korean car and keep spinning their wheels. I would smile and wish them luck as my little car rolled past them, and easily zipped me up the ice-covered hill.

When I backed my car out of the garage without opening the garage door first, my little car took out 4 panels of the 2-car door, and knocked it off the track, but didn't get even a little dent or scratch on the bumper.

My little car carried me all over the US. We'd go for little weekend jaunts, sometimes with a destination, sometimes not. Sometimes we'd visit far away friends, sometimes we'd just go exploring. My car never overheated in the boiling summer, never spun out in the rain.

The one time I stupidly drove after having one too many, my car got me home safely. I'm half-convinced my car yelled at me for being such a moron.

I carried everything in my car, yet it was spotless. I could drive forever in that car, but it would still only cost me $20 in gas.

My car gave me freedom. My car gave me power. When my car died, I cried a little bit. Okay, a lot. I got another car, second-hand, but it wasn't the same. I traveled, but my "new" car was just a place to stow my gear. I fixed my little car myself, but I couldn't figure things out in my "new" car. My "new" car didn't give me freedom. Or power. It wasn't my real car; it was just a way to get from point A to point B. It was too expensive to hop in and drive somewhere. I no longer have control of the direction my car and I travel.

Once, my body gave me freedom. It gave me power. I could walk for miles, blade for hours, ski across mountains. I could even use it to get stuff, if I wanted to (I did it once, and felt really awful after, so I never did it again.). Naturally, I assumed that when the time came, I could use my body to have children. Especially since it was Hubby who had the fertility issues, not me.

I feel like my body isn't my real body. It's just a thing to carry me from point A to point B. The power is gone. The freedom is gone. I no longer have control of the direction my body and I travel.

I miss my car.

* cassettes are ancient items that look like little tiny videotapes**. They hold music, one album*** per side. They used to be the only way to hear your own choice of music in the car. Most of us had gloveboxes or console boxes full of these little tapes.

** videotapes are not-so ancient items with movies on them that pre-date DVDs. You used to rent them at the videostore (that's why they're called "videostores" - neat, huh?). You could also buy blank ones that you could use to record tv shows. We were all so excited because you could fast-forward through the commercials.****

*** albums pre-date CD's. They were very big, about 12" in diameter, and were made of plastic, and then vinyl. They have lines in them that needles would "read" and translate into music. We would grab a stack of albums and merrily shlep them off to our friends' houses to listen to each other's music. We originated file-sharing by holding up microphones to the speaker and recording the albums onto cassette tapes for each other.

**** commercials are 30-second mini shows that interrupt tv shows every 3 minutes. Thankfully, because of TIVO and downloads, we don't have to be subjected to these horrid, mind-bending, ethics-distorting vignettes that make it impossible to follow the storyline on the actual tv show we're trying to watch.

Waiting for a real post to land somewhere near my brain

2007-06-28T01:20:00.001+03:00

In the meantime, enjoy. Is very beautiful.

Break out the vodka, it's a pity party

2007-06-20T19:18:00.000+03:00

Sorry to run away. I got tired of myself. I didn't feel like listening to myself be gloomy and gripe about yet another thing (that would be my RE's secretary saying she might be able to get us an appointment for August. Hellooo! Ticking time bomb here - uterus could explode and turn into dust any second now.)

I'm just tired of everything being so hard. Of course, Hubby and I were international, so I had to immigrate for us to be together (a year-long process that cost mega bucks). Of course, we had to get married out of town (to accomodate family). Of course, since my divorce from my first marriage was in the States, I had to pay to get a letter from a lawyer confirming that my divorce is, in fact, valid. Of course, since the local rabbi where we got married was out of town and our rabbi was from another country, the person we asked to sign the legal docs (a very old family friend) accused us two days before the wedding of only inviting him to sign the docs, resulting in a frantic, last-minute scramble to find a justice of the peace to sign the docs. Of course, we want kids, but Hubby had a vas. Of course, Hubby's VR didn't work. Of course, the docs tell us to wait at least 6 months to see if the VR worked, and then when it didn't work, they tell us we have to HURRY! I'm OLD!! Of course, the market falls out of Hubby's line of work just as we start cycling. Of course, we couldn't get any of our family to help us so we could do a second cycle. Of course, when we finally get to cycle again, RE tells us to move quickly because I'm OLD!!! Of course, when the cycle fails, RE isn't available for an appointment until August. (this list, of course, omits all the "cancel, don't cancel, no follies, few follies, any eggs? a few eggs" drama)

I know, in the grand scheme of things, this is nothing. It's absolutely nothing compared to those of you who have cycled 7, 8, 9 times. It's nothing compared to those of you who have suffered devastating losses. And I'm in now way intending to belittle the hardships anyone else has endured. I just need to whine and feel sorry for myself. Why does everything have to be so damn hard? Just once, once, I'd like to get something major that I really, truly want so badly, without having it be such a life-altering struggle.

Just once.

2007-06-20T02:16:00.001+03:00

Out From Life

be back shortly

The (very) long and the short of it

2007-06-15T21:57:00.001+03:00

Random thoughts:

- I hide bad stuff behind humour. I went through some abusive stuff early on and learned to hide what I was feeling so I wouldn't let the other person know they were getting to me. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. It's now a bad habit I hide behind. I have difficulty saying, "I'm sad."

I'm sad.

- The more I think about, the more pissed I am at the clinic nurse who called. I wanted to make a follow-up appointment with my RE right away. She said we really should wait for "the letter" that they send out. Last time, it took weeks to get the letter, and by the time I received it, I was so done with that cycle. I didn't want to rehash it. But now, I want to talk to the RE when it's all fresh, and discuss our egg quality, etc., and the RE's thoughts on why two good embryos didn't take. The nurse finally, huffily, said she'd get a message to the secretary to see when the RE could "fit me in."

Oh, eff you. SO sorry for the inconvenience. I remember feeling this way last time - "Sorry, it was negative, you'll get a letter, okay, buh-bye, get lost." Everyone at the clinic is wonderful and friendly until you get that BFN. Then you're just another patient who made them look bad.

(warning, if you're squeamish or easily grossed out by body stuff, stop reading now. Of course, if you're squeamish or easily grossed out by body stuff, you're probably not pursuing infertility treatment.)

- All day yesterday, I had very, very dark brown (like almost black) thick, mucous-y discharge with little clotty bits. Anyone know why I would brown discharge first, before red bleeding? Today is closer to normal. (haha, very funny body: you hear "bfn" and immediately set forth to flowing. Thanks.)

- I'm very very sad that I'm now niddah. Hardest part of the whole crapfest is knowing I can't get hugs and snuggles. Those hugs and snuggles were getting me through the last few days.

- Ironically, yesterday and today I've been horribly nauseous. (haha, very funny body: you suck.)

- Hubby and I had a most romantic dinner out last night (I didn't get my scotch*, but I did get sake). We just sat, snuggled in a private corner of the restaurant, and talked all gushy mushy. It was lovely. Hubby even got choked up. I love that I'm married to a man who is comfortable tearing up when he talks all romantic-like.

- What a difference blogging makes. Last cycle, a few people knew we were cycling. When they asked how it was going, and we told them about the bfn, there were a variety of responses, none of which was too comforting (somebody actually said we just saved ourselves "$500,000 on tuition, clothes, camp, etc."). This time, with one or two exceptions, you guys were the only ones who knew we were cycling. And I couldn't have asked for more comforting responses than the ones I received from each and every one of you. I am so grateful to you guys. Thank you from the bottom of my sore little heart.

I'm so glad tomorrow's Shabbat. I need a day off to just curl up with a blanket on the couch (and watch old movies, but I can't do that on Shabbat). I think G-d will understand if I don't go to services, and limit my prayers to just personal conversation.

*Shanna, I've tried to drink Scotch properly; I just can't. Except for some stupidly beautiful, v v old Glenfiddich someone gave me. yum.

I'll take a Scotch, wet, on the rocks

2007-06-14T18:47:00.001+03:00

First off, apologies for making you wait.

So last night, Hero Hubby came to pick me up, and told me the news. The doctor from my GPs office (not my GP, but another in the office) said the results were negative, and then added,

"BUT"

::sigh::

damn non-infertility doctors.

He said to be sure we test again next week, because "it's extremely common to have a false negative."

That may be. For people who try to get pg the so-called "normal" way. He also said it's still very early, blah blah blah.

I just heard from the clinic, the results were 0. So, no need to re-test, non-infertility doc! Geez, if rabbinical students are now having to learn about infertility, why aren't GPs having to learn at least the basics?

On the bright side, I no longer have to stuff myself with little balls of peanut-oil.

On the other bright side, I can have cocktails tonight.

Oh, and there's an update to the "easy" blood draw. Remember, I asked for the paper tape since I've developed an allergy to the bandaid adhesive? I got big red bruises from the tape. THE TAPE! Argh.

G-d heard all our prayers

2007-06-14T18:44:00.000+03:00

but he said no.

more later.

Hubby to the rescue!

2007-06-14T03:11:00.001+03:00

Hubby actually went to my dr's office. They may stop answering the phones at 4:30, but I guess they still see patients. He explained the situation, put me on the phone, the nurse asked if it was okay to give the results to Hubby, I said "ABSOLUTELY." The nurse called the lab, got the results and gave them to Hubby. After talking it over, we decided to stick with our original plan.

He's coming to pick me up within the hour.

And before you even ask, I couldn't tell anything from the tone of his voice.

I was a basket case when I thought we'd have to wait until "sometime" tomorrow. Remarkably, even though I don't know, I'm fine now. I'll be more fine if it's positive, of course.

Maybe live blogging doesn't suck after all.

It's a charlie foxtrot, sir

2007-06-14T02:35:00.000+03:00

There's an old Yiddish expression: "Man plans, G-d laughs"

After all our planning over who was going to get the call, we heard nothing. Hubby finally called the clinic, AFTER the nurses all left. I checked our voicemail at home again, to hear a message from one of the nurses saying she had been trying Hubby's cell all day and if we got the message in 10 minutes to call the clinic. Otherwise, we're to call them tomorrow. (Like I could make it to tomorrow without exploding)

The message was from 45 minutes ago. I tried calling my GPs office, figuring they could give me the results. I called at 4:28, and got the "we close at 4:30pm" message.

Hubby just called; he's at my dr's office. He's going to call me back in a minute.

Ah, my first experience with live blogging.

It sucks.

Snap!

2007-06-14T00:48:00.000+03:00

That's it, I've just snapped. The pressure got to me. My mouse is acting up, and I can't create a thingie that I need to create for work, so I just started crying. Right at my desk. Argh. Fortunately, no one is in my office right now, and the computer guy had just left.

Hubby just called, and was kind of circumspect, so I thought he had news and was just taking his time getting around to telling me, but no. No news. Teasingly, an hour or so ago, his phone blipped, the name of our clinic popped up for a second, but then disappeared. They probably dialed, thinking they needed to answer a question, then read the chart and realized they didn't have my results yet. Whatever, it was a nasty little tease.

Thankfully, I planned ahead and bought M&M's this morning.

One more thing

2007-06-13T19:28:00.001+03:00

For those of you who don't go back and read comments to previous posts, I'll repeat what I said here:

You guys ROCK!!! I can't tell you how much it helps knowing people are pulling for us. We SO appreciate all the love. Thank you.

You want me to stay 'ere and make sure 'e duzn't leave

2007-06-13T19:16:00.000+03:00

Best movie ever.

Speaking of convoluted instructions, Hubby and I spent quite a while last night talking about how to handle the results of today's test. Since we're both at work, and our jobs are at opposite ends of the city, we had to decide who gets the call from the clinic, and who gets the great or sucky job of calling the other.

I would love to be able to call Hubby with good news, but I'd probably break down in my office, and my co-workers and boss don't know about our cycle. I'd loathe having to call Hubby with bad news (I really don't think I could even do it), but I'd be okay in the office. I hide bad stuff really well.

Hubby would be okay with calling me with bad news, but would have a helluva time keeping calm with good news. And to be honest, I don't want to get any news over the phone. Especially if it's good, because we'd get off the phone and then I'd have to put a cap on it.

It's like planning the invasion of Normandy, I tell ya. So, the decision is, we've asked the clinic to call Hubby. If we hear today, Hubby will pick me up after work and then tell me one way or the other. Bad news, we go for drinks at our favourite beachside lounge. Good news? Hubby gets to drink at our favourite beachside lounge.

Since the last 5 minutes have felt like 5 hours, I have no idea how I'm going to make it to his phone call telling me whether or not he's picking me up. And then, I have no idea how I'll make it to pickup time!

The wai-yay-ting is the haaaaaaaaardest part.

(oooh, lookie: a movie reference AND a song reference in one post!)

((I'm a little delirious, can you tell?))

(((blood draw went awesomely! Tech lady hit my vein with no problem, and even was nice about using the white paper tape when I said I've developed an allergy to the bandaid adhesive.)))

((((Did I tell you I've developed an allergy to the bandaid adhesive?))))

IS IT 4PM YET?????

Just keep swimming

2007-06-12T20:15:00.001+03:00

I have long, indepth conversations with G-d every day, twice a day. Demanding that He make at least one of those little embies stick. But lately I've realized, it's too late for that. They've either stuck or they haven't.

So I've switched to insisting that IF at least one of the embies stuck, He watch over it and keep it healthy, and let it grow fully with all its bits and bobs.

But that feels weird. Defeatist, almost. IF it stuck? Then we have the whole "keep it healthy" thing, which sounds too much like getting hopeful.

And what if I get a BFN tomorrow? Should my daily chats stop? Should I change it to, "Thanks a whole lot for NOTHING!" I can condense 10 minutes of conversation to one word: "why?"

That'll save me a whole lot of time in the morning.

Beta tomorrow. I can get through today, but how the hell do I get through tomorrow??

Hubby Appreciation Day

2007-06-11T23:03:00.000+03:00

With all my griping, whining, cramping/not cramping, etc., etc., I failed to mention something.

I have the best Hubby in the world. He comes with me to every appointment that he can. He's had to miss two because of meetings he couldn't get out of, but otherwise, he's there for every blood draw, every ultrasound.

And while I was stimming, he was in the bathroom with me morning and evening, popping open needle caps for me, prepping the alcohol wipes, collecting the needle wrappers, used cotton balls and wipes and tossing them in the garbage, and putting the used needles in our sharps jar.

He can't take the shots for me (although I'm pretty confident he would, if he could!), but he tries as much as possible to make sure this is something we're both going through, and that I'm not doing all the crap work alone.

And that makes me one very lucky Projgen.

And the beat goes on

2007-06-11T22:58:00.000+03:00

and on and on and on....

My body hates me. On Saturday, I had what felt like "I'm getting my period any minute" cramps all morning. I was so miserable, so sure it was all over, when the cramps suddenly ratcheted up.

Ah. Just an IBS flare up. Probably still residual effects from forcing my insides to EMPTY! ::sigh::

I told my body it was unecessarily cruel and heartless to do that to me. But does my body care? No. It just snarled and said, "Don't like it? Go find someone else to jab." And really. How could I argue with that?

Nobody else could possibly be that bored

2007-06-08T21:44:00.000+03:00

Obviously, the creator of this was in their 2ww.

(I thought I posted this last week, but just saw it was a draft. Duh. 2ww brain?)

Stand back! She's got hormones!

2007-06-08T20:14:00.000+03:00

The thing that is really getting me about the 2ww, is not the waiting. Waiting is waiting, you find ways to make the time go by. What's killing me is the emotional torture. Am I or am I not?

I had such a fit of gloom-n-doom yesterday, being so sure this cycle isn't going to work (see what games we play? We can't even bring ourselves to say the pg word, even if we sure we're NOT). Does this or that sign mean it worked, or does it mean AF is coming? I can tell myself until I'm blue in the face that I won't know until I know, so stop trying to interpret the signs, but it doesn't matter. I can't stop. This morning I woke up to realize my boobies are no longer big and sore, so I figured "that's it."

But on the bus ride to work, I suddenly got more nauseous than I've ever felt. And I can count the times I have thrown up in my entire life on one hand. I don't barf too often. But that could mean anything, like maybe I shouldn't have had that pastrami sandwich last night. Besides, it's too early for me to be feeling nauseous if this is working. Yesterday I felt crampy twinges. Pre-menstrual or implantation? Last night, on the way home from work, I burst into tears on the bus for no reason. Hormonal? Sure. But it is drugs or nature?

See? Driving myself crazy. I can't stand it. I can't stop thinking about it. And I can't even have a drink to try to forget about it, 'cause there's still that one little tiny chance in hell...

Sticky note: place embryo here

2007-06-07T20:19:00.000+03:00

This is cool.
(warning: pg ment a few times)

I wish I knew the date of this article. They mention "January 17" but is it this year*? Anyhoo, the article is about a team of scientists who are looking into what causes an embryo to implant in the uterus (I'm not googling that stuff. Nu-uh, not me. Got nooooo reason. No reason whatsoever...). It seems to me that if they are able to isolate the cause, and replicate the molecular changes that occur to cause implantation, maybe someday, REs will be able to replicate that process in the human body.

Clinics will be able to dramatically increase the odds of an embryo sticking, which may also have the side benefit of clinics and patients being more comfortable transferring only one embryo. This would reduce the risk of multiples, and it might even mean for most people, a vast reduction in the amount of stims women need to take, because, in theory, you wouldn't need as many eggs.

The researchers found convincing evidence that a molecular sticking process stops the embryo's journey along the uterine wall and starts attaching it to the wall -- the first stage of implantation. Failure of the embryo to implant causes about three-fourths of lost pregnancies.

When you consider the current method, it's like taking a whole bunch of tennis balls and throwing them at a velcro wall off in the distance, and hoping that some of them - any of them - stick. But, if any do stick, ideally it will be only one, but maximum two. Not very scientific. And not very easy on the patients who have made huge bets on the game, but have no control over the players.

What a difference this research could potentially make in the lives of infertiles.

*updated to note the date of the article, thanks to the ~~nerds on the 'net~~ brilliant researchers** who pose as readers! The article was published in Science, 17 January 2003: Vol. 299. no. 5605, pp. 355 - 356.

**NOTE: kids ment here.

Punk

2007-06-07T20:13:00.000+03:00

D'ya ever go back and read some of your previous blog entries just for fun? D'ya alternate between thinking, "what the heck did I write that for?" and "heh. I'm funny."

Well, do ya?

Grace Slick's got nothin' on me

2007-06-06T20:00:00.000+03:00

One week in and man, oh Manischewitz, my boobies ITCH! It's driving me crazy. They also hurt like hell. I remember that from last time - that progesterone just messes with my system.

Speaking of which, anyone ever read the fine print on Prometrium? Y'know, where it says, "Do not (their bold, not mine) use Prometrium if you... are pregnant or suspect you may be pregnant."

Um, what?

Also (and this is not very modest of me, so if you're offended by that, you might want to look away now), my crotch is like a space heater on high. I'm emitting so much heat from that part of my body that I could sweat out a small room. Yeesh. Giving that I'm taking progesterone capsules suspended in peanut oil vaginally, I'm emitting other things, as well, but we don't need to go there. Let's just say panty liners are a girl's best friend. I still don't compare to Persephone's stories, though (I also use something like GladRags, not store-bough disposable thingies).

And I'm worn out. Pooped. Wiped. (huh. Never noticed the relationship between those two words before.) And having majorly bizarre dreams. I usually remember my dreams, and they're frequently quite detailed. But lately, they've been highly detailed, extremely clear and just plain weird. Last night I dreamt that I had a baby - not delivered, a newborn just appeared - and I was worried about nursing, but it just latched right on. Then I didn't feed it for 8 hours, but I didn't seem worried, because I took the baby, put it on the grass, where it turned into a white rabbit and started noshing away on the green stuff. And that's just the highlights.

For those of you who are wondering, the last time I smoked pot was the one time I tried it 25 years ago in high school. And no, I've never dropped acid, either. Who needs that stuff when I've got progesterone!! Woohoo! I should start selling it on the street; I could help pay for so many people's cycles! Although getting people to buy into the "take vaginally" part of it, might limit my market.

Half full AND half empty

2007-06-05T21:06:00.000+03:00

However you look at it, we're halfway! Only one week left to wait (please G-d I should have the whole week to wait). Okay, one week + one day, but c'mon, allow my little victories.

Meanwhile, an aside to my Jewish readers. I received this email about a survey on Negiah and Taharat HaMishpacha. Because I love surveys, and am a little obsessed with T"H, I am posting it here. I've seen it around the 'nets already, and filled it out awhile ago, so it seems they're being very thorough and trying to get as large a sample as possible. Go fill it out, if you so desire.
================================================
Hello,

My name is Mark Guterman. I am a Clinical Psychology PhD student working with Orit Avishai of the University of California at Berkeley. We are doing an internet survey of Jews of all denominations. The survey is for both singles and married couples. The survey is online at: www.JewishSurveys.org

Please help us out. We are not making any money on this; we are simply trying to learn more about our community. Your cooperation in this would be greatly appreciated, and you would be doing a service to the Jewish community at large.

More info on the survey:

The study looks at issues regarding Negiah (premarital touching) and Niddah / Taharat HaMishpachah (family purity). Niddah and Negiah play an important role in the every day lives of Jewish men and women. The collection of handbooks on this topic grows from year to year, yet we know very little about how Jewish couples, men, and women experience and observe Niddah and Negiah. Anecdotal evidence and our previous research have led us to conclude that many couples and individuals are experiencing difficulties with this aspect of the Halachah. We are inviting the Jewish community at large to participate in this important survey to shed light on these difficulties and explore some ways to address them. Given the intimate nature of these matters, this brief, online survey is totally anonymous, and no identifiable information is collected.

Thank you very much for considering this,
~Mark Guterman

NOTE: There are some very un-tnius questions in this survey, so be aware if you are uncomfortable with extremely - um - personal questions. -pg

What's the other 50%?

2007-06-04T03:38:00.000+03:00

You Are 50% Normal

While some of your behavior is quite normal...
Other things you do are downright strange
You've got a little of your freak going on
But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

thanks to Rachel Inbar for helping me kill another few seconds of the 2ww.

Are we there yet? How about now?

2007-05-31T23:50:00.000+03:00

It's dpt 5,834 of my captivity...

Ugh, for the love of sushi, I can't believe it's only been two days. I wasn't this crazy with waiting last time. The emotional rollercoaster seems to be speeded up and it's making me naseous. One minute, I'm (slightly) optimistic that this is all going to work, the next I'm terrified of getting a negative. The next minute, my heart is racing thinking about what if we get a positive and something (G-d forbid!!! ptu ptu ptu) goes wrong? Seriously. Last cycle, I thought I'd be sad if we get a bfn, but this time I think I'll be crushed like peat moss under Sasquash's feet. Up, down, up, down.

Meanwhile, I was tagged last week by Nearlydawn, but I was too caught up in swabbing, stabbing, keeping pressure. Oh, and getting stabbed by every Tom, Dick and Hairy. Er, Harry. Being tagged offered me an opportunity to kill 300 seconds, so here we go, here are 8 arbitrary things about me:

1. I have teeny, tiny toes on my feet. Honestly, they're little mutants.

2. My best friend from when I was 9, with whom I lost touch when she moved away, found me on the internet two years ago. We still haven't seen each other, or talked on the phone, but we email each other like idiots!

3. I have a photographic memory. I memorize things by taking a mental picture, then when I need to remember it, I imagine the picture. Like, a quote from a book, for example. I "take" a picture of the page in the book, and then recall the page and "see" the quote on the page. It's how I remember where things are, too, like keys and stuff. I "see" the keys hanging on the hook. Which is why I go batshit when somebody (ahem!) doesn't put things back in the right spot. My brain shuts down. I don't know how to actually *look* for things.

4. I've had all sorts of weird jobs. I was once a "crowd rallier" for midnite screenings of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I'd get up on the stage and get other people to come up and dance the Time Warp, spin the globe, throw toilet paper, etc.

5. Because I've moved around so much, I don't have a best friend. Other than Hubby, of course.

6. I love rodents. Not roaming freely in my kitchen, mind you, but some of my favourite pets have been my gerbils. I once found a newborn mouse in my house and tried to keep it alive. I don't know what happened to the mother, but I couldn't find her anywhere. I wasn't a good substitute mouse. I was also godmother to a ferret, whom I adored.

7. I think it is so unbelievably cool to be Jewish, and to say prayers that were written over 3000 years ago. To learn the same Torah that my ancestors learned thousands of years ago. To live by - and break ;) - the same commandments. And, thousands of years later, to still be discussing and arguing what certain passages mean. The Torah's not an old, dusty, meaningless book. It's a living work that is forever open to analysis.

8. I have hairs on my chin that embarrass the hell out of me. I pluck 'em, I dipilatate 'em, I bleach 'em - all to no avail. I'm no Rosie O'Donnell

I tag
Lut C
Megan
Rachel Inbar.

I have a hard time keeping track of who is at what stage (I can't seem to take a mental picture of blogs), travelling, running an empire, etc., so no pressure folks.

Whadya know! That killed 483 seconds! ::sigh::

Alphabet soup

2007-05-30T22:22:00.000+03:00

With all the excitement I completely forgot to talk about something.

(this may be TMI for some people)

The empty bowels.

It was stressed to me so many times that in order to reach that left ovary, my bowels had to be empty, and of course, since after an u/s the RE throws all the information at you, then says good luck and good bye, I completely forgot to mention to the RE and nurses that I have IBS. Probably because I forgot, myself. That in itself tells you how focussed I was on my ovaries; my IBS never lets me forget that it's always there, lurking in the background.

So I dutifully ran out to get a laxative (big no-no with IBS). After speaking with the nurse in the afternoon, who repeated the EMPTY bladder admonition, and then told me to eat lots of vegetables and drink prune juice, I was frantic trying to think where I could get prune juice.

Finally, I came to my senses. If I had eaten only veggies, and had prune juice, I'd STILL be in the bathroom, followed by not going to the bathroom until 2008. As it is, the laxatives ensured that I was empty, hollow, wasn't nuthin' left in my gut, because I spent the entire evening before retrieval in the bathroom. And the morning of retrieval. I was a little panicked that I'd have to use the bathroom in the middle of retrieval. Can you imagine? Oy.

Anyway, I was fine during retrieval (thank G-d!), and now I haven't gone since. So now I have super-sized, tender ovaries and I'm on progesterone. And we all know how progesterone gums up the works. ::sigh::

IVF and IBS. They just don't go together.

Making the grade

2007-05-30T01:32:00.000+03:00

Wow, I totally did not feel this bad last time around. I can barely stand upright, and I'm popping back the Tylenol like the M&M's I'm also popping back (nurse's orders. honest!).

So my embies won't make the honour roll, but they'll get into a good college:
Number 1 embie was stage 4, with a grade of B
Number 2 embie was stage 2, with a grade of B+

What? You guys couldn't work a little harder for an A?

Both emblets were hatched. All that's left is the praying. And let me tell you, I'll be praying HARD.

Funny, last cycle, we had 3 eggs retrieved, 2 ICSI'd, and 1 embryo. This time, we had 4 eggs retrieved, 3 ICSI'd, and 2 embryos.

Beta is June 13. Maybe I'm going to have to force myself to learn to knit.

Report: fertilization

2007-05-29T05:00:00.000+03:00

lalalala. Hmmmhmmmmhmmm.

We're having pasta for dinner. We'd have it with peas, but we don't have any peas.

lalalala. hmmmhmmmmhmmmm.

Wonder what's on tv tonight?

lalalala. hmmmhmmmmhmmmm.

What? You were expecting maybe a fertility report?

Oh, okay.

Two little eggies divided! A third might have some action, but we'll see how MB Slow Start fares tomorrow. The fourth egg wasn't mature. Hubby says that comes from his side of the family. Hubby also pointed out that we are 100% improved from last cycle, where we only had one embie.

Transfer is tomorrow at 10:45am.

And I already can't stand the 2ww.

What a funny world

2007-05-28T23:03:00.000+03:00

Still waiting...

While I'm waiting I've been pondering what a strange world Infertiles live in.

- We start off our procedures to get pregnant by taking...birth control pills.

- We have to take STD tests, because even though we've just committed to spending thousands of dollars on fertility treatments, and are basically not allowed to have sex during nearly the whole damn process, and we're INFERTILE, we could still somehow get pregnant because somebody, somewhere, is having unprotected sex.

- After spending two years or whatever avoiding caffeine, raw fish, bad nasty drugs while we were foolishly trying to get pregnant using sex (how silly were we?), we then proceed to spend two weeks injecting ourselves with superhormones and various other things that are bad for a fetus. But hey, at least we can drink.

- We take drugs to keep us from ovulating, then take more drugs to make us ovulate.

- After spending however many years listening to people tell us to "just relax" and biting our tongues to keep from spitting that we could relax until we turn into a friggin' Dali painting, it still ain't gonna get us pregnant, right before retrieval, the nurse tells us to "just relax."

- After retrieval, in the hopes of a fertilized embryo and successful transfer, we start plying ourselves with progesterone, the drug that was used in birth control pills. The drug that encourages the shedding of the uterine lining.

Go figure.

Meanwhile, in a fit of optimism, Hubby said if this cycle is successful (lalalalala, I can't hear you, lalalalalala), he looks forward to the day he can tell this imaginary child, "I didn't get your mother pregnant. But I watched."

Act II: The waiting room

2007-05-27T21:09:00.000+03:00

Thank you!! I appreciate all the support; including the suggestion to punch out that doc. While not something I could bring myself to do, thinking about it made me feel better.

After much poking, pushing, manuevering, 4 eggs were retrieved. The RE who did the retrieval has a bit of a grumpasaurous rep, but he's a nice guy. And he practically cheered at the results. And said we made the right decision to not cancel.

Now I'm home, lying down, letting the effects of the way cool drugs wear off and basically enjoying hubby fussing over me (at his insistence). Watching the end of American Idol (amazingly, I've managed to avoid hearing who won!), Supernatural, listening to my new Martin Sexton CD, playing on the 'pooter, reading.

Oh yeah, and davenning my butt off that those 4 little puppies fertilize. And then settle nicely in my waiting empty uterus. And then not want to leave for nine months.

Phone call tomorrow, if any of these buggers fertilize, transer is likely on Tuesday.

Here's the facts, Jack

2007-05-25T22:19:00.000+03:00

The RE who did my u/s yesterday started off by announcing numbers that were smaller than the day before. I said, "they're smaller than yesterday?"

He says, "they're not growing. That's the problem."

Turns out, he was looking at the wrong ovary.

::sigh::

Yesterday, the buggers went from 14.5 and 15 in the right ovary to 18-ish. The left ovary is, once again, playing hide and seek. Actually, it's stuck to the top of my uterus. Thank you, vestiges of endometriosis. I guess it's better than before my endo surgery many years ago. The doctor got in there and couldn't find my left ovary, because it was all twisted up in my intestine. Might explain all that pain I had been feeling during ovulation.

So I got the speech again. "Four follicles, can't guarantee we'll be able to get to the left ovary waaay up there, good possibility of no eggs, blah blah." Just for fun, he threw in "donor eggs," too.

Again, we decided to go for it. Why? Got me.

No, actually, it's because I've been jabbing the hell out of myself for two weeks. I'm miserable, uncomfortable (how the hell do you women who get LOTS of follies deal with the discomfort?!) and tired of stabbing myself. We've already paid for the meds, and yes, we'd save an awful lot of money if we cancelled, but the follies are there. What if there ARE eggs there? It's not like we can do a different protocol; I'm already on the most aggressive one. So, what the heck, let's go for it.

Today's u/s was just weird. Today's RE starts totally downplaying any possibility of reaching the left ovary. I have to face the fact that we're pretty much working with two follies. And at that size (20 & 22, left were somewhere in the 17 or 18 range*), there's a good chance there are no eggs.

Um, what? Because my follicles are TOO BIG, there's a chance there are no eggs? A) how is 20 & 22 too big, and B) knowing I was going ahead with this cycle, why did you let the two most likely follies get "too big"?

I left there with orders to take laxatives and keep my bowel empty. Empty. EMPTY! to improve the chances of reaching the LO. And with the very distinct impression that I was pissing her off by going ahead with this cycle. On the other hand, the nurses and staff were all hugely supportive, wishing me good luck and telling me to stay positive.

So, the good news is, I get a Jewish reprieve - no retrieval on Saturday! I trigger sometime tonight, and retrieval will be on Sunday. That is, assuming there's anything to retrieve. Wish us luck.

*Oh, and 3 follies under 12mm suddenly popped up today in the RO, so maybe a miracle will happen and they'll be big enough on Sunday. It could happen.

I'm not from around here

2007-05-25T21:56:00.000+03:00

Heh, in answer to Miriam's question, I'm not happy unless I'm miserable. ;)

Why do we live so far away from everything? Because we moved here before we were Shabbat observant. And then we got a dog. And now it's hard to find something we can afford that will allow us to have Fido that's in the neighbourhood near the shul.

Normally, it's not a big deal. If I have to go to the mikvah on Shabbat or a Yom Tov, we find someone to stay with or walk one way and bus it the other (before or after Shabbat or the Chag, of course, not during). This time, though - I just can't walk it now with the wet bag of seedless grapes. And, being a two-day holiday means finding someone to take poochie for 2 days, being someone's houseguest for 2 days, finding meals for 2 days. Too much of an imposition for me.

Anyway.

The prepaid taxi arrived right on time. There were other people getting on the elevator the same time as us, and getting off on our floor. The wonderful staff jumped all over each other offering to write my name on the ultrasound board, and afterwards, call a cab for us. The only near-glitch was going home, after explaining about having prepaid, and the driver calling in to confirm this (and I heard him get the confirmation), he still handed me a credit card slip and asked me to sign it, "just in case." He was cool, when I explained why it was prepaid in the first place, and that I couldn't sign anything. The driver and I had a lovely chat about faith and religion on the way home.

Of course, the driver decided to take the route that took us right past my shul. It was kind of funny when I ducked down so I wouldn't get recognized by anyone walking into the shul! There's an issue with giving the wrong impression - like wearing a kippa while you're in eating in a non-kosher restaurant (some Jews who keep kosher will eat in non-kosher, strictly vegetarian restaurants. Others will eat only vegetarian in any restaurant.) You could give an unsuspecting Jew the impression that the restaurant is kosher. So seeing me in a taxi could give someone the impression that it's okay to take a cab on a holiday. Or, it could lead someone to speak Lashon HaRa about me. Or I just didn't want anyone to see the ugly shmatta I was wearing that day.

Enough of this jabbering. Onto the good stuff...

Oh, yeah, one other thing

2007-05-22T21:51:00.001+03:00

I forgot about this one: So, as if having an u/s on Shavuot, and looking at the very real possibility of retrieval on Shabbat wasn't enough, my mikvah night is Wednesday.

I can't do it. I know you're not supposed to delay the mikvah, but I just can't make all those arrangements to manage to be at the mikvah (also an hours' + walk from my home), so I'm going Thursday. Hubby actually suggested I wait until Thursday before I said a word, bless his heart. I can't believe I'm voluntarily giving up a day of hugs and hand-holding (nookie? Forget nookie. Who can have nookie while lugging around a belly full of wet [seedless] grapes?), but I just cannot do it.

Of course, being after a chag, I can't go to the mikvah until nearly 11pm. And of course, my RE is talking about me triggering Thursday night. And of course, triggering is pretty precise. And you JUST know, I'm going to wind up having to trigger at the mikvah.

Should I have anything to trigger, that is.

*Apologies if this post leaves you scratching your head, wondering what the heck I'm talking about. I'm happy to answer anybody's questions and explain anything - feel free to ask.

Seedless grapes

2007-05-22T21:34:00.000+03:00

So I had my date with dildocam and he didn't even buy me dinner. And his conversation was most unpleasant. I give him my time and my energy, and all he could bring to the table was 4 measly follies.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen (are there any gents out there?)! Four.

What am I now - CD11? I don't have my numbers yet for today, but Ms. Right Ovary displayed 2 follies, 15 and 14.5 (I'm assuming mm). Madame Left Ovary revealed 2 at about 12 each.

Not exactly Zigfield worthy.

We were given the option to cancel (option??), but if we choose not to, I have to have another u/s on Thursday. Yes, on the holiday. Given the size of RO follies, there's a very good possibility, if we don't cancel, that we'll trigger Thursday night. Which means retrieval is on... you guessed it: Shabbat!

oy vey ist mier

Hubby and I decided not to cancel. Last cycle, at this time, we had 5 follies, got 4 eggs, 3 were good and were ICSI'd, 1 fertilized and was transferred. We're one follie shorter this time, but there are still two days, so who knows? I'm not optimistic, but I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet.

I am, however, ready to throw a brick at the RE, who, for some unfathomable reason, kept pointing to the big red letters on my chart: MESA, and repeating, "there's no other way for you to get pregnant."

F*CK ME. You don't think I know that?! How is that supposed to help me decide whether or not to cancel? Damn.

On a positive note, the tech was able to get blood out of an elbowpit vein, and I only got a little bruised.

Chag Sameach to those who celebrate, and well, happy Wednesday and Thursday to those who don't. See ya Friday.

The pen is mightier than the sharpie

2007-05-21T23:25:00.001+03:00

Regarding the Gonal f pen: it's awkward and cumbersome, and not reassuring. I never feel secure that I'm getting the right dose, since I don't have control of how much goes into my tummy.

However, I love how little waste is created with the pen. Rather than disposing an entire syringe each time, all I'm throwing out is a little teeny needle tip. The environmentalist side of me really appreciates that. So much so, that I'm putting up with the awkwardness and lack of confidence, and am continuing with the pen.

Double or nothing

2007-05-21T23:25:00.000+03:00

Well, since the clinic gave me the wrong meds - not the wrong meds, actually, the wrong way to administer the meds - I called them. I do the regular needle injection of Gonal f, and they gave me the pen. I've never used the pen, so, facing a long weekend, I panicked about having to start the pen on Shabbat, when I wouldn't be able to call the clinic.

Got a hold of a nurse, who explained how to use the pen. Then I figured, while I had her on the phone, anyway, I'd ask about the numbers. My results for CD7 were 439. While that's not great, it's nearly double what my CD8 numbers were last cycle, 262.

Updated to add: I went for another blood test this morning (CD10). The results were, as to be expected, low. 1005. IVF Connections has a good chart showing the comparisons. I forgot to ask about CD10 numbers from last cycle. My RE wants me to come in tomorrow for an ultrasound, so we'll have a better picture then.

Yay. Finally, I warrant a date with the dildocam. Gosh, I'm so lucky. Dildocam's so dreeeeamy.

Meanwhile, we're still dealing with how to manage an ultrasound/bloodtest during Shavuot when we live so far away from the clinic (to walk, not drive). I can barely walk to the car with the wet bag of grapes I'm carrying in my belly. Now that we don't even know for sure if we'll have to have a U/S on Shavuot - it might be Friday - we're going back and forth with our posek (halachic expert) in NY. Thursday would be better than Wednesday, because Wednesday is the Torah holiday, Thursday is the rabbinic holiday, so there's more room for leniency. Of course, Friday would be best; it's not a holiday at all.

Please let all these headaches be worth it.

Never let a man do a woman's job

2007-05-19T00:06:00.001+03:00

I had to have the clinic call Hubby because I wasn't sure I'd be in my office when they called.

Hubby finally decides to tell me they called, and this is what he says:
"They said keep doing what you're doing for Sat and Sun, and come in for a blood test 8am Monday."

Um, what? What were the numbers? Was it low? Okay? Low-ish, but they're holding out until Monday? WHAT???

After having our first cycle nearly cancelled because of my low response, I can't believe he didn't think to ask.

He didn't even ask about an ultrasound. I have nothing.

Of course, he is calling them back. You didn't think I'd let him get away with that, did you?

Little prick #2

2007-05-18T19:24:00.000+03:00

Oh, jeez, holy swollen toad, mother pluck me, ow ow ow ow.

I had a blood draw this morning for my E2*. We all know how cooperative my veins are, so after trying my elbowpit after I said don't bother, the tech went for the back of my hand. After wiggling that sucker around for a little bit (OW!), she caught the vein.

Now, first of all, why do they tell you to put pressure on the insertion point after they withdraw the needle, and THEN tell you to go pay for your drugs, come back with the receipt, blah blah. How are you supposed to hold on to one hand with the other, pick up all your bags, take the scrip, open your bag, take out your chequebook, write a cheque, take the receipt, get your bags, go back to the nurse, hand her the receipt, take the bag with your meds, and put your coat on, all the while holding on to one hand with the other???

Argh. In the time it took for me to take the scrip and pick up my bag and walk the few feet to the bookkeeper's desk, my hand ballooned up and turned purple. I've never had that happen before. Fun.

Meanwhile, this morning, I finally started feeling weird in my gut. Now, I have IBS, so it could just be that. But this feels different. And not like last cycle, either. I don't have the heaviness in my belly, it's more a sense of something inside being puffed up or swollen.

Or maybe it's just an after-effect of the too-many Bloody Marys I had Wednesday night. I'm too old to handle hangovers.

I hope my blood draw being a day early doesn't mess with the results too much. The lab person made a point of reminding the techs a few times that my test is early. Hopefully, I'll get a chance to blog my E2 results before Shabbat. Otherwise y'all will just have to wait til Sunday. Which would really suck if they're low again, because, since I wasn't blogging yet last cycle, having support this time around would be nice.

*Bea - I was too lazy to go your blog and hunt around for the link, so I Google'd "bea infertility acronyms." Your acronyms post was the first link on the page. You superstar.

Little prick

2007-05-18T07:21:00.000+03:00

Diary of a stabber

Day 1 am: No problem! Injection went smoothly, needle slid in like buttah. What's everyone whining about?

Day 1 pm: Bit of sting. But, no problem!

Day 2 am: owee.

Day 2 pm: owwwwweee.

Day 3 am: What the hell? I've only had 4 injections, whaddya mean, there's no place left to stab?! ::sigh::
Gonal in the left of me,
Lupron in the right.
Here I am,
sticking my middle again.

Ow ow ow ow ow. That Gonal F really hurt going in.

Really looking forward to Day 3 pm.

Weirdly, after all the excitement and anticipation, starting injections has been a real non-event. It's like popping vitamins. I don't feel like I'm on anything. I don't feel different - no mood swings (!), no collapsing into tears over stupid things, no screaming bloody murder because the washcloth wasn't hung on the hook properly.

Last cycle, I remember my gut feeling heavy. Which was why my low E2 numbers were such a shock to me. I felt like I was carrying little bags of nectarine in my belly, but the numbers said I was just carrying a raisin or two.

Maybe this bodes well? Dare I even think that? Nah. I learned last time not to believe in bodes.

Don't sit on the toilet seat, either

2007-05-17T01:08:00.000+03:00

Hubby and I have to take HIV/heptatitus tests*. When Hubby asked one of the nurses why, she said it's because, since we're presumably having unprotected sex, I could get pregnant.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

What does an SA of 0/0 mean to you?

*And why do we have to take these tests just because we might get - oh, jeez, I can't even say it -? Other people who don't go to fertility clinics who try to get pg don't have to have these tests. Argh.

And a good time was had by all

2007-05-15T18:58:00.000+03:00

Miriam raised an interesting question in the comments of this post: Is it okay to say B'sha'ah tova (lit: in good time) to someone starting a cycle?

It's an expression typically used to convey congratulations when you find out someone is pg. Rather than saying mazal tov (good luck), which for superstitious folks, is like inviting the "evil eye." Also, there's no "luck" involved in getting pg (::snort::), because ultimately G-d (and the RE) creates life.

Anyway.

Every time I discuss our struggles with infertility with someone, they say b'hatzlacha (success). I'm thinking I like b'sha'ah tova better. What happens if we don't have success? Is the opposite of success failure? If we don't succeed at a cycle, does that mean we failed? The cycle failed? The embryo failed? The clinic failed? The mind boggles.

I appreciate the sentiment being conveyed with b'hatzlacha, but I think I'd rather hear b'sha'ah tova. In a good time. If this works, it will be a good time.

Of course, what I'd really like to hear the most is "you have a BFP." But I'll take whatever you're offering, and thank you kindly.

How was your weekend Part II

2007-05-14T03:25:00.000+03:00

I got a new laptop today! Yay! I'm not using it at the moment, however, because Hubby is playing with it. My computer died a horrible death (What's that? Did I have a backup of my files? Um, no. What's that? Yes, I am an idiot, thank you for noticing.) and I've been suffering with Hubby's "I refuse to produce the 's' you keep trying to type" laptop, so this makes me very happy.

So, as you might have gathered, I started injections this morning! Woo! Ah, it was like riding a bicycle. Pull the needle full of air, blow it into the Lupron bottle, suck back the Lupron, jam it in my gut. Good times.

So the long story of Friday was, I got my period - more than spotting, but not quite full-on flow. I called the clinic, left a message. They called back, but apparently, we had somehow turned the ringer off on the phone. So by the time I got the message, which didn't address anything, it was too late to call the clinic back.

Hubby used some magic power of his to get through to one of the secretaries, who called him back, who then ran and got a nurse for us to talk to, after Hubby explained the whole not being able to call on Shabbat thing. Kids, don't try this at home. I got all the relevant info from the nurse, was full-on flowing on Shabbat, so I started shooting up this am. Called the clinic to let them know and got Nurse Waytoochirpy. Couldn't stand her last cycle around, can't take her this time, either. She's way too effusive and uses ridiculously flowery language. I'm a plain, simple gal. If I ask you if I need to do a blood test in the morning and the time doesn't matter, just say, "whatever time is convenient" rather than "whatever suits your lifestyle." Not having a blood test at all suits my lifetsyle, ya twit. I'll save the story about how she told me about my BFN for another time.

And no, the irony of starting my injections today of all days is not lost on me.

And how was your weekend?

2007-05-14T03:13:00.000+03:00

Firstly, I think I need to clarify something. I'm afraid my nonsensical ramblings the other day led to some misconceptions (ha! Seriously. There's no pun there.). Infertility is not an exception to Halacha (Jewish law). There are some laws that can be broken, under the right circumstances (said circumstances to be identified by a rabbi when they occur), in the right environment, for the right reasons (said reasons to be identified by a rabbi). I can't decide that I can ride an elevator on Shabbat. A rabbi can decide that I can ride an elevator on Shabbat IF that is the only way I can get to the medical office, IF I absolutely have to go on Shabbat.

Case in point: I need to go for bloodwork 7 days after starting injections, which means Shabbat. The rabbi wants to know if it is absolutely necessary to have this bloodwork on Shabbat, or can the doctor get the relevant information if I have the blood drawn one day earlier or later. RE says one day earlier is not ideal, but acceptable. Rabbi says no bloodwork (which entails using an elevator, in addition to all sorts of other issues) on Shabbat. Had the doctor said it absolutely must be done that day, Rabbi would have helped me figure out the least-Shabbat breaking way of doing this.

I hope this clears stuff up. And sorry for being obtuse and ramble-y. What prompted that all-over-the-place post was I knew I'd get my period on Shabbat, meaning I'd have to break Shabbat to call the clinic, but it was too late to call my rabbi to find out if that was acceptable. Since I started spotting on Friday, I called the clinic on Friday, explained about the whole Shabbat thing, and was told if I was "full flow" on Saturday, to go ahead and start injections on Sunday.

That's the short story, anyway. Long version to follow.

Sometimes it's okay to break the law

2007-05-11T19:19:00.000+03:00

Dear G-d:
What we have here is a failure to communicate. I tell you what I would prefer, and you ignore me. I have a husband for that, why you gotta throw down in the ring, too? I'm willing to go along with all your rules, just - please make things easy for me. Is that so much to ask?
love,
projgen

Still no go Flo. With my luck, I'll get my period tomorrow. That would be a pain, because this is where that being an observant Jew and doing IVF start to clash.

Shabbat poses certain difficulties for a variety of reasons. There are a variety of rules about what an observant Jew can and cannot do on Shabbat, such as turn on electrical items. We can use electricity, we just can't turn it on or off, therefore most OJ's use timers for lights. Shabbat is supposed to be pleasant, and sitting in the dark all day is not pleasant.

My rabbi, my posek, has agreed that IVF is a treatment for a medical problem. This is pretty much accepted by most rabbis. Therefore, because I have a medical condition, I can receive treatment on Shabbat. BUT, ideally, one should take care to avoid breaking Shabbat as much as possible. It is acceptable to take a taxi, if the procedure dictates (ie, after retrieval, when you really shouldn't be walking much), but if you can walk without harm, you should.

So. Let's look at what happens if I need to contact or be at my clinic, on Shabbat. On Saturdays,

- my clinic doesn't answer the phone. You have to leave a message. This means using the phone, which is a no-no on Shabbat.

Even worse, I call, leave a message, they call me back. Now I have to answer the phone. What if it isn't the clinic? Do I hang up on the person calling? Do I talk to them? Last time, we asked them to call our cellphone, so we could see it was them. They called home anyway. Since I was waiting to hear if I should be at the clinic for transfer at 9am the next morning, I answered the damn phone. But it's okay. For this medical procedure, my rabbi says it's okay.

- my clinic is elevator access only. Using an elevator is not allowed on Shabbat (with the exception of special "Shabbat lifts" that automatically stop on every floor, so the person riding the elevator doesn't have to push any buttons).

My clinic doesn't have a Shabbat elevator. Someone will happily meet me downstairs and push buttons for me. If I call and let them know I am coming. So which is worse - calling the clinic, or pushing the buttons on the elevator myself?

- causing yourself to bleed is not allowed on Shabbat. Accidently doesn't count.

My last few days of injections last cycle caused my poor, over-poked belly to bleed a little every time. And now, I've got twice as many injections each day.

Well, maybe I won't get it tomorrow. Maybe my period will wait til Sunday, and all of this rambling worrying will be for naught.

For more on Shabbat and infertility and picking rabbis, I have a post from last year, and Robber Barren had a post last year, that included a really great description of the issues in the comments.

No go Flo*

2007-05-10T22:02:00.000+03:00

*Not to be confused with this.

Still waiting. *sigh*

Why is it when you want your period to start, it doesn't, and when you don't want to see hide nor hair of it, WHOOP! There it is.

/thumbs twiddle twiddle twiddle

I wish I could knit. Maybe that would help pass the time.

Stim diet

2007-05-08T19:35:00.000+03:00

Those needles are mocking me.

Here's my protocol, because I know you all are waiting with bated breath, gnawing your nails to the quick, unable to accomplish anything else until I tell you. I'll let you get back to your real lives now:

- No BCPs. I didn't even have to argue with the doctor; it never came up after our initial conversation. Maybe because the study is no BCPs, my RE wants to keep this cycle similar? Hm.
- No folic acid, instead I'm taking a vitamin called PregVit. More on that later.
- No date with the dildocam yet.
- Pay the clinic in full.
- Microdose Lupron flare - .2ml twice daily, starting CD2.
- Gonal F - the good ol' 225iu twice daily, starting CD4.

Why yes, that is 4 injections a day, thanks for noticing! Kind of ironic for someone who hates needles as much as I do. I was so proud of being able to do my own injections when it was one poke, twice a day. Can I handle two at a time? Aich.

Ah, PregVit. (warning: be careful when clicking that link; there's bb's and happy mums and such.) PregVit has. the. worst. packaging for infertiles. The pills are pink and blue, there are pink and blue teddy bears all over the package, and yes, there is the pink happy baby with the happy mommy. Is very hard to look at morning and night (you take two pills a day). They are identified as being for prenatal and during pregnancy. Which just makes me guffaw. I do my best to ignore it all - and the fact that the packaging also looks like BCPs which is even more ironic - because my clinic thinks this is great stuff, and much better than just taking folic acid. Maybe I can draw mustaches and devil horns on all the faces... Take that! you teddy bears!

So, depending on when my no-longer-predictable period starts, first dose of Lupron should be before the weekend!

Anyone else do/doing Lupron? I was on Gonal F and Repronex last time around. Any comments, thoughts, suggestions, reflections, etc.?

Some people decorate with candles*

2007-05-08T02:44:00.000+03:00

Here's what's on mine at the moment:

Note 1: I had this whole neat image thing I was going to do, but my computer is dead in the water, and I don't know how to use the image program on my work computer yet. Feh. Was related to Hubby's comment that we had "Cup O'Needles - to nurture your inner crack whore." Funny Hubby.

Note 2: Those are alcohol pads to the left of the q-tips. And the q-tips should be cotton balls. But you get the idea.

Note 3: There were no monster-size needles accidently included in this batch! Yay!

Note 4: I'll try to remember to post my protocol tomorrow.

*Updated: I changed the title of this post, because the old title sounded a little too "neener, neener, neener" to me, which OF COURSE! is not at all what I meant. I hope nobody took it that way.

Preaching to the choir

2007-05-04T20:45:00.000+03:00

"Women will have babies - if they can."

Damn straight. There was an article on Canada.com the other day about a study of the costs of reproductive technology, and the relationship between ART being covered and birth rate.

The study, New Scientist magazine reports, theorizes it's because Denmark has a high proportion of babies born through artificial reproductive technologies (ART), including in vitro fertilization (IVF) - 4.2 per cent of births in 2002 compared to 1.4 per cent in Britain that year and 1.2 per cent in the U.S. in 2004..."In Denmark, IVF is widely accepted, heavily subsidized and waiting times are short."

So, in other words, if a country subsidizes the costs of IVF, more women will pursue these technologies, and more babies will be born, resulting in a higher birth rate, which ultimately means more taxpayers for the government coffers.

In short, why is it easier - and more politically correct - to import babies, than to produce them?

There are quite a few interesting theories in the article, including a discussion of general public reaction (read: discrimination) to infertiles and medical coverage of IUI, IVF, etc. I must admit, many many years ago, when we were first hearing stories of women having 6 babies and finding out they were on fertility drugs, my reaction was, "why should I have to pay for these women? If they need drugs to have kids, they shouldn't have kids."

Yeah, I know. Slap me with a dead fish. I've learned. I've grown. Even before I faced fertility issues myself, I understood better and changed my attitude. But having had that attitude, I can understand that reaction from others. But how to change it? How do we get people behind this issue, and get them to change? And, more importantly, get them to write and call their representatives to get IVF covered here in Canada.

Read the whole article here.

What's up, Doc

2007-05-03T19:09:00.000+03:00

I hate doctors.*

I have a long history of chronic annoyances that can't be cured, and can't really even be treated; I just have to live with them. Whatever. But this has been going on for 25 years. After a quarter of a century, I know my stuff. I know all the technical terms for what ails me. I know the body parts, I know how things work, I even know what my test results should be.

Every time I have to switch doctors, and I explain my history, I get treated to the most patronizing comments. Even after I give all the details, using all the proper terminology, I still get treated like I'm a 5-year old moron.

Yesterday, I'm at my new doctor's office for the pap smear, and after I pointed out that I've been having paps done for 20 years, she proceeded to tell me that the scary silver thing was a speculum, there was going to be "pressure," she was going to have to scrape my cervix, etc.

*sigh*

Now, I don't want her to just jam the thing in there without letting me know, I just think there has to be some happy medium between not saying a word, and treating the patient like an idiot.

Aside from the fact that the waiting room (which was filled with 9/10 elderly people), only has Family, Your Toddler and You, Parenting Today, Baby, and every other kind of "you ain't got this" magazine, and every exam room has the same cute picture of a robust baby in a pink fluffy thing, Doctor New really impressed me when she asked if my fertility clinic had checked my ovarian reserve. Um, what the- ? AND she assumed that I was the cause of our infertility, and started talking about PCOS and other ovarian issues. I shut her up with one word: Vasectomy.

Then, hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, she asked if I'd ever had an ultrasound.

Oh. my. gosh.

I had to bite my tongue to keep from telling her how I did it with the dildocam many many times. Oh, yeah. And I'm gonna do it again. And you can't stop me.
*sigh*²

I don't expect family doctors to know the details about what goes on in a fertility clinic, but c'mon. At least know the basics. And at least take my blood pressure, when you know I have a family history of hypertension, dammit.**

*Make that some doctors. I have had some amazing doctors in my experience, one in particular who went out of his way for me on numerous occasions. Like when we thought I had endometriosis, and I went to, I think, 6 different gynecologists who all insisted I had a bladder infection and tried to give me antibiotics, even though my white cell count was absolutely normal and I presented no symptoms of bladder infection. My doc kept searching for a gyn, found one, I went, he advised surgery. After the surgery, the gyn said he wished he had taped the procedure; it was so complicated, I would have made a great teaching case study. I loved that doc. I'm sure, though, that with HMOs, he no longer has the time, nor can he afford, to spend that much time on each patient these days.

MSP, BC's healthcare, does not cover physical exams. Basic stuff just ain't done anymore. Apparently, they've never heard of "preventative care" here.

You can't win if you don't buy a ticket

2007-05-02T18:50:00.000+03:00

Well, here's a place I honestly never expected to see myself on. Yay Cyclesista! What an awesome idea, and kudos to Meg, Beth, Bea, Jenny and Lut who maintain the site.

In other news, here's where I wish I had more readers, because I think this important. When you visit your clinic, ask to meet with the financial person at the clinic. Ask them if they give any kind of discount. Hubby just recently discovered, in a conversation with one of the RE's who is part owner of our clinic, that they will, at their discretion, give discounts to patients who show a need. The clinic doesn't advertise that fact, and they don't volunteer that information to patients, but when Hubby was mentioning our frustration at having had to wait because we just couldn't afford another cycle, and then brought up our problems with not finding work, etc., our RE told us to speak with the financial advisor.

Based on our 2006 taxes, the clinic has given us a bit of a discount. Because of that discount, we can now afford to do a fourth cycle, if we need to. Hubby was told we would have qualified for a bigger discount based on our 2005 taxes. Now, lest you think to yourself, "why didn't they say anything?" we did. Sorta. We said it was too expensive to do another cycle. We said we didn't have the money. How many times do clinics hear that every day? But we never fully explained our situation, and WE NEVER ASKED FOR A DISCOUNT.

Ask for one. Explain your finances, and then ask for a discount. What's the worst that will happen? The clinic says no? So what? They might just say yes.

Random ramblings

2007-05-01T19:25:00.000+03:00

Some random things that are buzzing around in my head right now:

Why do some people arrive at a bus stop, somehow not see the 30 people already there standing around waiting for the bus, and just stroll right to the front of the group (nobody queues here. They just sort of form a wriggling mass that somehow funnels onto the bus.) so they get on the very full bus, and the person who had been waiting politely for 15 minutes doesn't make it on?

Why do people not know/understand how to queue?

Why are some people so unbelievably rude, and other so incredibly nice and gracious?

Why does my left shoe squeak in the rain?

I still watch that otter video and go, "awww."

What the heck is going on on Heroes, and how did Sylar get to be president?

I don't think they should count last week's votes for American Idol. I'm guessing there were some people who just called so AI would get that big donation, and maybe they weren't so careful about which number they called. Speaking of which, I stayed up way too late last motzei Shabbat and watched SNL until Carrie Underwood was on. Awful outfit, but she was amazing.

My Hebrew is getting so much better, but I don't have any one to practice with during the week. Hubby wants to learn more before he'll try conversing, although I am getting him to at least say short phrases like, "ani rotzeh l'echol" (I want to eat). Hopefully, he'll be more comfortable trying it soon.

There's something I do every week that's my own special thing. I was feeling like I couldn't trust my instinct about whether or not I like something, and this helped me realize that I'm not mistrusting my gut, I just haven't had anything to feel really good about, or get excited about in a long time. I also teach a class once a week, and I thought was something I really wanted, but I haven't been enjoying it at all, so I kept thinking, maybe I'll enjoy it after I've been doing it a little while and it got easier. Nope. I was so sure it would be something I would enjoy, I had myself convinced I was really enjoying it, I was just tired. Or not feeling well. Or not well enough prepared. No, it just turns out I honestly don't enjoy it. And I learned that from doing this other, special thing that I just love and enjoy so much.

I had to have another blood test yesterday, this time for my glucose. The tech person bitched at me because I thought "no food or drink" meant no water, as well. I know water makes no difference with my veins - you can't find 'em whether I'm hydrated or not, but I had a heck of a time convincing her of that. Ah well, she finally went in the back of my hand (ouch) and got what she was looking for. So looking forward to my next blood tests. *sigh*

When does Jonathan Kellerman's latest book (Obsession) come out in paperback. I keep checking at all the stores, every day.

(Ha. Get it?)

All this is to keep me from thinking about the fact that I need to go pick up my drugs, and I start, Gd willing, in less than two weeks.

eep

Reproductive technology conference in British Columbia, Canada

2007-04-30T22:08:00.000+03:00

Courtesy of the Infertility Network:

NOBODY'S CHILD, EVERYBODY'S CHILDREN
An International Conference on New Reproductive & Genetic Technologies (NRGTs)
Malaspina University-College, Nanaimo, British Columbia, Canada.
May 24-26, 2007
Info/Register: http://www.mala.ca/nrgt

Conference Themes
* NRGTs and the Rights of Children & Families
* Global Issues in NRGTs
* NRGTs & the Arts
* Feminist Perspectives on NRGTs
* Current Medical Perspectives on NRGTs
* NRGTs & the Practical Philosopher
* NRGTs & the Law

Speakers and delegates from all over the world are gathering to critically consider legal, legislative and medical issues related to the development and implementation of new reproductive and genetic technologies. This conference is attracting the attention of academics, researchers, scientists, physicians, counselors, policy makers/analysts, activists, lawyers, philosophers, ethicists, students, individuals with lived experience and adult children conceived by NRGTs.

Speakers (from Canada, USA, UK, New Zealand, Netherlands & Israel) include:

Dr. Elinor Wilson (President) & Dr. John Hamm (Chairperson), Assisted Human Reproduction Canada (AHRC)

Maureen McTeer, Faculty of Common Law, University of Ottawa; lawyer specializing in law, science & public policy; author; member of the Royal Commission on NRGTs

Louise Vandelac, PhD, Professor, Dept of Sociology & Institute of Environmental Sciences, University of Quebec (Montreal)

Eric Blyth, Professor of Social Work, University of Huddersfield, UK; researcher, author & policy consultant to governments, professional & patient organizations on the psychosocial aspects of donor conception

Dr. Jeff Nisker, Schulich School of Medicine, University of Western Ontario; former co-chair, Health Canada Advisory Committee on NRGTs

Mikki Morrissette, author, 'Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman's Guide'; editor, 'Behind Closed Doors: Moving Beyond Secrecy & Shame' [in donor conception]

Marcy Darnovsky, PhD, Center for Genetics & Society, Oakland, CA

Elizabeth Marquardt, PhD, Institute of American Values; author, 'The Revolution in Parenthood: The Emerging global clash between Adult Rights & Children¹s Needs'

Juliet Guichon, PhD, Office of Medical Bioethics, University of Calgary; researcher on surrogacy for the Canadian Royal Commission on New Reproductive Technologies

Donor offspring, parents & former donors

The program includes the following film & theatre productions:
* 'A Child on Her Mind', a play by Jeffrey Nisker & Vangie Bergum, Canada
* 'All in One Basket', a film about egg donation by Lauren Berliner, USA
* 'Playing Up Citizen Involvement: An Experiential Workshop in the use of
Theatre for Policy Development'

The Infertility Network can be contacted at the following:
Info@InfertilityNetwork.org
www.infertilitynetwork.org
416-691-3611
160 Pickering Street
Toronto ON M4E 3J7
Canada

It's a done deal

2007-04-26T22:23:00.000+03:00

Well, as done as it can be at this stage, but I have committed to starting next cycle. So, in two-ish weeks, I should be stabbing myself with wicked glee (evil cackle not included).

I spoke to the nurse in charge of the study, and she said it's just fine to do one cycle, and then do the study for our next cycle (thinking ever positively) if we qualify.

I'm going for the Pap smear tomorrow anyway; that should guarantee that the study nurse has the results in plenty of time for a second cycle. It's good incentive, I haven't had one in a few years. Hey, don't blame me, blame Canada's medical system. Or British Columbia's anyway. Your family doctor is the one who does the smear, not a gynecologist. You don't get a gyn (or "Gank," as my sister says) here unless you need one as a specialist.

Anyway, now I wait for my 'package' to arrive with further instructions. While we wait, and because I'm feeling like a big suck today, I offer this unbelievably cutesy-poo video for your viewing pleasure. Watch it to the end, or you'll miss the best part. And then watch it again, because it's so gosh darn cute.

Says the Cheshire Cat

2007-04-19T20:16:00.000+03:00

Curioser and curioser. Hmm, there seems to be a general concensus here to wait. I'm curious as to what everyone's reasoning is - are you advocating waiting simply because of the cost benefit?

I should point out,
a) the cost savings is only about $1,000. That's a lot of money, but really a drop in the bucket of the whole, overall costs of all this IVF stuff.
b) We're not guaranteed to be accepted into the study. The appointment to see the nurse after she gets my Pap results, is the qualifying screening. It's quite possible we could wait until June (more likely July), and not qualify for the study. Which means we will have lost 2 (more likely 3) months.

If you had reasons other than saving money, what were they? Share with me, please? Are we doing the right thing? Ack!

Ah, life was so much easier when my biggest dilemma was whether to do my Calculus homework, or go to the bars with my roommate on $2 Melonball Night.

Full steam ahead

2007-04-18T20:42:00.000+03:00

Oh, c'mon, you guys. What's with the advice? I know I said I wanted opinions, but you should know by now what I really want is for you to tell me what to do!

Worthless. The whole lot of you. ;)

So, actually, the money isn't so much of an issue now. We have access to the extra $1000 or so it would cost to not do the study, and it wouldn't be very painful to get that money, so that consideration, thank Gd, falls low on the pros and cons scale.

And we comforted ourselves a little with talking about Puah, which is an infertility clinic in Israel. I could get in touch with them, and coordinate follow up with them, even though we'd likely have to pay for their services. There's also the side benefit of being surrounded by friends and family in Israel, who would provide comfort and booze if we got a BFN. They'd throw a flippin' party if we got a BFP.

Still. I'm freakin' old. Ancient, in fact. I don't think I want the stress of travelling (and these days, as awful as the airlines all are, I stress about travelling!) while I'm cycling. Not to mention the extra stress of being a year older by that point (technically, I'll just a few months older. Psychologically, the difference between 41 and 42 is huge).

So Hubby and I decided last night/this morning that we're going to start next cycle. If it doesn't work, we'll try to qualify for the study for the cycle after that. And try to time it around the trip. Which, Gd willing, might be the last trip we're able to take in a long time.

We should be that blessed.

Advice from my paps peeps

2007-04-17T19:02:00.000+03:00

I need your wisdom, dear friends in the pooter. Previously, I mentioned the study that Hubby and I might qualify for, yes? Well, there's a wee wrench thrown in the works. I have to have a Pap smear before we can qualify for the study. There's nothing wrong with that, the problem is, in Canada, the medical systems moves slower than the maple syrup everyone loves so much here. Believe it or not, it takes a month for the results to come back. A month, people!

So, that would push the timeline out. A lot. Assuming I could get in to the doctor (not Gynecologist. Oh, no. Family doctors do Pap smears here.) next week - which would be mid-cycle, and exactly when I should be going for a Pap smear - we're looking at mid-May before we get the results. That's best case scenario. "A month" means at least a month here, not "in 4 weeks."

Then, the results have to get from the doctor to the nurse in charge of the study. Then she has to schedule a qualifying meeting with us. Assuming all of this happens in due order, we're looking at starting a cycle mid-June at the earliest. The nurse is going on vacation in early June (I know, I know, but it's the law - they have to give her vacation time.), so if anything is off by the littlest bit, we miss the June start and are looking at mid-July.

If we don't do the study, we can start cycling mid-May. Next month.

The advantage to doing the study? Half our meds are free, giving us a savings of probably $1,000-1,500. There are no BCPs, and the protocol is specifically for older women who have previously exhibited a low-response to stimulants.

If we don't do the study? We pay for all the meds ourselves, RE puts me on a high-dose microflare (did I get that right? I don't have my notes with me, and it's been a while since I attended Google U. on all this stuff.) and I might have to argue a bit about BCPs (I don't want them. But I'll probably win that one.).

So. Start next month and pay for full meds, or start mid-June, possibly mid-July and be in the study. What would you do?

Just to add to the fun, Hubby and I are going to Israel in August. For the whole month. Do I want to be ending my 2WW in another country? Going to Israel having gotten a BFN? Or (maybe worse) going to Israel with a BFP and having to try to continue checking my numbers in a foreign country where I don't know the system? At least if we cycle in May, by the time August rolls around, I'll have had two months to adjust to a BFN, or be (G-d willing) two months into a BFP. But we won't talk about that last one yet.

If you blog it, it will come

2007-04-12T20:54:00.000+03:00

So, apparently, the trick to getting things to, erm, flow, is to just blog about it.

Does this mean if I blog about having a successful cycle, I'll get a not-to-be-blogged-about pink, squirmy, crying thing in say, nine months?

As if.

By the way, in my hysterical rolling on the floor over the irony of my period being late, I forgot to say I hope everyone had a wonderful Pesach/that other holiday! I always find easter awkward, because I can't actually wish anyone a "happy easter" since it is, after all, a day celebrating something I don't believe in. Not to mention, historically, easter has always been a dangerous time for Jews. Some people get weird when they start remembering the crucification, and then someone always has to resurrect (ha!) that old rumour about how the Jews killed Jesus. It was the Romans, people. We stone people, and hurl Yiddish epithets about fuzzy navels and onion heads, we don't string 'em up on slabs of wood. That involves tools and trips to the hardware store.

Funny aside: Hubby and I had a long conversation Saturday night with a non Jew about how Jews don't believe in Jesus, and why. This person was very interested and very respectful, and we had a lovely conversation.

The next morning (easter), she bounces over to us with a joyful, "Happy easter!" and hands us gift bags. It was very sweet, and we thanked her, but tried as gently as possible to explain that we don't observe easter, and can't accept the gifts. I think she's still trying to figure out why we don't "do" easter. It's just bunnies and candy, right? The gift (of food) was a little easier to explain, since we had also discussed Passover and being Kosher and all the food restrictions, etc., etc.

It's sometimes easier dealing with religious people; even though they fear for my soul, or think I'm going to burn in hell, or whatever, they get it. Non-religious folks think, "it's just a tree" or "it's just a bunny and some chocolate, what could be the harm in that?" Which I think is fine; it's nice to have family traditions, and create wonderful memories.

Yeah, which leads us right back to that old infertility thing again. What's the point of family traditions if you don't have anyone to pass them on to. *sigh* It keeps coming back to that, doesn't it?

Wouldn't it be funny if...

2007-04-12T02:42:00.000+03:00

Hey, guess what? I'm like, 4 days late! Ha. Ha.

Don't even go there. Hubby has 0 - count 'em, 0 - swimmers, so ain't no way. Besides, after the mandatory 8,347 cups of wine for Passover seders, and the little extra bottle(s) I treated myself to all week, if I were, y'know, Junior wouldn't have a functioning brain cell left. Seriously.

Nope, it's just my body rubbing my nose in it yet again. Remember that just-barely-below-10 FSH number? Yeah, it's just those "Getting Ready for Menopause Right Before You're Finally Able to Try Another Cycle" blues. Sing it for me, B.B...

Fred's not so dead

2007-03-30T22:07:00.000+03:00

Thanks for all your wonderful, encouraging comments! I suppose now you want an update?

Once again I'm squeaking in under the wire. Once again, I'm wishing I had finished posting about my previous cycle, so you could understand the whole squeaking in under the wire analogy. Low numbers, cancel cycle, don't cancel, no wait, uh oh only 4 follies, too bad only 2 embryos, gosh only 1 fertilized, blah blah blah.

So my FSH is 9.3. Or 9.7, I can't remember know. They like to see under 10. Squeeeeeeaked by that one. Because of my age, my RE doesn't want to wait for me to lose weight. Cool. Because of my age and previous poor response, we may qualify for a study that's being done.* The nurse in charge of the study is going to screen me after Passover, and if I qualify, I'll likely start after my next menstrual cycle.

I'm 2 pounds over the maximum weight for this study, though, so I have to boot off those pounds. And any other pounds I feel like kicking out will always help. Yep. Matzoh will be very helpful for that. /end sarcasm

But if I don't pass the screening for the study, my RE (shall I come up with a name? Sure, how about "Dr. Straightforward"? Dr. SF for short?) will start me on a heavy-duty, kick-those-ovaries-into-high-gear protocol with my next cycle. And no BCPs. I won that argument. Actually, it wasn't an argument. I brought it up, Dr. SF said no BCPs, I said okay. I wish I had more arguments like that.

Dr. SF exhibited a distinct lack of enthusiastism for the success of a cycle, however, there was a glimmer of hopefulness. In other words, we weren't dissuaded from trying. And Dr. SF knows our situation, and has been in contact with us over the past two years, so I don't think it's a case of "taking our money anyway."

Oh, and I did ask about the male hormone stuff. Dr. SF gave a vigorous headshake and said there have been some studies done on this, and some of the many side effects mimic PCOS. In the good doctor's paraphrased words, "you're already in IVF for specific issues, why give yourself *other* issues on top of that?"

So, it looks like, one way or another, we're good to go. It will be cool to finally see my name on Cyclesista.

*I don't want to say too much about the study, because it's fairly small and anonymity blah blah blah.

Drop dead Fred

2007-03-29T20:59:00.000+02:00

So today is "Drop Dead Day" number 1. Today we find out if my FSH can leap tall buildings in a single bound, if my eggs are like dust in the wind.

Today we find out if we can start another cycle.

Shikitari!

2007-03-28T22:07:00.000+02:00

What do:
a) shtetl Jews in Eastern Europe
b) Japanese people
c) Broadway musical
all have in common?

I know what you're thinking: Japanese people going to see the Broadway musical Fiddler on the Roof .

Wrong.

The correct answer would be Japanese people IN the Broadway musical Fiddler on the Roof. Get past the first minute, and it's hilarious and very cool. And I thought Tevya was ticked off in English. Heh.

But will it put hair on my chest?

2007-03-20T18:33:00.000+02:00

Julie posted some interesting links up on her blog the other day. Unfortunately, it was in the context of coming to terms with no longer trying IVF for a second Batboy (or girl).

But the articles resound very strongly with me. You don't remember, because I never got that far in my ~~tales of woe~~ story, but with my last, first and so far, only, cycle, in spite of a plethora of healthy follicles waving "HI" to my shocked doc, the follie union called a strike just as I was cycling and don't you know, those buggers wouldn't cross the picket line.

So many follies, so little eggs.

I wound up with one ovary turning shy and going into hiding behind my uterus, and the other producing what looked like maaaaybe 4 eggs. There was a lot of:
"Cancel this cycle"
"Wait, don't cancel, your numbers are up!"
"Never mind, you should cancel"
"It's really up to you - what do you want to do?"
which maybe I'll go into more some other time. Anyway, those 4 turned into two actual eggs, only one of which fertilized. But it only takes one, right?

Yeah, but apparently not that one.

The docs all labeled me a "poor responder." Which ticked me off, because I've always been a good student. And I scored freakin' high on the CBC's Test the Nation IQ test.

Boy, am I digressing. My point in all this rambling, is maybe these male hormone treatments might be something I should bring up with my RE. And maybe it's something I should try. But do I go "normal" for the first cycle, and male hormonal for the second? Or should I just dive right in and convince my doc to let me get my fix right off the bat? Are there long-term effects? Can male hormones taken pre-natally affect the fetus? (Feh, look how positive I am, talking about a fetus. As if all this might actually, possibly work.) Are there side effects for me? Will I suddenly have an urge to drink beer, watch football, shove my hand down my pants, take the entire New York Times to the bathroom and announce to everyone in the room I'm going to "the library," leave my underwear on the floor right next to the laundry basket, and yell "Nice ass!" to every hot chick that walks by?

Maybe. But isn't that worth it for the end result?

Starting the "Fund Fertility Already" Fund Campaign

2007-03-16T20:43:00.000+02:00

Now, if we can just get our government leaders to read and comprehend.

From the Calgary Sun:

"What's going on here is a form or reproductive discrimination," adds Dr. Greene, of the province's refusal to fund IVF, which costs $5,150*, not including drugs.

He's launched a campaign urging Alberta to fund the $8-million a year program. Then he could restrict an infertile woman to replace just one embryo, something health economists say will save the province millions and pay for the program, since twins tend to be costly.

"We used to say, funding IVF is the right thing to do. What's different now is we're saying, it's also the smart thing to do."

Read the full article here.

If you're Canadian, and affected by infertility, now is the time to start bombarding your MPs with letters and phone calls. Let's get IVF funded by Healthcare, the way it should be!

*Note: I should go to Calgary for my next cycle; it's much cheaper than BC. And you Americans? Come on up for a visit and cycle here. Seriously. You can stay with me.

What's a little poke between friends?

2007-03-15T20:08:00.000+02:00

Well, I went for my Day 3 bloodwork yesterday. When my number was called, I went up to the nice lady behind the desk and said, "I'm here for my Day 3 blood draw."

She took my form, started typing like a madwoman, asked me stuff like phone number, and health number - all of which were printed on the form - and said, "is today Day 3?"

Uhhh. Was I supposed to come on Day 3 for my Day 3 blood draw? Well, how the frack was I supposed to know that. Of COURSE it's Day 3, you ninny, why else would I be here??

*sigh*

After waiting a not very long time, I get called in to the tech. Guess what he asked me?

G'wan, guess.

"Is today Day 3?"

argh.

Fine. I guess they're just confirming in case someone honestly doesn't realize what "Day 3" means. I'll stop being so critical.

Of course, as usual, my veins saw the latex tourniquet thingy and ran screaming for the hills. I have bad veins at the best of times, but this time was just a doozy. Dude tied me up in 4 different places (and not in that good way), thought he saw a little something, stabbed and lost. Tried again somewhere else, and stabbed and lost again. Finally, in the back of my hand, we struck oil. Actually, it was like oil, because slow, thick sludge oozed into the vial. Thankfully, he only needed two vials this time (as opposed to the 10 from last time), otherwise, I'd be posting this blog from the lab where we'd still be waiting for the vials to fill.

The best part was afterwards, when Hubby took me for ice cream. It's not on the diet, but it's prescribed for speedy blood draw recovery.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

2007-03-08T00:57:00.000+02:00

AAaaahhhhhahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa

aaahhhhha

he he

*snort*

heh

Counting the Homer

** My apologies to my non-Jewish readers. Read this. Might explain.

Googlicious

2007-03-02T21:43:00.000+02:00

I get some funny Google searches. I get some that make me sad, too, like anyone actually looking up infertility information. I'm sad when anyone is in that situation.

For your pre-Shabbat (or weekend for my non-Jewish friends in the nets) reading pleasure, forthwith I present my most recent Google searches, and my comments on each.

getting 3cc but injections
Could this be 3cc "butt" injections? I have no idea what this means.

male jewish pregnancy blood test
To the best of my knowledge, there is no blood test to check for male pregnancy, Jewish or otherwise.

infertility roller coaster male perspective
I wonder if this was a man searching, or a very thoughtful woman searching to get some insight on her infertile husband?

gallbladder Twitching
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm so sorry I'm not alone. (btw, it turns out it's related to my IBS)

is socializing difficult for an orthodox kosher jew?
It doesn't have to be. It depends on with whom you wish to socialize. If an orthodox kosher jew wants to socialize with people who insist on eating bacon out on a Friday night, that might be difficult. If an OKJ wants to meet some friends for a drink after work, no problem. Going to the movies is a problem for some groups, but not others. Of those who go to the movies, some will go to any movie, others will only go to "family" movies (no sex, bad language, etc.).

count for how many jewish males are in the world
Why would someone want to know this? Besides, everyone knows it really only matters how many Jewish FEmales there are in the world, since we're the ones with all the power ;)

why jews want male babies
Most Jews want healthy babies. While there are some Jews, as with any group, who would prefer a male child (you don't have to pay for the wedding!), most orthodox Jews want at least one male and one female baby, to satisfy the mitzvah of p'ru urvu, be fruitful and multiply. This mitzvah is typically seen to include both a male and female baby, because it takes a male and female to multiply. Not that you would want your male and female babies to multiply with each other. Ew.

darfur genesis
Thank you for being interested in this horrific situation. I hope you found my links helpful.

vasectomy and orthodoxy
Makes it sound like two religions, no? Welcome to the High Orthodox Church of Vasectomy. Orthodox Jews say it is a no-no. Doesn't mean some don't do it. Doesn't mean some didn't do it before they became orthodox.

orthodox judiasm and egg donation
I'd direct this person to Wessel's site, but she took it down. Jews are allowed to use donor eggs. There are, of course, guidelines for using donor eggs, so consult your LOR (locally ordained rabbi).

jewish infertility
Yep, Jews can be infertile, just like anyone.

johnny depp jewish ancestry
Oh no he doesn't. With that cute little nose?

jewish fish fertility
Jewish fish? Fish fertility? There are no Jewish fish (aside from gefilte. And lox, of course). And it's been my experience that fish are extremely fertile. How would you do IVF on a fish, anyway? And how would you circumcise the little buggers?!!

Shabbat shalom and have a great weekend!

eep explained

2007-02-27T22:15:00.000+02:00

Thanks for all the love!

Thalia asked what changed to allow us to do a cycle. Good question, considering I've spent the better part of the last year bitching about our lack of funds. Without going into too much personal detail, here's the rundown:

1) We both found work, and with our 2-year experience of surviving on no salaries, we're managing to pay off our debt and build our savings back up, slowly but surely.

2) An angel appeared from the internet and offered us some options.

3) Sadly, a relative of Hubby's died, but surprisingly, left us some money, which will cover the balance of a cycle.

I refused to do a cycle with no backup plan (meaning having enough $$ for another cycle). Doing only one cycle, and having to quit cold last time was too hard. Painful. Emotionally crushing. If I know I can go right into another cycle if this cycle doesn't work, then I think it will be easier (at least, this is the mind game I'm comfortable playing with myself).

I really didn't think we'd be able to save up enough on our own for two cycles, and we weren't comfortable with putting ourselves even further into debt by borrowing two cycles' worth. With all three things coming together at once, we can manage to do this without having to face paying off our infertility loans from our nursing home.

Of course, this is just paying for the damn cycle. I have to go for blood tests still (again), so assuming my FSH isn't shooting for the stars, and assuming I'm not already too old, and assuming my eggs aren't poofs of dust, and assuming, assuming, assuming...

(Of course, I could assume that all will go well, and my numbers will be good, and I'll respond to the protocol, and have lots of eggs, which will fertilize and grow into A+ embies, two of which will be transferred, one of which will stick, grow and pop out 9 months later. And we'll have frozen embies, to boot. I could assume all these things, but where's the fun in that?)

eep

2007-02-26T23:43:00.000+02:00

Bloody hell. I just called my clinic to make an appointment.

Can't. breathe. heart. pounding.

**updated to add: Appt. made for March 29. Need new bloodwork. Ho-lee, we're doing it again.

Scratchy, Stuffy, Coughy and Grumpy

2007-02-23T20:56:00.000+02:00

The Dwarves you never hear about.

*sigh* I'm sick. Again. After some 6 weeks with the flu over winter break, I am now, mere weeks later, sick again with a chest cold. I've been hacking up a lung all week. And just because coughing to the point of seeing spots and nearly passing out from the lack of oxygen isn't enough fun, I've also had, well, shall we say, "intestinal problems."

I had to go to the mikvah this week (that's a whole 'nother post in itself), and I had a little meltdown in the water. Normally, I take a private minute after immersing to say some special prayers, including one for me and Hubby to be able to a) do another cycle, and b) have it be successful. I started to do that this time, and when I got to praying for myself, I fell apart. I kept thinking, "I can't even take care of myself, how the hell am I supposed to take care of a child? Maybe this is why we haven't been able to come up with the money. Maybe we're [wait for it...] not meant to have children."

I was so grateful the attendant had left the room.

Look, women throughout the ages have taken care of their children when they've been sick. I know I'd be able to do it, too. But it's been so hard to get through this week; I had to call in sick two days, I've been in the bathroom more than I've been out of it, I haven't slept a single night all week for all the coughing, I haven't eaten much of anything all week (bonus! I've lost 5 pounds!) and I am desperate for some wonder drug that will knock me out and let me sleep for about two days.

I know, I'm whining. I'll feel better soon, and this will all be a distant memory. Until the next time I'm in a knock-down, drag out with my resident germs.

Meanwhile, I wonder how much weight I'll lose on the Hacker Diet ^(TM) before I get well?

Whoops, here comes another one

2007-02-17T02:23:00.000+02:00

A warm, infertility blogger welcome to Kirby. Kirby is another Ortho Jewish blogger, dealing with Male Infertility Factor. I always hate when someone else has to join the club, but as I told Kirby, I'm always so glad there's a club to join. Having someone with whom to share your struggles doesn't necessarily make the struggle easier, but it definitely makes it more tolerable.

Check out her story, and go give her love:
whattoexpect.blogspot.com